"I cannot imagine that the Alfirin of the Acts would have countenanced an empire ruled by Hell. So if she is alive, I would expect to find her among your companions. Look for the one who inexplicably seems to have offended the Church of Iomedae in spite of her great service to the cause of Good"—oh, wait, that arguably describes more than one of them.

Well, the game is up. His expression suddenly turns more serious. "I did mean to tell you, at some point, that I think Cansellarion is being foolish..."

Man, this is quality stuff. The Acts is pretty good reading already, but it was really light on the romance stuff. This isn't the kind of thing Nuria usually likes--she generally prefers for the main couple to, you know, end up together in the end--but the sheer artistry of matching the actual Acts so well is just, chef's kiss. Nuria wants to find this pamphleteer and shake their hand. She files her copy in with the pamphlets she likes and wants to keep for her personal collection. 

Geb: I am Geb, the skeleton king of Geblamd. 

Tarbofen: I am Tarbofen, the skeleton king of Ustalav.

Geb: My Great Terrible War with Nex is for sensible reasons of Wizardly Rivalry and not petty personal disputes.

Tarbofen: My Great Terrible War with Iomedae is because I am jealous she is dating the evil enchantress instead of me. 

Someone puts out a version of that last pamphlet with the last line edited to say “Tarbofen” is jealous of Iomedae over Alfirin instead of the other way around.

Compromise? Someone starts selling obscene woodcuts of a three-way involving paladin, an enchantress, and a skeleton. Buy now, before the church gets heresy laws passed. 

This never happened when Alfirin was just a normal and unremarkable part of the Acts, so she brought it on herself, really.

MORE TRUE* HISTORY OF THE SHINING CRUSADE

Alfirin: Behold, I have Received a Proposal of Marriage from Tarbofen the Skeleton-King of Gebland.

Iomedae: Woe, that I have been Reduced to Jealousy by a Mere Skeleton! Lord Arnisant, tell her it Cannot Be So!

Arnisant: Indeed, by the Law of the Empire a Lich Cannot Marry.

Karlenius: Is this because he is Dead?

Arnisant: No, it is because he cannot Consummate; indeed, Other Kinds of Dead may be able to Wrangle It.

Simplicio: Why should the Skeleton-King of Gebland be bound to Marry according to the Laws of the Empire?

Iomedae: Please Shut Up.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT BY THE CHURCH OF IOMEDAE

The Church of Iomedae continues to recommend against the acquisition of theological texts from unapproved sources. However, in light of a number of recent inquiries about a certain pamphlet currently circulating in Westcrown, which alleges to contain passages at some point redacted from the Acts of Iomedae, the Church wishes to make the following statement:

The identity and motive of the person or persons responsible for the distribution of this pamphlet remain unknown to the Church, and its current presumption is that the distributor's motive was hostile to the Church's aims. For this reason, the Church disrecommends the purchase or reading of this pamphlet, above and beyond the general disrecommendation of theological pamphlets. However, an investigation by the Church has now confirmed that the copy of the pamphlet it examined does indeed consist, except for the title page, entirely of passages present in the original edition of the Acts of Iomedae and absent in the current edition, although it does not contain all such passages.

To avoid further confusion, the Church has made a pamphlet containing these passages, hereby certified genuine, available for sale, in spite of its recommendation against its purchase. The Church wishes to strongly reiterate that this material does not constitute part of the official text of the Acts of Iomedae, and that its removal therefrom was most likely deliberate. While the Church lacks adequate records of the removal to make a certain statement, it wishes to remind the public that its standard doctrine is and has always been that Iomedae, both as a mortal and as a god, was and is imperfect and capable of mistake. It is likely that those authorities of the Church originally responsible for the removal of this material considered it to depict a mistake made by the mortal Iomedae which was irrelevant to the broader message of the Acts and likely to inspire unwise imitation among the faithful. Specifically, the relationship depicted would be forbidden under the Church's present guidelines concerning fraternization within military units, although it is not believed to have been forbidden under the regulations of the Shining Crusade. Additionally, the Church considers the actions of the mortal Iomedae therein depicted to have included a number of other significant and costly mistakes whose nature the Church does not currently plan to disclose.

