The rest of Olivia’s day had only gotten worse from there. She hadn’t been able to stop remembering all the things that she was usually diligently successful at blocking out. She was always just a bit clumsy on the best of days, but today in her distraction she’d managed to drop not one, but two different plates when preparing a midday meal for her employer, and then failed to focus adequately on the mending to complete it on the first go. By early afternoon, she had gotten a mild beating and had been relieved of her position, and spent the next several hours ruminating with nothing to distract her. 

By the time the convention usually let out for the day, her feet had carried her to the temple of Iomedae. It looked like she was going to… talk?... to the select priest. She didn’t know what she wanted from this, besides for her thoughts to stop coming in disorganized bursts, too many all at once and none of them completing. She tried to plan through different things she might say, and responses she might get, but she couldn’t quite hold a train of thought for a full round. She showed up at the temple, hoping to find a spot that she could lurk unobtrusively and see whether anyone else was approaching.

Diego had spoken to one of his friends in town, who’d confirmed the pamphlet. It was indeed the case that Chosen Artigas had been a priest of Asmodeus and a fort commander at the worldwound. His friend hadn’t been at Chosen Artigas’ fort for very long, but assured him that Artigas had definitely been a proper Asmodean at the time. And that surely wasn’t a thing that changed very quickly.

It was an impressive move, to convince the new regime that though one had been a priest, that was now reformed, and to take up residence in the temple of the new god. He wasn’t sure exactly the game that Artigas was playing at, but Diego was clever enough to not take things at face value. He’d known a fair number of priests in his day, both at the Worldwound and before it. He had been good at currying favor with them, better at it than most in Cheliax, and missed it. 

But he would have a chance to do so once again. If he could talk to the priest alone, he would let him know that he could see the game Artigas was playing, and offer his services. He had said he was looking for a bodyguard, after all. He’d missed the call for some of his more specialized services since the war, and he’d missed the chance to do things that would increase his status in the eyes of Hell, since he had no plans or hope of evading it. 

He strolled confidently into the temple, and looked around to see whether the priest had many takers yet. 

The priest is there, clearly labeled, looking at his copy of the Acts. Looks like he has a bodyguard, unless there is some other reason for a big dude with a sword to be lurking next to him with folded arms and a glare.

Diego approaches. 

“Chosen Artigas, I’m pleased to see you doing so well for yourself after the war. My friend served under you and told me of your work at the wound.”

"- it's Select, for Iomedaeans," he says. "Who's your friend?"

That was probably too forward, he needs to demonstrate the ability to be subtle. 

"- my apologies, Select. Adelard Gasol, I believe he was at your fort for several months, I think two to three years ago. Just an ordinary soldier of no particular note save perhaps a touch more courage than most, I'm not sure if you would remember him." 

"I'm afraid I don't, thousands of men passed through #11."

"Of course, very understandable and entirely expected. I merely mention him to show that I know of you and your work and to mention my admiration of it. I did some time at the Wound also, though not at your fort at any point. I've found myself at lost ends since finishing my term of service two months ago, with how the whole nation is changed in every which way."  

"It is that, yes. Though the forts continue to operate and if the border will be less urgent in ten years it is not much less urgent now."

“I know the Wound still has need of men, but I’d served for some years and thought it might be time to be warm instead of cold and not in quite so much mortal peril and to see what all the rumours were on about how things had changed back home… This mornings pamphlet implied you might be hiring for a bodyguard? Though it looks like you have at least one.” 

He nods at the big dude with a sword. 

"The president of the convention was generous enough to offer the delegates a chance to avail ourselves of bodyguards today, yes." He technically has the budget to hire another but he's not sure of this guy right now.

"Well, I'd be willing to offer my sword if you have need of another. Regrefully, the priest that would have most recommended my work didn't survive the loss of his spells. I'd be interested in hearing how you managed that yourself, if you'd be willing to share that story?" 

This guy absolutely does not have the Asmodean energy Diego was expecting to find here and he's now a bit more confused than he had started out, but a job is a job if he wrangle it, and he's been drinking through his savings at an unsustainable pace. 

"I owe my continued control of the fort substantially to my second in command, First Arcane Grec, who proved loyal to me personally and did much of the work of breaking the news in a favorable order and corralling restive elements. One of the junior priests committed suicide and another I had to execute for desertion but the rest were still there folded into patrol squads as martial combatants at the time I left. I was - focused very intently on discipline as a tool to keep the demons contained, and possibly this was - instructive - to anyone who might have otherwise seen an opportunity... I stopped permitting the wizards to prepare Detect Thoughts shortly after I lost my spells as I needed their slots for other things that the clerics would previously have covered, so I do not have a detailed internal picture of the common soldier's mind on the matter."

No response to the offer of a sword, so he guesses that’s a no then? Kinda confusing that he talked about how he had been as Asmodean and needed a guard and then when he gets here he doesn’t want to be referred to as such and also doesn’t need a guard anymore, but so it goes. It’s a confusing world.

“That speaks well of the strength of the discipline and hierarchy you maintained at your fort. If only more forts had that. 

I did not personally see eye to eye with many of the other men at the fort as to how to react to our priests loss of spells, but I was out on patrol when the news got out and when I got back I was too late and in need of defending my own position.”

"- I wasn't aware there were forts where the upheaval required the martial enlisted to defend themselves as well."

"It didn't quite come to deadly blows, but it did look dicey for a bit. Might not have made it into any reports that went out though." 

"- Was the bloodshed really so limited everywhere, just the priests that were torn apart? It did seem quite fraught for a time, especially around the issue of whether there would be executions for the mutiny, and of whom. How did most forts wind up handling it? From my view it seemed like we got lucky that the fighting didn't escalate, demons at the walls be damned." 

"I did lead a squad at the time, and was known to be personally loyal to the priests myself, which probably complicated my position. But most of what I did then was barricade myself and my squad in one portion of the fort while negotiations and forward looking expectations were discussed, and things cooled down without ever boiling over further. Maybe the external threat did help with that." 

"So, reports from forts more than one farther along the line were always spotty, and the supply issues starting at the Four Day War and continuing from there didn't help, so I don't have a complete picture. What I heard about definitively was mostly priests killed and increased unattributed losses that could have been demons or the cold."

"Well, like I said, I came by to offer my sword - I always got on better with the priests than most folk in my fort, and was heartened to hear that you survived and are doing well for yourself. It's... reaffirming to know that the key was sufficient discipline after all. I've been lately lacking in it, myself, without the proper guidance that I used to have. 

But if you have no need of my services I can depart. Do you have any potential need of me or any parting words of wisdom?" 

"I think you should be clear that Asmodeanism is and was always wrong, and while I cannot fault you for - cooperating with the system that you were emplaced in to accomplish the worthy goal of holding back the demons - it will not behoove you to hold on to Asmodean habits going forward."

Maybe the existing bodyguard is spying on the priest for the archmages, Diego muses. That would explain why he's sticking to the script even when Diego's been trying to give him opportunities to veer off the party line. This insight helps him make more sense of how the conversation has been going thus far. And anything that he did to try to get the other man out of the room to would make him more suspicious. Probably not worth trying. 

This seems like more complicated maneuvering that he had expected and that isn't particularly his strong point. And if the priest is being carefully watched, that probably means he wouldn't get to do anything particularly fun for the priest, unless he was very discreet about it, and he can discreetly have some fun on his own time even without orders. He still needs to wrangle getting paid before his money runs out, but he can always get pay and pleasure from different places if it comes to that. 

He still hasn't heard a firm no yet on getting hired, but he isn't particularly optimistic. 

He nods. "Understood. Are there any habits that you think I should particularly strive to leave behind?

- I won't repeat the mistake with the titles again, Select." 

"I don't know much about your habits or by virtue of which such you tended to get along well with priests. - if you are concerned about your reputation but need more specific advice based on more specific information, I can take a meeting privately, though I will not consider myself competent to offer ironclad confidentiality until I have finished my catechism course."

Ah! It looks like his thoughts about the bodyguard had been on the right track after all and he had just been given an opening. Diego feels smug. Maybe he is cut out for this kind of maneuvering after all. 

But what does the line about finishing the catechism course mean? That it would be better if he came back later? Maybe it would be less suspicious somehow. 

"I am concerned about my reputation, and would be glad to discuss further privately. Do you mean to say that I should return for a conversation sometime in the future once you've finished your catechism course? Or would you be interested in having that discussion now?" 

"If what you want is to not speak in front of every other person in this temple including my bodyguard, you and I can go sit in that room and talk. If what you want is an oath on my Law not to repeat anything you say no matter what it is then that will need to wait, but I can without an oath on my Law exercise ordinary judgment and discretion."

Diego puzzles that over. Maybe the concern is that even in the private room, the priest will not be able to ensure against some forms of eavesdropping, so while he can be more forward in private he shouldn't be too forward? He also hadn't been too cognizant of the other people in the temple - no one else seemed to be standing close enough to hear their conversation though some people were looking over at them, and of course some people can read lips or otherwise overhear. He reviews the conversation in his head. Nothing too incriminating, he hopes.

"A private conversation now would suit me. Let us sit and talk."

Blai nods to the bodyguard, who takes up a position outside the chosen room and does not follow them in.

