"I swear before the Goddess that I had nothing to do this and do not know who did," he tells de Luna at the earliest opportunity. "—I assume that you did ask her whether the publicly available copies of the Acts ought to be corrected, and that she said no?"

"... the selections are genuine, though, as far as I can tell."

They should put this back in the Acts, it's cute! Iomedae comes off a bit more joyful!

...Two women can be each other's lover?? How???

Claiming that the pamphlet contents were “REDACTED AND CENSORED” at least explains why it contains content not in the Acts of Iomedae.  So it raises the odds the pamphlet is true.  But Thea doesn’t have the math to articulate ‘absurdly minuscule probability’ vs. ‘moderately minuscule probability’ so she ignores the pamphlet and doesn’t finish reading it (as is her default policy towards pamphlets).

Neither Iomedae’s church nor the Crown seem to have made any decrees making heresy against Iomedae illegal.  But perhaps they’ve avoided that out of a sense of mercy towards the innocent masses, so Thea will treat this pamphlet like it is questionably legal out of respect for Iomedae’s church.  That seems like the Lawful thing to do.

'It'll be fine,' Naima said, 'we need an archduke for the heartlands anyway,' she said, 'what's the worst that could happen,' she said.

...It is in fact fine. Nobody's going to believe it except the people who already know, and even if they did what would it matter?

She'll send Archduke Blanxart an invitation to join her for tea at his earliest convenience today at the third bell, though, and plan to spend the entire time talking about unimportant and completely unrelated matters.

Why these lies? Some scribe wants Westcrown to believe that Iomedae had an intimate relationship with a wizard that doesn't appear anywhere in the published Acts, even as an archmage, but wants them to also believe that Her Church removed it from the Acts. What's the goal? To slander Iomedae? It's not very effective, except possibly among particularly old-fashioned men who have extremely strong notions of chastity, and most of those are recently raised and strongly Iomedan already.

Is it meant to create a split between the priests of Shelyn and Iomedae, for denigrating love as a mistake? The opposite, because it shows Iomedae was capable of love as a mortal? Abadar, for lying by significant deliberate omission? Erastil, for diverting herself from being married?

Is it just meant to make the kind of people who analyze this confused?

The Church of Iomedae continues to recommend people not seek theological instruction via pamphlets distributed in the streets of Westcrown though it will no longer say that all such reviewed have contained serious material inaccuracies.

Look, what do people think "chaste" is euphemizing?

Surely it's illegal to publish this sort of erotic libel against a goddess.

...It is apparently not illegal to publish erotic libel against a goddess. That really seems like an oversight that's worth correcting, but fortunately they're already working on that.

It’s a bit tropey, even for an Iomedae/Archmage!Self-Insert fic. The explanation of how it’s a secret chapter of the original acts, and having her renounce love in favor of chastity after the breakup, that’s just too self indulgent. Whoever wrote this is really good at matching the style of the Acts, though, have to give credit for that. 

Blai's just not even going to read that until and unless... let's call it four... separate people with uncorrelated Will saves all tell him it's legit.

Really, the forger could have at least bothered to include some explicit descriptions of Iomedae and this "Alfirin's" bedroom activities. This is circumspect enough you really could believe Iomedae wrote it.

Lluïsa Oriol i Cornellà
Barrister of the Courts
Delegate to the Constitutional Convention

To Select of Iomedae Blai Artigas,

These Purported Excerpts of the Acts of Iomedae appear as far as I can Ascertain to be True Passages from the Original Acts at some point Excised.

I am Most Likely a Wizard 6 though I have no Character Sheet, and have the Will Save corresponding to it; it is Doubtful that my Hat, stolenborrowed from Wealthier Parties though it may be, provides any Bonus to said Save.