Aww, you really are no fun at all.

It’s canon???

Holy shit!!! This is so cool! 

(Nuria assumes, without consciously realizing that this is an assumption and not just An Obvious Fact, that the mistake mortal Iomedae made that got the passages censored was breaking up with Alfirin, not dating her in the first place.)

Paula furtively copied the original and kept it with her private belongings, but wasn't really sure why. And then had some daydreams about one of the junior knights that surprised her. It's probably not true, but... If Iomedae said it was a mistake, for a commander who wanted to be a god, but she didn't say it was wrong...

She reads the official announcement and has even more daydreams. Gods damn it, there's no way she can ask Mistress Tomas to tell her the full fraternization regs...

... the mistake mortal Iomedae made that got the passages censored was breaking up with Alfirin, not dating her in the first place.

(The failure analysis is ongoing and certainly won't be public, but this is likely to be a dissenting opinion at best.)

The Church of Iomedae does not have a position on romantic or sexual relationships between two people of the same sex. This is not why Iomedae's relationship with Alfirin was redacted from the Acts. The Church of Iomedae is also poorly equipped to counsel those who may have learned via our announcement that such relationships are possible. We regret not considering this aspect of the announcement's likely effects before making it. If you are in need of counsel on this subject, please see a priest of Shelyn instead.

Lastwallicus: I am Lastwallicus, paladin of the church of Iomedae. 

Geryon: I am Geryon, devil lord of Lies and also Snakes.

Lastwallicus: I read my Holy Book the Acts of Iomedae.

Geryon: Behold, your Holy Book now contains Salacious Passages.

Lastwallicus: In the name of Iomedae do I Rebuke you! Get your Lies out of the Holy Book.

Geryon: This wasn’t me. I’ve been busy with… I cannot say, a Geryon doesn’t kiss and tell. 

Lastwallicus: I do not know what Scandalous Implication you make, but surely it is a Lie of Getyon.

Geryon: Regardless. Ask Iomedae if these passages are My Work. 

Lastwallicus: I now Commune with Holy Iomedae… These passages were in the original version? How can this be true? 

Geryon: Ahahahaha you Foolish Paladin. You have misplaced your Trust.

Lastwallicus: I am sure Holy Iomedae had these passages removed for sensible reasons of Law and Good, not because she was embarrassed that her archmage dumped her.

...She does not even slightly want to ask Alicia to explain to her how two women have sex. 

A certain woodcut maker endeavors to help resolve any confusion on this topic. Now available: ‘The ILLUSTRATED Edition of the Secret Redacted Selections of the Most Holy Acts of Iomedae’. 

One of these days the convention will get around to passing a real censorship law and then the state can do something about obscene woodcuts, but for now this is the church's headache, not hers.

He can contribute to the obscene woodcuts situation! There are lots of sex positions that mortals are unaware of, as he has learned from his adventures with his mortal lover Carlota Chelam, depicted herein!

"Alexaera, I know you're very busy, but I think I need someone to murder Geryon in defense of my honor. ...other motives are also acceptable, as long as He's dead."

"I don't think it was really written by Geryon, but if you have a lead on where to find him outside of Hell - the archdevil, not the pamphlet author - I would be happy to oblige."

Geryon resides wherever there are lies, and therefore more than he resides anywhere else resides in Westcrown, right now, making woodcuts from the second floor of his laundry business and on the third floor having wild assignations with his lover Carlota Chelam. She has never showed up to the wild assignations but she has received invitations. In hindsight that may have been a security vulnerability. 

"I would prefer it not be widely explained how I learned his location."

He's increasingly suspecting that he's in some sort of weird dream but he will smite an archdevil in a weird dream, sure.

Meanwhile, a certain woodcut artist who only does this out of devotion to Iomedae and would never slander contemporary political figures is refusing to leave the house, in case the rumors are true and murderous nobles think both sets are by the same artist.