Diego follows him in, closes the door behind them. 

"You wanted to know why I got along well with priests. Well, I'd like to think that I was better at making myself an instrument of their will than most. Was - better disciplined, myself, when they were in charge. Didn't drink on duty, wasn't late, followed orders well. Was reliable. Took initiative. 

Helped ensure that others followed orders also. Sometimes I'd turn up infractions that the Detect Thoughts wizard hadn't caught. Once I caught a Detect Thoughts wizard falsifying records, that was well rewarded.

I was one of the lay people most chosen for administering punishments, was better than most at remembering to not get carried away and didn't forget about infection risk and keeping people useful if they were supposed to be kept useful. Had a knack for drawing things out in entertaining ways if they weren't needed anymore. The Chosen thought I was creative at it and came at it with the right spirit." 

He'd have to cut back on his drinking, if he got the job. Which he was fine with, really. He was waking up too often with a bad hangover and less coin in his pocket than he'd hoped. He was better at being his best self when he knew there would be consequences for it. More immediate consequences. His doubts about Asmodeus after the deaths of most of his priests had been bad for his self-discipline. 

"Many of those qualities are good in other contexts as well provided you can be motivated by things other than fear. Definitely not the one about drawing things out."

“What ought one be motivated by?” 

"A lot of people are just motivated by money, which is fine as far as it goes, works well for mercenaries. Law itself but I'm not sure if the temperament can be easily taught. The cause, when there is one."

“ - the cause, sir?” 

"Holding the Wound, at the Wound. The good of Cheliax, at the convention. Writ smaller - if you were to guard a specific trading caravan or protect a particular village from monsters, that would be a fine cause."

“And what would you recommend if it turns out that that some only find fear motivating?”

"They could then stand to fear Judgment instead of a fellow mortal."

Diego contemplated whether he was afraid of Judgement. He hadn't spent much time thinking on Hell, and when he had, he'd vaguely understood that he would have his spot on the hierarchy, and he'd had some hopes that this would be a spot with a favorable balance of torturing to being tortured given that in his experience he usually had such a favorable balance. Was it unwise to say as much? 

It could be that this was a test of his loyalty to Asmodeus, it could be that this priest had truly repented and now feared Hell himself, it could be that they were being watched. Asking probably wasn't a capital crime, and it seemed like there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm in administering other kinds of punishments. 

"What is there to fear in Judgement?" 

"So, there were many means employed by the Church to cause its adherents to - tolerate the prospect of Hell - and I don't know which ones you've settled on, but in fact Hell is bad and no one should go there both because they will suffer and because they will be transformed into the instruments of others' suffering."

Being an instrument of suffering seemed as much of a benefit as a downside. Some amount of suffering seemed tolerable. Caring about such things was contemptible, and Diego wasn't contemptible. 

It seemed like either Artigas had truly recanted, or he was playing at a game that was too complicated for Diego to understand and play himself. 

Recanting seemed contemptible, but... so was losing. And this man hadn't lost, while his own fort's priests had. How could this relatively soft-spoken man have kept his men so afraid of him that they were too afraid to overthrow him even after he had no spells left? 

He tries to come up with what to say next for awkwardly long time, eventually settling on something he was actually thinking. 

"Distant suffering is much less motivating than nearby suffering." 

"That's true. But - there are ways to live your life now that are not full of nearby suffering, even if there weren't when the forces of Hell controlled Cheliax. So you might have a care for the distant suffering as well, or the nearby suffering of others that you might alleviate."

He's not sure, actually, why he can't stop drinking. The suffering that it causes him isn't very distant, and yet it's much harder to be motivated to avoid it than the clear crisp motivation of avoiding a beating. To ask about that seems... contemptible, and he might have already been contemptible enough this conversation. 

He's also not sure why he would be motivated by alleviating the nearby suffering of others, but he maybe is at his limit of unwise questions for the day.

"Thank you for your time, Select. I'll keep your words of wisdom in mind."

"- I am a man motivated well enough by money, if you know of any work that you think I would be well suited for."  

"I do not know how long my current bodyguard will remain available to me nor whether he comes with a relief shift when he requires one, but - people who work for me directly, as opposed to being on the archmage's payroll, must be exquisitely clear that I work for Iomedae. In the same way that, if your commanding officer at the Wound were in bed with a succubus, your responsibility would be to report that over his head, you must be equally confident that if I am operating outside Iomedae's graces I am not to be obeyed in this error. You must also be confident that no violation of Her commands while I'm not watching serves me, and you must have some general notion of what those commands are. I can have absolutely no confusion on this matter, absolutely no winking and looking the other way, absolutely no careless guesswork when a simple question would suffice. And this is an awkward thing to require of a man who came off well in the previous regime."

That convinces him well enough. But the steel in the Select's voice as he says that is in some ways exactly what Diego has been looking for. 

It seems like this job offer might still be on the table - he'd written it off a few questions ago, and was mostly hoping for an off chance of a recommendation somewhere else. But he's unsure if he actually still wants the job, now that he's under fewer misapprehensions about it. 

He does, in fact, generally do a good job in the roles that he's had, at least in whatever cases he can manage to respect his commanding officer enough to be bothered. It seems like he might just be able to respect this man enough. 

But it is a very different job than the one he thought he was trying to apply for, when he got here. And it does seem to be pretty incompatible with how he's been spending his time lately. And it's not just a matter of being fired for drunkenness, if it turns out that the doesn't respect the man enough after all - if nothing else, he has been doing the occasional capital crime with his time lately, and he'd rather do those further from the eyes of people who care that he, specifically, doesn't do those. 

He nods. "Understood. And that is crystal clear, Select." Ignoring the part where it wasn't a few minutes ago. 

"- I am skilled at doing what is required of me, but I usually have had some more of a notion of what that is." 

"Have you met paladins before, who came through your postings or while you were on patrol through theirs?"

"Only very briefly."

"Your impressions of them, from those brief meetings?"

Boring, he doesn't say. 

"Resolute. Difficult to intimidate. Contemptuous." 

Blai nods. "I had somewhat more exposure than you, but until I had received correspondence from Lastwall's forces that was the kind of thing I had to go on. If you are trying, sincerely, to be an Iomedaean, you can pick up a lot from orbiting them even when they aren't trying to teach you. Select Iustin delivers a sermon here most mornings - it's possible some of the paladins will start rotating in, now that they're pulled off justiciary work toward convention business and have differently allocated downtime. You can attend those. Do you read fluently?"

"Yes, Select."

"At what wage would you find it worthwhile to attend me as a bodyguard on the expectation that you spend low-risk downtime studying the Acts and its commentaries such that if you are confused you can bring questions to me in the evenings when I am also in study?"

Diego names his best guess at the current going rate for bodyguards. He doesn't remember to factor in that Select Artigas had been murdered the other week into the rate, since he's overall pretty distracted. 

He's pretty surprised, the whole conversation he'd felt like he was failing a test? And he hadn't really finished thinking through this being a different job than he'd thought he was signing up for, he's a bit nervous about coming to the attention of paladins. Maybe this will go terribly. 

Ah well, there's nothing in particular keeping him in Westcrown. If the Iomedaeism turns out to be intolerable, he can always hand in his resignation, skip town and find somewhere else to be. 

"I will need to speak to my current bodyguard about what arrangements would work best." And see if there's going to be lots of this guy, he can't hire them all if there's ten. "If you come back tomorrow at the same time I should have an offer, or not."

"Understood, Select." 

He stands to exit. 

"Your name?" Blai asks, following him out the door.

"Diego Salvador, Select. Patrol sergeant of Fort #3, most recently." 

"Tomorrow, then, Salvador, though of course you're welcome to stay in the temple in case someone pulls together an evening service. Dismissed."

Diego walks out, nursing the beginnings of a headache. He needs a drink. And to decide if he's coming back tomorrow. 

Olivia's been lurking unobtrusively. The temple is full enough that she thinks she hasn't caught anyone's particular attention yet. She wasn't willing to come close enough to try to overhear when they were still talking in the main room, but she tried to glean what she could from the facial expressions and body language of the conversation participants. 

She spent the duration of the private conversation trying to clear her mind and collect her thoughts and failing. 

As the other man leaves, she looks around to see whether anyone else is approaching yet. She'll only go forward if no one materializes for a few minutes, or if the priest looks like he's going to leave. 

Here's another would-be bodyguard.

This one comes with six additional men with swords following. A couple of them also have armor.

"Select Artigas?"

"- yes, and you are?"

"Sergeant Gonzalo, we're with the Volunteers. Saw your pamphlet."

"The... Volunteers? Volunteering to do what?"

"Right now, volunteering to guard you, Select. It's a shame on all Westcrown, them stringing you up like that, and we won't see it happen again."

"If you are volunteers, what is your means of support?"

"I think our lieutenant is funding us personally? Most of us are staying at his house, at least. Used to take donations, but now we tell people to just donate to the church, if they try."

"Do you have... some formal relationship with the Glorious Reclamation, or work for a lord, or...?"

"No. The church hasn't gotten back to us about putting a cleric or paladin in command. Lieutenant says that, as soon as they do, we immediately take orders from that person instead of him. Unless they're illegal orders. Until then, we listen to him and to heaven."