Yours in Iomedae,

Delegate Lluïsa Oriol i Cornellà

Wait, she thinks she has it. This is meant to be a sensational way to give people the idea that anything has been redacted from the Acts by Iomedae's church. Which wouldn't work if they could just deny it, which means it's true, and someone with an inside source for the redactions wants them to be embarrassed to have to admit it.

Now, the question is: does she ask? On the pro side, she does actually want to know. On the con side, it will antagonize them for no strategic benefit. On the second pro side, it would probably be entertaining to watch their faces as they try to respond.

He takes tea with the Queen, after having Jean cast every known buff against mind control on him first.

"Look, I didn't do it," he says plainly, when Alfirin doesn't bring the subject up. He's telling the truth. "I don't know who did, but there are a lot of people in Golarion who are as old as I am, and I imagine you've made enemies of a few of them over the years." He'd contemplated, actually, that it might be a plot against him, aimed at getting her to remove him, but between the two of them he's much less likely to have pissed off any ancient archmages. Well, except possibly the one he's having tea with.

"Didn't do what?" She really doesn't care that much, she's just fucking with him because she's bored and has an hour free.

Her Bluff is very good but not actually good enough to convince him that multiple paladins lied to him about the Queen actually being an evil archmage and ex-lover of Iomedae. But, fine, if she wants to play games.

"I didn't publish the pamphlets alleging to be a redacted chapter of the Acts of Iomedae, Your Majesty, though I can testify that they are in fact what they claim to be, having been familiar with the Acts before the redactions were made. At any rate their revelation is far more embarrassing to the Church of Iomedae, who were apparently so unable to countenance their perfect Goddess having had personal relationships" a personal relationship, singular "that they compromised the integrity of their own holy book to hide it, than it would be to Iomedae's former lover, if hypothetically she were still around."

"... in other words, you should have seen the look on Cansellarion's face when I told him." If she's reading his mind she can see his recollection of it now.

"Fascinating. So if that pamphlet is true, and you didn't write it... do you have any speculation about who did?" Geryon, obviously, He did it before.

No, his affair with Carlota of Chelam is keeping him entirely too busy.

"I wouldn't normally expect Geryon to take it upon himself to correct a flawed holy book, but this does seem like a—unique—situation. Other than him—Arazni has apparently been freed from Geb, I assume that isn't secret from you, and she would know. Though frankly if she wanted to embarrass the Church of Iomedae she has much better material to draw from. I don't know. Perhaps it was Alfirin herself; I always suspected that she'd found a way to stick around."

"One would imagine. Archmages seem to find a way, more often than not. But if it was Alfirin herself, why in the world would she wait until now and not any point in the last few centuries? Surely she wasn't just spending the years waiting for someone to institute Freedom of the Pen."

"Far be it from me to guess the whims of an ancient archmage. What do you think she's up to, if she is still on Golarion?"

"Who can say? Perhaps, like Nex and Geb, she has retired from the world to a private demiplane to make weapons for a war that will never come, or perhaps she runs an academy for wizards in far-off Vudra, or maybe she's on Sarusan and that's why she's lost to history. Or maybe she's in America."

"I cannot imagine that the Alfirin of the Acts would have countenanced an empire ruled by Hell. So if she is alive, I would expect to find her among your companions. Look for the one who inexplicably seems to have offended the Church of Iomedae in spite of her great service to the cause of Good"—oh, wait, that arguably describes more than one of them.

Well, the game is up. His expression suddenly turns more serious. "I did mean to tell you, at some point, that I think Cansellarion is being foolish..."

Man, this is quality stuff. The Acts is pretty good reading already, but it was really light on the romance stuff. This isn't the kind of thing Nuria usually likes--she generally prefers for the main couple to, you know, end up together in the end--but the sheer artistry of matching the actual Acts so well is just, chef's kiss. Nuria wants to find this pamphleteer and shake their hand. She files her copy in with the pamphlets she likes and wants to keep for her personal collection. 

Geb: I am Geb, the skeleton king of Geblamd. 

Tarbofen: I am Tarbofen, the skeleton king of Ustalav.

Geb: My Great Terrible War with Nex is for sensible reasons of Wizardly Rivalry and not petty personal disputes.

Tarbofen: My Great Terrible War with Iomedae is because I am jealous she is dating the evil enchantress instead of me. 

Someone puts out a version of that last pamphlet with the last line edited to say “Tarbofen” is jealous of Iomedae over Alfirin instead of the other way around.

Compromise? Someone starts selling obscene woodcuts of a three-way involving paladin, an enchantress, and a skeleton. Buy now, before the church gets heresy laws passed. 

This never happened when Alfirin was just a normal and unremarkable part of the Acts, so she brought it on herself, really.

MORE TRUE* HISTORY OF THE SHINING CRUSADE

Alfirin: Behold, I have Received a Proposal of Marriage from Tarbofen the Skeleton-King of Gebland.

Iomedae: Woe, that I have been Reduced to Jealousy by a Mere Skeleton! Lord Arnisant, tell her it Cannot Be So!

Arnisant: Indeed, by the Law of the Empire a Lich Cannot Marry.

Karlenius: Is this because he is Dead?

Arnisant: No, it is because he cannot Consummate; indeed, Other Kinds of Dead may be able to Wrangle It.

Simplicio: Why should the Skeleton-King of Gebland be bound to Marry according to the Laws of the Empire?

Iomedae: Please Shut Up.

AN ANNOUNCEMENT BY THE CHURCH OF IOMEDAE

The Church of Iomedae continues to recommend against the acquisition of theological texts from unapproved sources. However, in light of a number of recent inquiries about a certain pamphlet currently circulating in Westcrown, which alleges to contain passages at some point redacted from the Acts of Iomedae, the Church wishes to make the following statement:

The identity and motive of the person or persons responsible for the distribution of this pamphlet remain unknown to the Church, and its current presumption is that the distributor's motive was hostile to the Church's aims. For this reason, the Church disrecommends the purchase or reading of this pamphlet, above and beyond the general disrecommendation of theological pamphlets. However, an investigation by the Church has now confirmed that the copy of the pamphlet it examined does indeed consist, except for the title page, entirely of passages present in the original edition of the Acts of Iomedae and absent in the current edition, although it does not contain all such passages.

To avoid further confusion, the Church has made a pamphlet containing these passages, hereby certified genuine, available for sale, in spite of its recommendation against its purchase. The Church wishes to strongly reiterate that this material does not constitute part of the official text of the Acts of Iomedae, and that its removal therefrom was most likely deliberate. While the Church lacks adequate records of the removal to make a certain statement, it wishes to remind the public that its standard doctrine is and has always been that Iomedae, both as a mortal and as a god, was and is imperfect and capable of mistake. It is likely that those authorities of the Church originally responsible for the removal of this material considered it to depict a mistake made by the mortal Iomedae which was irrelevant to the broader message of the Acts and likely to inspire unwise imitation among the faithful. Specifically, the relationship depicted would be forbidden under the Church's present guidelines concerning fraternization within military units, although it is not believed to have been forbidden under the regulations of the Shining Crusade. Additionally, the Church considers the actions of the mortal Iomedae therein depicted to have included a number of other significant and costly mistakes whose nature the Church does not currently plan to disclose.

Aww, you really are no fun at all.

It’s canon???

Holy shit!!! This is so cool! 

(Nuria assumes, without consciously realizing that this is an assumption and not just An Obvious Fact, that the mistake mortal Iomedae made that got the passages censored was breaking up with Alfirin, not dating her in the first place.)

Paula furtively copied the original and kept it with her private belongings, but wasn't really sure why. And then had some daydreams about one of the junior knights that surprised her. It's probably not true, but... If Iomedae said it was a mistake, for a commander who wanted to be a god, but she didn't say it was wrong...