"Who... is your lieutenant."

"Lieutenant Taberner, Heaven's Army of Westcrown Volunteers. Not a Select or a Paladin."

"I know you already know, they'd tell you if there was another Select. But we're to always tell people that he's not empowered by Iomedae, when mentioning him."

"Which is entirely correct of him to have as a policy. Where is he from? How long have the Volunteers been a going concern?"

"He's a Westcrown man. Went off to be one of those adventurer types, but he's no foreigner. I don't know how long we've been around, depends on how you count. There's been volunteers trying to keep order in the streets since right after the war, but the lieutenant making it a proper holy order with vows and all is only a months or so."

"Does he have any contact with any arm of the Church about this?"

"No contact yet. Our understanding is that the church will get to one of his letters in time, but they are very busy with a thousand more urgent crises. Until then, we should try to catch sermons but not bother the church further."

"I... think I disagree with this assessment" you are OPERATING A PARAMILITARY FORCE "and am going to see if I can get you a paladin to join you at your headquarters and consult on what's occurred so far unless there is a reason I should not do this."

Please do, it would very much be appreciated. 

"There's no reason not to, that I can see. We can write down the address and directions to there."

Tragically de Luna has not been reassigned to Westcrown yet because they need a third circle paladin at the Wound. Blai wades into the crowded temple and comes back with a paladin.

"Sergeant? I'm Ser Goés with the Reclamation."

He was not expecting them to have a paladin ready right now, what with them being busy patrolling the city and the countryside and fighting several wars.

"Sergeant Gonzalo, Heaven's Army of Westcrown Volunteers. Good to meet you, Ser."

The other six men are silent but visibly excited. They're listening to the conversation, and it sounds like they're finally getting a real paladin!

"Might I ask you gentlemen to bring me to meet your lieutenant? The Reclamation's been doing peacekeeping in this very city as of recently and I should be able to put you in touch with the command once I know more about what to tell them."

Gonzalo nods. "Our orders are to meet with the Select and join his guards. But we can spare two to take you to our headquarters; doubt anything will happen that needs all six of us, right here and in daylight."

"I have a bodyguard assigned by the President of the Convention for the time being and would like to be thoroughly clear on how your outfit relates to the Church's official arms before accepting your services."

"Understood. He looks the other bodyguard over. "I expect Ser Goés visiting will clear things up, but to make sure I don't make a mistake reporting it."

"You have a bodyguard assigned by the president of the convention, and need to be clear on how our organization relates to the church before accepting us as guards. That sound right?"

"Yes. Relating to the church at all is not a prerequisite but relating to it in some unclear way I'd prefer to avoid."

Somewhat embarrassed. "Apologies, we should try to make things clear. We are not part of the church of Iomedae, or any good church. In no way do we speak for or represent them or the goddess Iomedae, our understanding of her will is based only on listening to sermons and reading the Acts. None of our members are empowered, and we would prefer people stop referring to us as the discount paladins. While we would like to be put in the chain of command of the church, currently we are an independent holy order fighting in the name of heaven and the city of Westcrown. In that order."

"That is the current state of our relation to the church, or lack thereof. Though it will probably change, if Ser Goés can put the lieutenant in touch with the Reclamation."

"Right, so, I think you should do that first and revisit the possibility of being assigned to me personally later, particularly as I do have a convention-issued bodyguard."

"Understood. We expected you'd more than one, to take shifts sleeping, and enough to keep a mob at bay so you can get to safety. But if the church has a more urgent use of men in Westcrown that we haven't seen, I'm sure we'll be assigned to that instead."

"Exactly. Thank you very much for stopping by."

“Goddess be with you.”

"And with you as well."

Away they go, with a real paladin in tow.

It's a new and exciting way for Chelish people to be and hasn't turned out to be awful yet!

The wise course of action, of course, when one is the recently-ex-high-priest of a hellgod and is surrounded by paladins, is absolutely nothing whatsoever. Yeah, sure, "blanket amnesty", he's sure the Queen meant it very sincerely and yet would immediately make an exception. Apparently very few things are currently technically crimes (hilarious) but he's also pretty sure that as far as the paladins are concerned he has probably done, like, every crime. 

There's three reasons that Lleó the unremarkable dockworker is walking to the temple of Iomedae today anyway, though.

The first is that he is really bored. 

The second is that Select Artigas's interview pamphlet has caused him to experience the novelty of feelings that are neither boredom nor any of the dozen flavors of bloodthirst (each distinct and wonderful in their own way, of course, but on reflection probably not actually that large a fraction of the range of humanoid emotions).  

The third, and perhaps most decisive, is that the way you end up the high priest of a hellgod who hardly ever picks clerics is not only by having a suitable personality. You also have to manage not to get tapped for Asmodean seminary first, and he couldn't cast fourth circle spells without his headband on until he was forty-five. 

Thus: unWise decisions it is. 

He steps into an alleyway, and -- 

- stops being a color that occurs in humans. 

This might cause people who served at the Worldwound to recognize his face; the half-orc general Rakek, once called Iron Hand of Moloch, was generally in the business of attempting to violently conquer things and suppress rebellions and so forth, and did not often go to the Worldwound, but if Aspexia Rugatonn orders you to take that teleport leaving in two moments and go rescue a fortress, obviously you hop to. It might not, though. He also used to usually wear a helmet. 

Here's hoping they do not literally immediately stab him. He's a lot less resilient against that than he was a year ago. 

Nobody immediately stabs him, though being alone in an alley might be helping, there.

Right. Well. Let's see about the church, then. 

He's not armed or armored or anything. Just a guy! Who is green. 

It is normal for guys to sometimes be green. He gets second looks but no stabby advances.

aww, if they'd stabbed him it would probably have been legal to do murder no. bad orc brain, no cookie. 

"'Scuse me," he says to the nearest guy who seems like they probably work here and isn't already doing six things, "how do I make an appointment to talk to Select Artigas for... uh ... pamphlet-induced spiritual counseling?" 

The harried deacon, who is only doing four things, points in Blai's direction.

He could... help these people. By doing tasks. And then their lives would be improved. Even without any murder particularly. 

... 

He has never contemplated this concept in his life. He suddenly very badly wants it. 

He will go over there! "Hi. Uh. I promise I am not here to try kill you. ... Is the first thing I wanted to say in case you do recognize me, but if you don't I will introduce myself unless you think I really shouldn't." 

"I'm afraid thousands of men passed through my fort and I would not recognize most of them. I'm... not aware of a reason you shouldn't introduce yourself."

"Well, it might induce you or your bodyguard to think I'm here to murder you even though I just said I'm not, you see. Because of. Historical reasons." 

...

"Well, will it also cause me to think that you are probably Lawful and can be relied on not to make false promises of nonmurder?"

Oh. Guy who was qualified to be the cleric of two entirely different gods is very wise. On reflection this makes perfect sense.

"I don't actually know if I'm Lawful, coulda been Neutral Evil all my life and never been able to tell the difference, but - probably? - right, so, Rakek. You'd've seen me in the, you know, massive black armor with the Iron Script all carved on it and the scorpion whip and all that." It made him look a lot bigger; he's actually slightly less tall than the average human. 

"I appreciate that you are not planning to murder me. Were you - also dropped?"

"Yeah. Changes some stuff about a man's worldview real fast, that." 

"It does that, yes. But differently for different people, among those I've encountered. I had a suicide, a deserter, some who integrated acceptably with martial units... and myself, of course."

"A suicide? Do they have a deathw- that was a stupid sentence. I suppose I am a deserter too, arguably, but technically my charter said to obey the nearest priest of Asmodeus and he'd already lost his spells when he surrendered. Didn't take any of my gear, even." All his gear was army property, after all, and also it's easier to pass as just some guy if you aren't carrying anything magic. 

"I think you were more of a strike team... or not so much a team... than a soldier, so I would not be inclined to call you a deserter. What did you go on to do that you now find yourself in Westcrown?"

getting a good grade in mephistophelean technicallys, something that is now frowned upon to want, 

"Yeah, that tracks. Basically nothing, I've been hanging around the docks moving heavy objects for coppers. Not much else I'm qualified to do that isn't, uh, either illegal or probably anathema to Iomedae or both." 

"...do I remember incorrectly that you were also a sorcerer?"

"Yep. Little shapeshifting, a shield, some battlefield crowd control, not so lucky I got anything wizards make money at." Dry half-smile. "I could, I suppose, try to sell to the dock merchants the ability to lengthen my arms and lift heavy objects from five feet further away." 

"- I suppose that would be awkward to sell, yes. I'm - glad you found something that isn't anathema to Iomedae - does that concern you in general when you aren't talking to Her people?"

"... ye...s?" 

Oh, this is a test question. He is supposed to explain that answer. How does he put this without sounding like an absolutely pathetic child. 

"I do not as a rule care to pretend to follow rules. Either they are the correct ones to be following or they are not, and - " 

and I thought my god loved me

" - well, Iomedae apparently only drops her priests if they actually do their jobs wrong instead of just if they stop being useful, judging by the girl with the speech, which... you of all people I am hoping might understand why I find that very appealing all of a sudden, yes?" 

"Yes. I understand. You -

Iomedae is having a busy and expensive year. I don't know if She can be for anyone else what She is for me."