She reads the official announcement and has even more daydreams. Gods damn it, there's no way she can ask Mistress Tomas to tell her the full fraternization regs...

... the mistake mortal Iomedae made that got the passages censored was breaking up with Alfirin, not dating her in the first place.

(The failure analysis is ongoing and certainly won't be public, but this is likely to be a dissenting opinion at best.)

The Church of Iomedae does not have a position on romantic or sexual relationships between two people of the same sex. This is not why Iomedae's relationship with Alfirin was redacted from the Acts. The Church of Iomedae is also poorly equipped to counsel those who may have learned via our announcement that such relationships are possible. We regret not considering this aspect of the announcement's likely effects before making it. If you are in need of counsel on this subject, please see a priest of Shelyn instead.

Lastwallicus: I am Lastwallicus, paladin of the church of Iomedae. 

Geryon: I am Geryon, devil lord of Lies and also Snakes.

Lastwallicus: I read my Holy Book the Acts of Iomedae.

Geryon: Behold, your Holy Book now contains Salacious Passages.

Lastwallicus: In the name of Iomedae do I Rebuke you! Get your Lies out of the Holy Book.

Geryon: This wasn’t me. I’ve been busy with… I cannot say, a Geryon doesn’t kiss and tell. 

Lastwallicus: I do not know what Scandalous Implication you make, but surely it is a Lie of Getyon.

Geryon: Regardless. Ask Iomedae if these passages are My Work. 

Lastwallicus: I now Commune with Holy Iomedae… These passages were in the original version? How can this be true? 

Geryon: Ahahahaha you Foolish Paladin. You have misplaced your Trust.

Lastwallicus: I am sure Holy Iomedae had these passages removed for sensible reasons of Law and Good, not because she was embarrassed that her archmage dumped her.

...She does not even slightly want to ask Alicia to explain to her how two women have sex. 

A certain woodcut maker endeavors to help resolve any confusion on this topic. Now available: ‘The ILLUSTRATED Edition of the Secret Redacted Selections of the Most Holy Acts of Iomedae’. 

One of these days the convention will get around to passing a real censorship law and then the state can do something about obscene woodcuts, but for now this is the church's headache, not hers.

He can contribute to the obscene woodcuts situation! There are lots of sex positions that mortals are unaware of, as he has learned from his adventures with his mortal lover Carlota Chelam, depicted herein!

"Alexaera, I know you're very busy, but I think I need someone to murder Geryon in defense of my honor. ...other motives are also acceptable, as long as He's dead."

"I don't think it was really written by Geryon, but if you have a lead on where to find him outside of Hell - the archdevil, not the pamphlet author - I would be happy to oblige."

Geryon resides wherever there are lies, and therefore more than he resides anywhere else resides in Westcrown, right now, making woodcuts from the second floor of his laundry business and on the third floor having wild assignations with his lover Carlota Chelam. She has never showed up to the wild assignations but she has received invitations. In hindsight that may have been a security vulnerability. 

"I would prefer it not be widely explained how I learned his location."

He's increasingly suspecting that he's in some sort of weird dream but he will smite an archdevil in a weird dream, sure.

Meanwhile, a certain woodcut artist who only does this out of devotion to Iomedae and would never slander contemporary political figures is refusing to leave the house, in case the rumors are true and murderous nobles think both sets are by the same artist. 

Oh see it's not at all that she incited someone to kill a woodcut-maker. It's that he was secretly a fiend. Killing fiends is allowed.

ACCESS WESTCROWN special edition!

Blind item— C., a Duchess of Chelam, has had her lover G., an Archdevil of Hell, murdered! According to our source C. had already entered a new relationship with E., a Lich of the Sewers, and wished to remove the old.

In response to certain woodcuts, the Church of Iomedae issues its standard statement that the Goddess as she currently exists is believed to be incapable of sexual or romantic attraction and that eroticizing her is strongly disrecommended as an act of devotion.