Ah yes there's the blazing envy again. Ugh. Pathetic. Has he seriously not learned the lesson about getting strength from elsewhere, come on. 

Deep internal breaths. Sound like an adult who is normal about this. 

"Understandable. I was... not really using the circles for anything Iomedae probably wants." She is supposedly the general of the armies of Heaven but for some reason this does not translate to any glorious bloody conquest of anything in real life. Theoretically cleric magic can do other things, he's heard, but probably not other thing's he's good at. "But She is still the one who deserves to set the rules right now, whether she gives me power about it or no. And if I ask a paladin what I should do with myself, I rather expect them to say I should politely turn myself in for execution for approximately every crime, but I thought you might have... more useful... advice." 

"- there was a general amnesty, and the paladins who are operating here are keeping that in mind as featuring in their mandate. I'm not sure they'd have anything to say that would - resonate - but unless you have been doing substantial crimes since then I don't think they would ask you to turn yourself in."

Fascinated blinking. "I haven't, no, but - huh, you really don't think they'd make an exception?" He would absolutely not believe anyone else who said this except maybe the literal Queen. "Kind of figured it'd be, you know, oh well obviously we just meant amnesty for normal crimes, like stabbing your neighbor over a goat, not--" it would probably be breathtakingly stupid to say an actual sentence like forty years of annually lighting a dozen kids on fire for blessings to be better at killing paladins fast enough for a Malediction to take in an open battlefield out loud in a temple-- "me." 

"If you would like I can ask one for confidentiality and inquire? Not while you're still here. I have certainly not been dissuaded from believing that it applies to me."

Confidentiality. Which Blai clearly sincerely expects them to stick to, in like, a normal non-Mephistophelean way that normal people who don't have archmage cunning could possibly not be immediately wildly inconvenienced by! What a concept! He loves it. 

Wait. Help. How do you reward people for doing you large favors when they are clerics of Iomedae. He has spent the last year carefully replacing the instinct to gift people the charred ashes of their enemies with buying them beer at dockside taverns and both of these strategies seem deeply inapplicable in this case. 

"...yes," he settles on after several seconds of looking wrongfooted and bewildered, and then, uncertainly, after rifling around in his brain for anything even slightly applicable and not obviously horrifying, "...... hadregashya?" 

That was not even slightly Taldane. Why. 

"Hadre...what?"

"I am not a linguist but literally 'Hadregash bless you', I think? Goblin god of tribal unity. ... Complimentary." 

It means thank you, idiomatically, but he'd generally only ever heard that used in deeply hurtful ways and so it got tossed in the linguistic garbage can along with many other Chelish phrases one is clearly not supposed to use anymore. 

"Oh. Thank you." Blai didn't get the memo. "If you want to try to be a cleric again it doesn't have to be Iomedae. Her church encourages relying on other gods where their interests overlap. I didn't even know it was Her right away, I tried a key first."

Snort. "I would be an astoundingly poor cleric of Abadar in particular but your point is in general taken. I'm not even sure I do want to be a cleric again, but- hm. Is there some way to get a list of gods Iomedae's interests overlap with?" 

"I would also be a terrible Abadaran but I think that two of the three circles must have been - free - so it might have been the kind of thing that moved Him, hypothetically. She has common cause with all of the Good gods, Her church banks with Abadar, and I would expect Iomedaeans in general to work with any Neutral god's cleric in the same way they'd work with an irreligious wizard, whenever the spells were aimed at the Good and not deployed in a way that violated Her commitments."

"Ah, I see. ... the problem is that the obvious choice is Gorum and I find the concept of war without purpose deeply distasteful." 

"What purpose would you like to have?"

is this what spiritual counseling is like when you're not allowed to hit each other. terrifying. 

"I found it very satisfying to - require people to defend their foolish opinions with force, and either change them or die. As I understand it this is not in principle opposed to Iomedae's purpose as it is what She would like to do to Hell and I would not mind going and joining Her army in Heaven but I am not sure how to apply it during a mortal life since this is apparently not what She is doing on Golarion." She didn't even actually conquer Cheliax! Her army just sort of showed up and politely stood around stopping fights after some unrelated archmages flattened it! This is unhinged conquest behavior!! 

"I don't think it's foolishness in particular that She objects to in Hell."

"No? ... Do you mean that you expect she doesn't think devils are wrong about everything or just that she has more concerns on top of that?" 

"She thinks they are wrong morally, not that they are necessarily incompetent."

Okay but that's the same thing though. 

"...I am not sure I understand the distinction you are drawing if it is not the self-evident fact that Hell is Evil and She is Good." 

"Hell is Evil and She is Good but those aren't - contentless opposites - there is detail and the detail mostly does not take the form of Hell being more likely mistaken on questions of fact or less able to take actions towards its strategic aims."

"I would say losing an entire country is being less able to achieve their strategic aims but I suppose you would know better than I. The detail in question is located in the Acts?" 

He has enough of the Disciplines memorized that he could probably compare across. This is admittedly mostly because it was so funny to quote their own scriptures at the Asmodeans every time they did something stupid the book specifically said not to, so it might not be an entirely representative sample, but probably still enough to be useful. 

"It comes up there but the Acts are not - maximally theologically dense, containing as they do accounts of various battles also. There are commentaries and I have some. One asymmetry between Good and Evil is that Evil is united by force if at all and Good can recruit volunteers to its side which in this case included a party of archmages. I don't know which strategy is broadly more effective and effectiveness is not the constraint driving either side's choice there but it worked out well for Good in this case."

Law has allies, good has friends. 

It's a common saying. When Chelish people say it they say it derisively. Friends, how pathetic, can you imagine thinking that's better. 

Rakek repeats sort of fascinatedly, quietly, "...effectiveness... is not... either..." 

Please hold while gitgud.exe reboots. 

"...so one of the great things about war, right, is the- all going the same direction, willing to die for your purpose rather than surrender it- but in all my experience the purpose is made. As you say, by force. You have to build it in people, the work of Moloch is never done because there will always be another rebellion." This is Asmodean heresy, of course, the party line is that the human spirit can totally be permanently crushed if you try hard enough, but dealing with the fact that it really cannot has been the work of much of Rakek's adult life. Conveniently, which facts Asmodeus does not want you to say is no longer something he is required to track. "But if people on the side of Good just... want the same things, already... you could win the war and still have them, it's just a way to get there. Purpose with war, instead of war with purpose. Is that what you mean?" 

"Yes, that's a good way to look at it, I think. - what I meant by 'effectiveness is not the constraint driving either side's choice' is that Evil couldn't have volunteers in numbers even if it wanted them, and in fact probably couldn't have them even if Evil were more inherently attractive than it is to unpropagandized people because Evil, in being Evil, runs on victims, and even if many wanted to volunteer to victimize far fewer will volunteer to suffer at their hands, so Evil must exert force over whatever swathe of subjects it controls and would still have to do that even if conditions changed in its favor. Meanwhile Good could not react to the information that force was more effective, if that were true, because slavery and coercion are not Good, so they would lose their essential nature in trying to deploy those tools. For all I know Gorum or Irori or someone chooses a mixed strategy to maximize what they can bring to bear on the battlefield but they can mix those strategies precisely because they are neither Good nor Evil."

"I see, I think. ... I am not sure yet what my new purpose should be but I will try to find a Good one, I do not much like the idea of a mixed strategy. When should I check back in with you about whether I am allowed to pick something that involves ever talking to paladins?" 

"If you come back at this time tomorrow I should have had a chance to ask one, they're very busy people but those of them who are delegates all sit more or less in the same area in the convention as me and there's quieter moments where ballots are collected."

Nod. No, on second thought, respectful half-bow. "Until this time tomorrow, then, Chosen Artigas. I will consider your wise counsel." 

This is a stock phrase but for the first time in his life he actually means it. 

"It's Select."

"--Select Artigas. Yes. Sorry." He will now flee before he can say anything else stupid. 

When it looks like no more people are approaching, Olivia walks over herself, heart pounding.

She was… growing more angry, as additional visitors came by. No one here was angry at him! Why wasn’t anyone angry with him! It hadn’t been this overwhelmingly dominant earlier, but seeing the body language of people who had come by made it feel saliently underrepresented. 

“Artigas? The one who used to be a priest of Asmodeus?” she asks, gesturing with the pamphlet she’s been holding onto since this morning.

"Yes."

She stands there awkwardly for a full minute, having expected that her brain would supply her with words once she was actually here. As the silence drags on, she eventually gives up on trying to think of something to say and just spits in his face.

His bodyguard starts forward; Blai holds up a hand - "she's not venomous" - and finds his handkerchief. "Understandable. Is that all?"

“- I - my brother - they took him away - to seminary - do you think he might be - okay?” 

"How long ago?"

“Five years.” 

"In that time if you haven't heard from him he was almost certainly chosen about four and a half years ago, though it's also possible he took his own life in seminary, they don't prevent that with any seriousness. The most common first assignment, after the post-choosing training period under a senior in a major church, is as a village priest, but he could also have been assigned to a ship, the military, a city posting, or a domestic adventuring party, depending on which of his aptitudes were obvious to his superiors. He would probably still be first circle. I think some chosen were able to - disappear somewhere they weren't known, or step down safely within their existing home - but I only know the rates of those outcomes at my fort in the Worldwound which I think was unusually nonlethal for renounced priests, only one in ten dead, and have no numbers for more typical cases. If he was a village priest it would probably be within the same province as his seminary whether or not that seminary was in the same province as your home."