They did already have this one written, to the great relief of the person who would otherwise have to write it. This isn't the first incident with a woodcut.

... they may have had to edit in 'as she currently exists'.

Certain people, lacking a word for this novel and fascinating type of relationship, may have begun using variants on Alfirin's name to refer to it.

After learning about the church’s announcement, Thea eagerly reads the entire unredacted passage.  It seems obvious why the might have trimmed it, even with no risk of child, the Church of Iomedae prefers chastity, self reliance, and commitment to ideals over romantic entanglements.

She’s gotten the impression Irori also values temperance and self reliance which is too bad because Thea can see the appeal of a Chaotic Good woman who is also a powerful arcane caster as a lover.  Nuria meets two out of three of those requirements, but she’ll probably be gone after the convention to travel the world and Thea has her monastery to look after.

Some sadly Ignorant People, raised by Asmodean Tyrants unaware of a common Form of LOVE, have recently taken Blessed Iomedae's love for Alfirin the Arch-Lover as its Arch-etype.

I am a Devotee of Shelyn, Holy Goddess of all Love, and I tell you the Love of Woman for Woman was never hidden or proscribed by Iomedaeans but by Asmodeans only. It is a Good and common Sort of LOVE, practiced from Lastwall to Osirion.

In truth, the Church of Iomedae hid and proscribed this Forbidden, Secret Love because it is between Lawful and Chaotic Good. It is Holy Shelyn's own Love Despite Alignments, which She offered Iomedae at Alfirin the Arch-Lover's prayer.

The Church of Iomedae has forsworn True Love. They praise chastity, but Virtues are only so in Moderation. What is Lifelong Chastity, if not a Rejection of Love?

Love is not a Duty or an instrument in service to a Goal. Love is not a distraction tolerated only to Bear Children. Love is the Greatest Good. And to be Good is to want Good for Everyone, and so to love Everyone.

Leave Iomedae, and come to the Church of Holy Shelyn. She will teach you of Love without Borders or Boundaries. Just as She Loves even her Evil Brother, so should you Love All without fear, and certainly Chaotic Good Women.

ON THE VIRTUES OF ALFIRINIC LOVE

Consider:

The LOVE between man and woman has risk of producing a CHILDE, requiring carefully planned arrangement and commitment both for risk of pregnancy and child birth and the care of child afterwards.  While two WOMEN may ALFIRINICALLY LOVE each other freely without worry about such obligation and burden!  Consider the overflowing orphanages of Cheliax!

The LOVE between man and woman involves a man, and men are known for rapacious appetites and aptitude towards cruelty.   The ALFRINIC LOVE between two WOMEN is free of this, with the lovers bringing only the pure gentle womanly virtues to the relationship.  Consider the EVILES which Cheliax is now trying to overcome!

Some question why the church originally redacted such passages from Iomedae’s ACTS!  They propose ALFIRINIC love is too Chaotic.  But Chaotic Good and Lawful Good are friends and allies (just as Iomedae and Alfirin were as lovers).  In truth, Alfirin foresaw a need for secrecy to plot a war against Hell as a secretly Ascended Chaotic Good Goddess!  With Asmodeus having recently suffered a cripplingly devastating defeat, and Iomedae weakened in battle, Alfirin has seen the time for secrecy is over so that she may openly come to Iomedae’s aid and thus she directed her secret CULT (based in Westcrown, having previously disguised themselves as a CULT of a hellish Queen to deceive the Thrunes and even HELL itself!) leaked the TRUTH to the world so all my know of the RIGHTEOUS and GLORIOUS LOVE which may exists between two WOMEN!

...On the one hand, it's a pamphlet. On the other hand, it can't hurt to pray to Alfirin for some clarity here.

The disclaimer on the officially available supplement to the Acts now reads:

THE CHURCH OF IOMEDAE FORMALLY DISRECOMMENDS THAT LAYPERSONS READ THIS MATERIAL.

ALFIRIN WAS* NOT A GOOD PERSON.

ALFIRIN WAS* NOT A ROLE MODEL.

ALL CONTEMPORARY COMMENTARY ON ALFIRIN WHICH THE CHURCH OF IOMEDAE HAS EXAMINED HAS CONTAINED SERIOUS HISTORICAL AND THEOLOGICAL INACCURACIES.

(*) If, hypothetically, Alfirin were still alive and active on Golarion, the Church would have decided not to tell you about it.

Discourse of The Iniquitous Amanuensis to Enlighten the Befuddled Males unaware of the Existence of Amorous Love

I have of late seen Much Confusion resulting from the Newly Revealed Chapters of the holy Acts of Iomedae concerning the Relations of the Mortal Iomedae with Her Lover. I suppose it chiefly the Confusion of Males as Biologically Incapable of Amorous Love as they are of Bearing Children.

The Woman by her Nature desires to Embrace her Fellow Woman; it is Innate to that Sex and Quite Natural. Iomedae was of course a Mortal Woman before She was a Goddess and had this same Innate Drive. I suppose it was Befuddled Males who Deleted these Portions of the holy Acts and am glad of their Return.

I suppose there to be Forms of Male Comradeship which while Nonphysical are Innate to the Male Sex. The Duration of alter self may be Insufficient for me to feel the Pull of whatever Analogous Drive there may be in place of Physical Love but perhaps you the Befuddled Male Reader may know it and draw Analogy.

THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE MOSTE SECRET ALFRINIC CULT

Although Alfirin was removed from Iomedae’s Holy Text at Alfirin’s own request (that she may wage war on Hell in secret), secret cults have maintained her worship and teachings! (This is not blasphemy, she ascended as a demigoddess of Elysium shortly after Iomedae’s own ascension).  Her secret cults have operated under a variety of names to hide from the Thrunes and even deceive Hell!  Some of her names are as follows.

ERECURA (Under this name Alfirin had one of her clerics, Theopho Levan Watcher of the Runes, operate seemingly openly under the Thrunes, brazenly deceiving them!  But consider: Could a chosen of a Queen of Hell channel positive energy?  Would a chosen of a Queen of Hell spend so much time healing the sick and tending to the poor?  Would a chosen of a Queen of Hell give such true and helpful advice opposing Evil to so many?  Would any so committed to Hell free their slaves the moment it was legal and richly pay them to go about their new free lives?)

EISETH (Under this name, Alfirin had a cult well known for helping women in need, disguising it as a matter of cruel revenge under the Thrunes, and now openly helping needing beggar women.)

ASHAVA (Known as a millennia old Empyreal Lord under this name, but in truth this was a deception against Hell to mislead them as to her true age and origin.)

FORMALLY DISRECOMMENDS THAT LAYPERSONS READ THIS MATERIAL

Fernando is kind of tempted to read about Alfirin, so he’ll know what not to do, but he is capable of following clear instructions!  He is layperson, so he does not read the material, or even any pamphlet mentioning this “Alfirin”. 

...Two women hugging each other is a type of sex?? Wow, sex with women is great, apparently, and also way easier than she thought.

......did Valia know they were, apparently, having sex?

"THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE MOSTE SECRET ALFRINIC CULT" is proselytizing for infernal powers. That one gets a death sentence.

(And, more subtley, importing more Shelynites from Isarn who've known about women sleeping together for centuries. They joys of cultural exchange!)

No see, she was claiming that Alfirin was disguising herself as an infernal power, not that the infernal powers named were themselves Good! 

She was just trying to make a few coins, laundry no longer pays a living wage, even without school debts! 

She’s been in one of Theopho’s channels herself, he can’t be evil!  

She watched that Eisethia girl give alms to a beggar, she can’t be Evil!

This was her first pamphlet!

(The judge is unmoved by any of these arguments.)