“Only six months? Wizard school is much longer… Can people fail out - like in wizard school - if they’re not Chosen - or is it that or death?” 

"Wizard school is longer because wizards need sleep, but also there was further training after choosing, just - training aimed at making a cleric useful, not at making someone into a cleric at all. People could fail out of seminary but it's much rarer; they would not necessarily die of the expulsion procedure, I think, but I didn't see one. It was not formally a death sentence."

She’s angry at how calm he is, even as she finds it reassuring.

”When I asked if you thought he might be - okay - I didn’t just mean if he was alive. Why are you so fine with everything?” 

"- there are a lot of things I'm not fine with, but most possible ways of reacting to them wouldn't improve the situation at all."

“- how can you just - seem fine - then?” 

She’s embarrassed to be asking but she already spat in his face, surely this can’t be making anything worse but at least that wasn’t pathetic, this is pathetic.

"...practice."

“Why did you want to practice being better at doing things when you were doing them for Asmodeus? - or did you get better at doing things, after?”

"I spent my career at the Worldwound and it was important to me to get better at containing the demons. But not all practice is even responsive to how much one wants to practice doing a thing; it can happen when you do a thing many times however little you like it."

She swallows.

”I killed my baby. When learning wizardry. Because we need sleep to be wizards and so they take away the babies. They were going to take him away - and - and - I couldn’t bear them to hurt him and damn him like they were damning us all and he was just born so he was surely too little for Hell - 

- they kicked me out, a bit after that, because I couldn’t cast proper spells anymore, only cantrips and was failing everything and it wasn’t really on purpose so they didn’t kill me for it but they couldn’t make me be useful to them but it’s been years and I haven’t been able to be useful to myself either.” 

"You're right. Babies are too little for Hell. Your baby is not in Hell."

“ - but I didn’t need to. Because the archmages came. If I’d let them take my baby he - might’ve been okay now.” 

"You didn't know. Even paladins can only do what's best given what they know."

“ - I - was it best? - surely it was still Evil - I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this”

She digs her nails into her arm, blinks rapidly to clear the tears forming. 

"I don't know if it was best. I'm sorry."

Her face burns with embarrassment. A moment of silence. Two. Three. She’s trembling a little, but her voice is steadier.  

“Is there a way to get seminary records? So I can find out whether he was clericed and where they sent him after?” 

"- that's a good question," why did he publish a pamphlet advertising his potential insight on people's cleric relatives without getting ahold of any seminary records!! Why is he so stupid! "but I don't know. Which seminary was he in?"

“I’m… not sure. We grew up in the Heartlands, between Egorian and Dekarium. I went to wizardry prep school in Dekarium, but I don’t think there was a seminary there. So I guess Egorian if there was one there? Unless they sometimes send them to schools far away just because… Probably my parents know - if they’re alive - but I - don’t want to try to find them.” 

"I'm from Dekarium, so most likely he went to the same place I did, the Crucible. I will see what I can do to find records if they survive."

She nods. 

“His name was Nicolau Vernet.” 

Blai will get out some paper and scratch that down.

“Thank you.”

"Of course. I should have looked into the records sooner and thank you for prompting me."

“- you’re not awful. Every Asmodean priest I met - before - was awful. Were you always like this or - did it take being dropped - or being chosen again? 

- that’s what I meant by if he was okay, kind of. He wasn’t awful to start with.”

don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t think about it

"I think I was always unusual. I have changed, since being dropped and then selected. But mostly in Who I owe my allegiance and... how I present myself. Not being allowed to lie is a substantial constraint, for one.

"I think you probably did not get a close look at the - inner personal qualities - of priests you met. It's possible that your brother would seem awful to anyone who met him while he was practicing clergy but not to you. Depending on your relationship."

no she’s not going to think about that 

“I think that’s everything. Unless you have anything else to say about not being fine but seeming fine if practice doesn’t help enough?” 

that’s so pathetic but she already knew she’s pathetic and she’s known that for years and no one is beating her about it right now and it feels like they might start any moment but that’s pathetic to worry about and she’s also too pathetic to stop it so whatever 

her brain is eating itself much less than it was a couple of hours ago so it seems like it was a good decision to come

"Unfortunately that skill, if it's a skill, is not transparent to me as having any parts besides 'be Chelish' - but - Cheliax is changing, so I'm not sure it's wise to focus on that skill to the exclusion of others."

okay yes she knows she’s pathetic and everyone else is much better than her at everything that matters and even the select who will graciously take being spat upon is like what is wrong with you how are you like this how did you not get better at this in your whole life in cheliax are you even chelish no chelish people are quite this pathetic  

She wants defend herself and say that she’s usually better than this, it’s just that she can only do one of “have useful thoughts” and “not be like this” and most days she doesn’t actually need to have useful thoughts so it’s fine except for how she wants to be able to cast more than cantrips again at some point - she can pull off being Chelish most days, she just couldn’t do being Chelish and have this conversation. But that’d be even more pathetic. Instead - 

“What are the skills you think are wisest to focus on?”

"...shaking off Hell, whatever form that takes for you. Is there a god you favor nowadays?"

"No." 

"If you don't want to take up a better religion I'm not sure where to suggest you start; I imagine there are - Rahadi philosophers or something, meditating on the Good without any specific divine model, but I don't know what they say, I'm sorry."

"Oh, I'm not - specifically opposed to taking up a different religion, I just... haven't thought about it much. Didn't seem like it would help with anything. Also... a lot of services are in old Asmodean temples and I don't like spending time here. Unless it's important." 

"That makes sense. They'll be remodeled over time, but not fast. I have heard a couple of street preachers, a Calistrian, a Sarenrite, there might be more but I don't know where you'd find them..."

"I think I don't understand how this... helps with going to Hell? Do you get points for listening to Good sermons? I can tolerate being in the Asmodean temple if it helps someone somehow. I'd just assumed there wasn't a... point, in trying for myself, because of the baby. Especially if I... spend a lot more time not able to take actions then most people. But sitting someplace I can do even when I'm... not fine. 

- seems easy enough to get the Abyss instead of Hell, if it's Hell in particular that the problem. I know Iomedae hates Hell in particular but I don't understand why. The Worldwound seemed pretty bad. Is it better to try to get the Abyss, if I get Abaddon? If the Worldwound is really closed then maybe that makes the Abyss less bad? Or... actually maybe it would be better if I let Abaddon eat me? If I'm Neutral Evil? Is that how that works?" 

"That... is how I understand it to work... Hell in particular is bad because it is organized and worth opposing because it is finite, the Worldwound was in fact very bad but the Abyss itself goes on forever with no end to the number of demons so while it might be desirable to establish a beachhead there someday its complete conquest is not likely feasible. I don't actually know if there is a standard recommendation from the Church about what choice to make if you find yourself having a choice, but it's - better to make your choices now when they can keep you out of the Lower Planes altogether. Listening to sermons, by itself, doesn't do it, but a good sermon is designed to - clarify to you within yourself how to attend to your conscience and pursue the good in whatever way makes sense to you...

"In Osirion, Abadar's country, they aim specifically for Lawful Neutral, and they're interested in how to make it more likely and more legibly likely that someone will make it, and they do statistics, scrying the dead whose lives they know more about to see where they wind up. They are trying to come up with a loosely standardized accounting of how much Good it takes in what forms to make up for common Evils. And one of the most common Evils is infanticide. If - I gave you their best estimate, in gold, it would sound insurmountable, but it's not, it's just - denominated in gold, and a lifetime aimed at the Good is more valuable than the gold."

“I am - bad at pursuing things. So it doesn’t sound like the sermons will help.” 

"...well, there's a skill to get better at, then."

“That’s… what I meant by seeming fine when not fine. Or. It’s all - kind of the same problem.” 

"Is it? Why can't you pursue something while not seeming fine?"

She opens her mouth to explain, but this is just too mortifying. 

She stammers for a few moments, and then settles on a shrug. 

"You don't have to tell me, or anyone, but if you can figure it out for yourself it might be important."

“ - I - I - I -

I’ve been trying.”

Nod nod. "What have you been trying?"

Another shrug. 

"Sometimes there is a - state of mind, that feels like trying, but doesn't have any steps. And if it's not working you might want to switch to a form of trying that has steps."

“ I - sometimes I can’t - anything - even if the steps are very small.” 

this might actually be worse than getting a beating

she wants to turn and run but she’s been using her mouth and not her legs and her legs feel more stuck than her mouth why did she come here why can’t she leave 

"I could go ask a paladin to lend you their anti-fear aura if you think that might help at all. It doesn't cost a spell slot as I understand it."

She nods. 

He goes and comes back with a paladin.

Who smiles reassuringly.

oh no

She turns and takes a half step away before she realizes she needs to cancel the previously failing instruction that's abruptly succeeded at going through. 

"-oh. This is incredible. I could definitely hang first-circle spells like this in the morning. I wonder if I can I do them now? I've never tried in the evening. Do you feel like this all time? Is there any way I can feel like this all the time? I could - "

She notices that something in the demeanor of the Select has shifted. 

"- are you okay?" 

So this is what not being afraid is like.

It doesn't feel like much.

That is to say, it's just an absence. The not-fear doesn't have any weight of its own.

Also, it has deleted about three quarters of Blai's thoughts, and not replaced them with anything.

That's a large fraction.

Most of his thoughts aren't worth having, of course. This is probably just picking out the worthwhile ones that aren't about being afraid.

So it's not objectively slowing him down much probably.

It's a lot like being slowed down, though, subjectively.

And on top of feeling slower he feels like he's interacting less with the process of thinking.

Usually he has to catch his useful thoughts as they go by, each accompanied by chaff he chooses to discard.

He isn't doing that part right now.

It feels sort of like he might have imagined not having free will would feel like.

Fearless. Unencumbered by distracting emotions. Thinking, because he is the kind of tool that must think, but not making decisions about the thoughts.

He is not afraid that he will one day become something like this forever. He is not presently able to be afraid of that, or anything.

Maybe if he were immune to fear always, the way paladins are, he would get faster. Maybe he would fill the blank spots that would once have been full of nervousness with content of value.

Maybe. Maybe not.

It's not for always, though, it's only while the aura is lent to him. He does not have the opportunity to learn to think more efficiently this way.

And he is - slowly, waiting for the thought to come unbidden, lacking any of the usual mental clamor to tear through in search of it, and reduced to passive observation of his mental state - he is aware that he does not like this.

Which is a feeling, and doesn't matter.

The fear that he's missing doesn't matter either.

Since neither of these things matters, that means it's up to him.

In the meanwhile he's doing spiritual counseling, though, and that does matter.

"Please don't worry about me. It's an area effect and I don't seem to take to it as well as you, but it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't cost effort to keep up but there aren't a lot of ways to be sure you can always be within ten feet of a paladin who can do it."

"Is there a way I can do it in the mornings? If I could get first-circle spells every morning - I think if they're prepped I can cast them most of the time even if I'm not in the aura, it's prepping them that's hardest - this would help with the part where I can't hold down a job well if I'm trying to think at the same time - I think I could manage to make enough on first-circle spells to eat every day even if I wasn't perfectly reliable about it. Though I'm not totally sure since I haven't actually been thinking about this as a viable strategy."

That would be terrifying to say if she could be terrified, the thought of being terrified again soon would be terrifying if she could be terrified, but she can't so there's only the wonderful clarity of her thoughts.

And embarrassment. 

This is also embarrassing but it's better to solve her problems at the cost of being embarrassed, the whole previous conversation was embarrassing as well terrifying and she's still embarrassed about it but it's also led to the most wonderful possible thing so everything that led up to this moment had to have been a good idea and if it's just the one thing eating her brain she can push through it just fine for right now. 

"If you want to come to morning services every day, I can mark out a circle around where I'll plan to sit and that can be the courage aura area, but I don't know if you'll find it easy to concentrate on spells during a sermon and sometimes the pews are packed very tight."

"Oh, I don't think that'll be a problem - unless it's Evil to not pay attention to the sermon? But then I probably shouldn't go to sermons at all unless I can be in an aura. I hadn't thought about that part when going to sermons came up earlier." 

"I don't think it's Evil to not pay attention to the sermon but if it's extremely crowded you might be displacing someone who did want to hear it."

"Do you know if wizard spells always need to be prepped first thing in the morning or if you can prep them later in the day? I don't remember that part, at school they always had us trying starting early in the morning. If it's often very crowded is there anywhere else some other time that I can be near paladins that can do the aura? I won't be a bother, I think I can very reliably not be a bother if I'm in an aura like this." 

"Wizards can prepare spells at any time. At times other than services it's likelier that more of the paladins who are using this temple as a home base will be at the convention or else on errands - Select Artigas just dispatched one of us on such an errand a little while ago - but we'll be erratically available."

"Thank you. I'd appreciate it if you thought of any other ways where it wouldn't be an inconvenience to the paladin for me to spend more time near a paladin aura, I'd be happy with a near arbitrary amount of inconvenience for it for myself, but this amount is already going to be very helpful." 

"...I suppose you could see if you can get a support-wizardry role in the Glorious Reclamation but I have never worked in the recruitment arm so I couldn't tell you how likely that would be to work."

“Probably I can find someone who can tell me, if I’m spending a lot of time here. Thank you.”

She directs that at both the paladin and the select.

"You're welcome. I've been reading convention transcripts, just now, so if you and Select Artigas are through you can come sit with me until something requires my attention."

"Thank you Ser Jornet."

He doesn't have to sit in Ser Jornet's circle during services, he'll just have to get there early and make sure there's still at least standing room outside of it.

“Yes, I think - that’s everything important. I’ll be easy for you to find if you get any news about my brother? I can also come look for you after some amount of time has passed if that would be more convenient. Thank you, Select.” 

it’s kind of pathetic how grateful she is but it turns out that that’s fine if she’s not also terrified of being pathetic. 

Nod nod nod? Will that make Ser Jornet go away??

Yup. Off she goes.

Olivia follows closely behind. 

Blai gives them a wide berth. Anybody else here for him?

There is! Silvia has been patiently waiting and watching how Blai talks to people. He doesn't seem to have been lying about anything? And it certainly looks like nobody's ending up tortured for their conversation. That alone means he's obviously not still a normal Chosen, even setting the paladins aside. Still, probably best to minimize how many people get clues about her history with the Church.

Up she walks. "Select Artigas? I have some questions I would like to ask, privately. —I'll swear not to harm you, if it makes any difference."

"I think I'm starting to make my bodyguard irritable; can I have your name first and some idea what you'd like to talk about before I send him away?"

Not too surprising. How much is she willing to say? The paladins seem mostly reasonable so far. If she avoids going into detail it's probably not a problem?

"Silvia. It's mostly about the Church of Asmodeus, how it worked from the inside. And how Iomedae's church differs."

"All right. I've reserved this room." He nods at the bodyguard to park by the door.

She would thank him, but she's pretty sure that's not how priests work, even if they're not Asmodeus's. She dips a little curtsey instead.

"I used to work for a Chosen, before the war. He spent most of his time worrying about the other Chosen nearby, avoiding their plots and trying to catch them unaware. Do you know if that's something Asmodeus was doing to the church? Was it just how big groups of people work?"

"...both and neither. It is not impossible for devout Asmodeans to be more merit- than sabotage-oriented, as is my impression of Hellknights, and separately it is a mortal tendency to sometimes find destroying competitors easier and more appealing than improving oneself as a way to reap the rewards of advancement. I think Hell's influence encouraged it in large part by damaging and destroying the kinds of... anti-escalatory protections... that better organizations have, and by making failure so dangerous for anyone already enmeshed in the competition."

"Does Iomedae's church try to avoid disagreements escalating, then?" Blai will be able to tell this is more important to Silvia than she's trying to make it sound. 

"Yes. Very much so. It helps no one but the enemy if Iomedae's people are fighting amongst ourselves. There's a hierarchy but it's complicated and one isn't automatically in it even if selected by the Goddess - I'm not because I haven't learned enough to be competent to take meaningful vows, for instance, which means that I can get advice but not orders - but even within the hierarchy it's always permissible to go over one's superior's head and get a dispute settled, or ask for a reassignment, or complain of an illegal order."

Being able to go over a superior to resolve disputes is— wait, what?

"Illegal orders?"

"Illegal orders are an essential concept, at least to me - there are things that no one, not even the top levels of the church hierarchy or the commander of one's order or Iomedae Herself, is authorized to demand. Even from people sworn to obedience, even in wartime, even if they claim to have an exceptionally good reason. - sometimes you are allowed to volunteer for things no one is authorized to demand, but then it's not an order so it isn't an illegal order."

That's possible? She didn't think that was how things worked! Wasn't law supposed to be about being predictable and acting in exactly the way you're supposed to act?

"You can do that and still be lawful?"

"Yes! It's amazing, isn't it?"

Nod.

...but she's clearly off-topic at this point. Such as she had a topic, which admittedly wasn't much but still.

"I know Asmodeus's church tried to make sure nobody could appeal to anything but the Church, or maybe the Crown but we didn't have much of that, to settle disputes." Se's clearly understating things. "Is that also part of Hell, or is it just how churches work? If you know, at least, I guess this is more about how Iomedae's country works than how her church works."

"I've been to Lastwall briefly but did not study their handling of this while I was there. I think a Good church will not - seek to be your only recourse? It might in practice be your only recourse if the state is deficient, right now the justice system in most of Cheliax is paladins on loan from the Reclamation riding around, but I would not expect them to seek to prevent other systems you could appeal to from coming into existence."

Well that's good at least. She probably can't ask about Wain, even if this is supposed to be private. "Is the Convention more like the Asmodean church, or the Iomedaen?"

—why did she ask that. She should not have asked that. Thaaat... well. Nothing for it now. 

"...I wouldn't really say it's like a church at all. I guess there might be churches it's like, but - neither of those."

Oh good. Nothing too bad happened to her there. And she can get back to her planned questions.