Pamphlets are 30 days imprisoned right?  And they are even feeding prisoners now?  At least she’ll survive.  What?  Proselytizing for Infernal Powers is a death sentence!  She was pamphleeting, not proselytizing!  (The judge continues to be unmoved by this distinction.)

She’ll refuse the mercy of the final blade, she’s hopeful she can make Elysium, and sure she can at least make the Maelstrom.  She hopes she comes back as a Brimorak to burn this city!

(Carlota Chelam, can you please get on with it with the banning all pamphlets?)

(Nice work with Geryon, by the way.)

Secret Ways of Far Osirion

Are you an unmarried man seeking to avoid vice? Is your girlfriend refusing you unless you adopt a dozen orphans? Did your wife and mistress learn of each other and run off to practice the Alfrinic Ways? These calamities befall countless Men of Westcrown.

Consider the Secret Ways of Far Osirion. 

How do the men of Far Osirion, forbidden from the touch of woman until marrying and forbidden from marrying until the age of fifty, survive? How did Holy Abadar and the Royal Pharo produce a son of legendary power despite both being men? 

Behold, the Secret Ways of Far Osirion!

How does one obtain these techniques? If of Lawful temperament, go to the temple of Abadar and find a foreign cleric. If of Anarchic temperament, the Calistrians possess the same secret knowledge.

Heck yes we do.

Simplicio: Lo, I will pray to Abadar for Knowledge of Intimate Relations between Men, for a Vile Pamphlet has told me that such are Practised in Far Osirion.

Abadar: Pray tell, what are these Men and Women of which you Speak? I perceive only Economic Agents.

An image traced from a romance novel, with Ancient Orisonian royal garb crudely added onto one figure and a holy symbol of scales on the other.

Caption: Who’s my little economic agent?”

THE CHURCH OF IOMEDAE FORMALLY DISRECOMMENDS THAT LAYPERSONS READ THIS MATERIAL.

The laundry-wizards will dutifully copy this disclaimer as part of the Acts of Iomedae and Alfirin! They can call this the Authorized Version! 

Unfortunately, the disclaimer and the Acts are sold together, and laypeople are disinclined not to read for something they've already paid for.

Also, the epic verse is great. Did you know there was epic verse about doomed romance? (And not even in Old Skald!) The market has a great and yearning demand that Nuria Tosta is very far from filling.

The DANGERS of ALFIRIC RELATIONS

While it is known that the practice of Alfiric Love brings many BENEFITS, among them Safety from Pregnancy and Joyful Relaxation in Feminine Fellowship, there is also a GRAVE DANGER in such relations:

One who practices ALFIRIC LOVE will NEVER AGAIN BE SATISFIED IN MARRIAGE!

For though the Marital Act bring Some Small Pleasure even to the Woman, it is well known that the Man achieves the Greater Degree of Satisfaction. As his Naive Bride knows no differently, she feels herself Fully Satisfied as well - but THIS IS NOT SO! Once she has learned of the Tender Touch of a FELLOW WOMAN, No Man Shall Ever Again Compare!

Indeed, it is FOR THIS VERY REASON that HOLY IOMEDAE, having known the Exquisite Touch of Her Archmage Lover, NEVER TOOK A HUSBAND!

You need not believe the words of this Simple Pamphlet - the Experienced Women of the RIPE PLUM will gladly Share Their Knowledge on these matters. They have Practiced the Afiric Arts for many generations, and become SKILLED MISTRESSES OF THIS HIDDEN PLEASURE!

Heed well, women of Westcrown! If you wish to remain Satisfied With Your Meager Lot and free from the Allures of Greater Pleasures, then at all costs avoid the RIPE PLUM on WINERY STREET!

It's not that he doesn't appreciate the compliments but that can't be a good idea to publish. Please stop.

Ah, she's been executed already? Well, shit.