"Like I said, I was a servant of a Chosen before the war. If I had been a servant of a Select instead, what generally would have been different?"

"I would expect - well, little to no torture, they use flogging in the military and I've never specifically asked about servants but it would surprise me a little if it happened in that context so more likely 'no torture' than 'little' but I'd need to check to be sure. ...probably more clearly specified duties or at least response to failure with clarification the first few times. You would not have been given illegal orders but I'm not sure if you'd have been required to take a class on recognizing them just in case. I can get you a list of what they are scrivened off from the Lastwall military discipline handbook if you would like, it's not long without all the edge cases and those are rare."

"That might help me understand how illegal orders work, yes. What about the rest of the village? You said a Select would probably not try to shut down other ways to resolve things, but how would you expect the actual judgements to differ? ...either a Select or a paladin, actually, I don't really know what the difference is. Maybe that's important."

"We have different powers and clerics have more alignment flexibility than paladins but we follow most of the same rules and guidance. You might want to talk to one of the paladins who's ridden assizes about how they're doing justice in that context, all my experience is military."

"That makes sense. Speaking of guidelines, what are the most important places where Asmodean teachings were wrong?" Or where we should now believe they were wrong, she doesn't say.

"Hell is bad and no one should go there even if they could somehow be assured of ranking highly, which they virtually always can't. There is no particular desirability about His preferred structure of tyranny besides that He likes it and that is not a good enough reason. Torturing people is basically always wrong and it would be licit to assiduously avoid situations where you might risk encountering exceptions like the military if it were a matter of conscience. - having a conscience is good and is not pathetic, that was a lie intended to prevent people from intuiting their way out of Hell's trap. There are limits to what can be licitly demanded of you and to what you can licitly demand of others. Murder is wrong, including of infants, and it is incumbent on mortals to avoid putting infants in harm's way such as by creating them in situations where infanticide would be appealing wherever this is possible to avoid. There is always a best thing to do; how good that thing is depends on a lot of factors but importantly one of them is the strategies you know of for how to think about it; it is accordingly important to put time into learning better such strategies."

That's a lot, but it does seem to fit together with what he was saying before? If Law is about things besides just playing the part you're given, if it's important to actually believe in what you're doing.... maybe that makes a system which doesn't have to et everything else to survive. Maybe she really can fit in without tearing herself apart trying to do contradictory things.

...and now she wants to thank him again. Maybe it's worth asking.

"And helping people like this, counseling them and actually trying to make them more correct even if they don't give you anything for it, is that something Iomedae wants her clerics to do?"

"Yes, I consider it my responsibility as Her cleric to find the most good that would go undone without my contribution and work on that within my constraints and responsibilities."

Another curtsey, deeper this time. "Then thank you for your time, Select."

And off she goes.

"You're welcome." And he can rejoin his bodyguard once the door is open.

A short while later, a woman wearing a colorful though somewhat tattered cloak and a child of under a year on her hip sweeps in into the temple. 

“Select Artigas?” 

"Yes, how can I help you?"

If Blai has a good enough memory for faces he might recognize her and her baby from the religious delegates section. She’s usually as near the exit as she can manage and has been ducking out with her baby whenever he’s gotten fussy enough. She’s not wearing her name tag though. 

“I came by because I was curious, when you came up during the floor speeches, and then I read your pamphlet saying you were talking to people here and thought I might come by. Nothing pressing, I’m happy to stand aside if a petitioner with more urgent reasons to speak arrives or if you’ve already had enough conversations for the day.”

"I expected when I produced the pamphlet to spend all evening on conversations and no one else appears to be waiting for me right now."

“Have you had a lot of people come by already?” 

"Several. On one occasion, in a band of half a dozen."

“Sounds like you’re getting what you hoped for out of the pamphlet then? Have the conversations been what you expected?

- Oh, I haven’t introduced myself, I’m Voyager… Desnia.” 

"Good evening to you, Voyager. Yes, it's been within my projected range in most respects."

“Well, I’m not sure what you were expecting from your evening, but I’m here because I’ve never had a chance for a… friendly… conversation with a cleric of Asmodeus before, former or otherwise and it’s both the kind of new experience that I wouldn’t want to pass up and it also… might help with some of the ways I’ve been missing opportunities since the war.” 

Her baby is starting to wiggle. She puts him down on the ground. 

"Missing opportunities?"

“Well, I was a cleric before the war, but of course everything was very different then. I couldn’t do anything openly. I worked mostly as a messenger with the occasional opportunity to smuggle people out of the country. But not much preaching or spiritual guidance or that sort of thing, except in the sorts of distant tiny villages with no churches, where Asmodeism never fully took root. 

And so even though I’ve lived in Cheliax most of my life I understand Asmodeism and the people of Cheliax much less than one might expect. And it’s harder to help people when one doesn’t understand them.”

"I think that's a problem the foreign clerics are running into just the same way; it's a lot of what I mean to have be my own niche."

“I think the foreign clerics are having a harder time than I am. But maybe imagining me as a foreign cleric might work well as a first pass for advice. What are the mistakes you’ve been seeing them make the most?”

"They're - easily shocked. Used to relying on concepts that Chelish people do not have entire."

"I mostly haven't been shocked, or at least not obviously so, though I was avoiding large cities and such before so I've still had some sad surprises - but I have pretty good reason to believe that I can if I'm trying pass adequately as an unremarkable Chelish person. 

- but I do think that I might sometimes be missing it when there’s concepts that Chelish people do not have entire and am too prone to assuming it’s that they are of course - hiding that understanding from people they don't trust?" 

"It's not always either of those, sometimes they have - several guesses and don't know which to put weight on even if one guess is actually pretty good, or... I'm reluctant to use examples from people who've been in here to talk to me even when they did not expressly ask for confidentiality, in part because I doubt any of them would have felt able to rely on such confidentiality if it had been in place, so their not asking doesn't mean they wouldn't have wanted it. I'm sure a lot of them could tell you the definition of confidentiality."

She nods. 

“That sounds familiar to me. How do you think - you came by the concepts that many people are missing?”

The baby has crawled a bit away. She quickly fetches him back. 

"I don't think I have them all. The ones I have are a combination of... commitment to Law over Evil, which I've always had, and the Asmodean clergy as a whole tended the other way but it wasn't hard to get instruction on Law when I wanted it. Exposure to our allies at the Worldwound and backforming what might have driven them once I needed to know. The Lastwall disciplinary handbook and the Acts of Iomedae - I think these would have been less effective if I hadn't been committed to using them as ways to shape my life but since I was they helped. Most recently I was able to get part of the way through a course of catechism in Lastwall before convention responsibilities called me back here."

“I think I’m lacking in understanding of Law, myself.

I can grasp the outline of it, sometimes - I can see why it would sometimes be good to be able to promise confidentiality and have it be believed.

But - the set of things Law is valuable for seems so narrow. It seems by far inferior to being Good. What was the benefit of Law in Asmodean Cheliax? Was it even possible to be good and lawful? Was it actually illegal to detect as Good? I never bothered to learn the finer points of the law, I only knew that being read as Good would likely get me killed, not on what grounds it would do so.” 

"The benefit of Law in Asmodean Cheliax was that we could hold the Worldwound together with our worst enemies, but mostly I just seem to be that way temperamentally. - I don't know if it was possible to be Lawful Good in very many places and times in Infernal Cheliax. Difficult in the extreme if it was possible, though Law is not identical to following the written code of laws... It was not illegal to be Good per se but being detectably so would tend to cause whoever detected you to assume that you were some kind of rebel or infiltrator, because you'd have to be powerful or a cleric or both, and it was not legally required to be restrained in apprehending and punishing suspected rebels and infiltrators."

The baby has been fussing for a bit, and now he’s starting to outright cry. She picks him up, tries bouncing him. 

“Sorry about that.

- That… holds together as an answer but I still don’t see it. But I’m not sure what to ask, to understand better.” 

She shrugs, clearly a bit distracted by the baby. 

"I'm not sure it would be to your advantage to have a strong intuitive understanding of Law, if you're a Desnan. Not that I expect my trying to explain more would get you to the point where you'd be too far away from Her, I haven't the Splendor, but if I were you I would be careful with steps in that direction."

"It would have never occurred to me to worry about that as a possibility. Is that how you stopped being His?" 

"No. That was nothing I did, I was dropped on the same day as everyone else."

"Ah, right, you said in the pamphlet. Not getting enough sleep is making me a bit scattered. It's making the convention harder also." 

She gestures towards the child on her hip, who has settled down a bit. 

"I'm a bit more intimidated by you than I expected to be. Even though you're less intimidating than I expected you to be. If that makes any sense at all." 

"I think it does make sense. If there is anything I could be doing to help with that I would like to know."

"If I think of anything I'll let you know. It's just - 

- did you ever Maledict anyone?" 

"No. If I had I'd -"

"- no. When Iomedae selected me I burned the scroll that was at my fort, if I'd ever Maledicted someone I would have tried using it to un-Maledict them, the spell can be cast backward."

To a perceptive eye, she relaxes marginally at that. 

"Why even was there a scroll of Malediction at your fort? What circumstances could you have possibly wound up using it in?

- also, I do believe you but it also occurs to me that I don't know Iomedae or Lawful Good well enough to know whether lying is the sort of thing you can do and under what circumstances so that answer probably mattered to me more than it should have." 

"The official threshold was very high for its actual use, it was mostly present as an intimidation tactic. Iomedaeans are not allowed to lie - while presenting ourselves as Iomedaeans, this wouldn't apply if a spy were secretly Hers - but it is understandable if you don't believe that."

“Yes, that kind of claim about lying does have that kind of problem, doesn’t it.”

She shrugs. 

“Well, I’ve certainly been told enough times that I’m foolishly trusting, and it’s mostly worked out well enough for me. Though I just now realized I was probably being very foolish about a thing a ways back.”

"It might be worthwhile to have some event where a paladin just stands in front of everyone who wants to see and says under Abadar's Truth that they're not allowed to lie. ...do you want to say more about that, or...?"

"Ah, but what if people don't believe that Abadar's Truth works the way that it's claimed, that there aren't exceptions for powerful enough people? That'll get you some people, but I'm not sure if it'll be most people. Though it would get you most everyone to stop disbelieving out loud." 

Another shrug. 

"It wouldn't do much more for me, in any case." 

"I don't know that people merely disbelieving quietly is an improvement; it seems likely it's not, we won't know when to provide more evidence where we have it."

"If people act like something is true for long enough, they probably eventually believe it, and I'm not sure it's possible to do better than that, here. If the things that they're being asked to pretend to believe are good for them to pretend that's... as good as institutions can get. 

- That's how I feel, when interacting with institutions, anyway. They tell me what to pretend to believe about them and I choose to pretend to believe it, and everything else is between me and my faith and whatever person I'm talking to." 

"I suspect you're not alone in that but it somewhat hamstrings a Good institution to be received that way."

“Yes, I can see that. But - 

I keep asking more philosophical questions rather than more personal ones, despite being more interested in the personal. Feels… safer, even though the specifics of these questions wouldn’t have been safe in the past regardless.

- Why did you choose to serve Him?” 

"It... did not feel like a choice, at the time, by design. It didn't seem like anything about the situation that I could control could go any better in any way that mattered."

She purses her lips. 

"Is this some sort of Law thing? Does that make you more susceptible to believing that there's only one thing to do, that there are no choices, because the rules say so? 

I - don't understand how it can not feel like a choice to be a cleric of a god - I suppose I didn't choose the Dreamer when I was first chosen, exactly, I didn't even know who she was. But I would have chosen her if I had known and I choose her again every morning when I pray for spells and every time I lay down to rest, and in my dreams besides." 

"I didn't actually choose Iomedae either, She surprised me."

"And does it still not feel like a choice, to stay Hers?" 

"I could renounce Her but I do not remotely wish to do that. It... doesn't come naturally to me to think of that as something I am actively doing. Taking actions because I believe they're how I can best serve Her is something I'm actively doing, but when I'm just - existing, being Her cleric, that doesn't feel like making a decision. I might be unusual in this."

"I could believe that it's a difference between Law and Chaos. Or at least this explanation feels confusing to me in the same ways.

I don't think think I'm mostly taking actions because of - a desire to serve. If I stopped being a cleric of Desna I would still want to act in the world in the same way, I would just be worse at it. 

What would you do if you stopped being a cleric of Iomedae? What were you planning on doing when you were no longer a cleric of His?" 

"- it might depend on why I stopped? It was - then - important to me that all the other clerics were dropped too, the same morning, that it was nothing about me, that I hadn't made some - by my framework at the time - terrible mistake. I still had my temporal orders, though, to hold the Worldwound, so I focused on that. I didn't make any other plans. I was pretty surprised my men didn't up and murder me, my second in command was personally loyal but only a second circle wizard and couldn't have held them off if they'd made a concerted effort."

There’s a lengthy pause. 

“That doesn’t -

- I don’t know that there is any kind of explanation that a priest of Asmodeus could have ever given me that would have made sense to me so I shouldn’t be surprised that I haven’t found one here, either.”

She looks down at her baby, who is now sleeping peacefully. 

"I wish I had a better explanation, but there just aren't actually a lot of good reasons that hold up to scrutiny in a better situation, to be an Asmodean. A lot of seminary was about blocking off the possibility of that scrutiny, the possibility of demanding good reasons, the possibility of a better situation."

“Thank you for trying to explain anyway, I’m sure you get this question constantly and it must be tiresome.

I - hope that you don’t eventually feel that way about the life that you’re currently living. Since you don’t feel you chose it either. It’s a way to be that is less confusing to me but -

Most people choose things today because of choices that were made for them yesterday. And I want them to be free to choose today but I also want to help free them from the effects of choices that were made for them. And I want them to do good things. And mostly I don’t know how to balance these. 

- And in any case I should be more focused on the convention and less on the ministry that I’ll resume afterwards - but I have even less of an idea of how to go about that.”

Why is this such an unreasonably discomfiting way for someone to be. If he were held at swordpoint and forced to either renounce or reaffirm Iomedae he could just do the second thing, this person has no power to lock him in a featureless vacuum with no clues and make him choose stuff in it until she's satisfied that his desperate terror is the officially free kind! She is just talking and if he doesn't like it that doesn't matter! "I think there should be a lot of priorities higher than checking up on clerics of Iomedae, for a ministry concerned with releasing people from past entrapments. If nothing else as a point of theology She's concerned with not using people against their purposes when they come to Her in alliance."

"-oh, I agree that there are higher priorities than checking up on clerics of Iomedae, half of that was me musing on this general kind of thing... being a puzzle for me, that has come up often in the past year, and I haven't made much progress in untangling it.

I didn't know that about Her and I'm glad to hear it... though also it didn't sound like you came to Her in alliance, exactly?"

"- I accepted Her?" he tries.

She nods. 

"I am glad you no longer serve the god of tyranny and slavery and are working to do Good in the world. And I appreciate your willingness to answer my questions. I'd like to think I do better work in the world when I understand the people in it better, and you're a very different kind of person from those that usually will speak frankly with me. Though you might also be very different from most people so I'm not sure how well it generalizes. But I think it was still helpful to me regardless. 

- Do you have any questions for me, or any way that I can be helpful to you?" 

"I'm not thinking of anything at this time."

"Then I think that's it from me - 

- oh, I should probably just ask directly, otherwise I'll keep dwelling on it unwisely now that I've been reminded of it. 

Shortly before the Four Days War, I was caught - and - held - purportedly while waiting for a scroll of Malediction or a Malediction-capable priest came through the town. Do you think this was likely just to intimidate me in the hopes that I'd - 

- or were first-circle clerics of Good gods actually often Maledicted when captured?" 

"It wasn't mandatory, but if someone were feeling particularly vindictive, they might have hoped to catch someone who had it prepared and didn't wind up using it. It is unlikely you would have rated a scroll, those keep and were more centrally for spies and defectors."

"It was a small enough town that it was a shock that it'd had a third-circle priest at all, I'd expected a second-circle at worst - that's why I got caught, then." 

She shrugs. 

"The priest - convinced me - while I captured - that it was going to happen to me eventually and it was merely a matter of time. And I hadn't thought to - think about if it was true, afterwards, I just - kind of went on believing it. And it's a relief to realize that it wasn't nearly so definitive."

"...I'm glad you find it a relief." He already knew he and Desnia had very little in common but he cannot imagine taking any comfort in finding that if one ridiculous chance hadn't saved him he might have instead escaped his prescribed fate via someone getting impatient and killing him before coming by a fourth circle priest.

She nods. 

“That’s all, then. May freedom and grace walk with you.”

She turns to go. 

"And with you as well," he says mechanically.

And then he needs to go find Lt. Sauer.

She is reading through today's new slander decree and trying to figure out whether it bans the Acts, which make some scandalous and malicious true claims about some dead and undead people. 

"Select."

"Lieutenant. I need a better understanding of confidentiality practices and in particular whether they are at all transitive with how much work."

"I am not sure what you mean by 'whether they are at all transitive'. It is possible to promise that something will be kept confidential except for potential sharing with a set of other people, and then before you share it with that set of other people you would have to check if they agree to, and are qualified to keep, that confidentiality."

"So if I have a question that is predicated on the existence of sensitive information I need to secure an agreement to treat the information with appropriate sensitivity before asking the question?"

"Yes. You could ask 'can we speak confidentially', and then ask the question. I would answer that we can to the extent of my ability to promise confidentiality - I'm not hard to mindread and I'm not competent to act in every respect exactly like I didn't have a piece of information though I'll try."

"Not you, I need a word with - it probably doesn't have to be Ser Cansellarion himself, probably whoever's handling... logistics? Inventory? Something like that - for him would know. It is not a crisis but it would be more convenient to speak to them before or directly after the convention tomorrow, or failing that to know by then when I can expect an appointment. Is that something you can arrange for me?"

"Almost certainly. I'll look into it."

"- handling those things in his capacity as the head of the Reclamation and not any of his other roles."

She assumed as much because she doesn't think he has logistics and inventory in his other capacities. Maybe in his capacity as Count of Llàdo. "Understood."

The man has so many jobs, maybe some of them have logistics and inventory too. "Thank you."

And back to loitering in the sanctuary with his delegate tag on in case there's anyone else.