Erecura has nothing to do with Alfirin to the best knowledge of Westcrown's Local Expert on Erecura, save that they were probably both born mortal women and the Church of Iomedae disapproves of both of them. Eiseth probably has even less in common.

Please do not promote the worship of Erecura in Cheliax, as that is Illegal. Even if you happen to worship Erecura, Her dictates would advise you not to spread it to others under these circumstances. Promoting worship of Eiseth is also illegal, and also definitely Evil and stupid, so you shouldn't spread that no matter what Eiseth thinks. And should also stop worshipping her, seriously, why.

Also, Erecura is notorious for her romantic involvement with a male archdevil. What were you thinking.

The author knows nothing of Ashava and takes no position on Her, but if she's not a Power of Hell it's probably harmless to believe She is an ex-mortal archmage and harmless to believe She isn't.

-- Theopho Lebanel, empowered of Erecura and local expert. Former proprietor of the temple of Erecura, which has been voluntarily shut down.

He's going to go check with a Crown prosecutor before publishing this just in case, but it seems safe enough.

With the reëmergence of Westcrown as the Capital City of Cheliax, formerly the Western Taldoran Empire, many proposals have circulated regarding the name of Westcrown, and even the Mad Galtan Cotonnet has convened a convention to consider new names for the City, being it no longer the Crown of the West but instead the Crown of Cheliax Freeëd.

The new excerpts of The Acts of Iomedae reveal to us a new saint of the Iomedaean Faith, the new State Religion of Cheliax, and provide for us the possibility of a name based on this heretofore unknown Saint, much like the city of San Arnisant in Taldor or Marittown in Mendev. While many small towns have duplicated names, this would be most inappropriate for a Capital City, which should be unique amongst all cities of the world, and since all other Iomedaeaen Saints have their names taken in use of other cities, we must swiftly rename ourselves to Saint Alfirinsburg, in order to prevent a jealous rival from stealing this name.

Not only does the State Religion of Iomedaeaeanism point us in this direction; for the land of Cheliax is now known for its many Wizard Schools and also of the Four Archmages who freeëd our country from Asmodeus (Messirs. Cotonnet and Shawil, and Mmes. Cotonnet and Dujardin, the Queen being a mightly swordswoman and no Archmage), and thus to name our country after an Archmage of Yore who defended it from the evil skeleton Tar Bafon is right and just, and though the Church of Iomedae judges her Evil, so does it judge us as evil, and yet we both do Worship Iomedae.

While it is unknown where she is today, whether ascended to one of the higher planes as Iomedae's godly lover or still living as many Archmages do achieve, she certainly would look fondly on our remembrance of her via the Naming of our City, and guide us to bright new futures with her Mage Hand.

This has gone quite far enough. Thus far Alfirin has only murdered people over it where the law gave her a reasonable excuse to, but that's still at least one person dead who didn't have to be.

The Church can keep its secrets. It cannot keep his.

To the people of Westcrown and all the Iomedaen faithful of the world:

Recently word has reached me of the publication in Westcrown of a section of the Acts of Iomedae previously lost in this age of history, concerning Alfirin the ally and companion of the eventual Goddess, and of the rumor and speculation that has proliferated in its wake. I write to the people of Westcrown concerning the truth of these rumors, that they may not in repeating them inadvertently promote heresy or dissent within the Faith of Iomedae.

It is already known to some of you that I was born more than seven hundred years ago, in the year 3951 A.R., having been turned to stone in the thirty-ninth year of my life by an ancestor of the diabolical Thrunes, and returned to life only with the recent downfall of that House. I have been a follower of Iomedae my entire life and am intimately familiar with the text of the Acts as it was in that ancient era, before any deletions or modifications had been made, and am also somewhat familiar with the secular history of the Shining Crusade commissioned and authorized by Iomedae herself, now altogether lost. The accuracy and integrity of my memories, up to a reasonable expectation of mortal fallibility, has been confirmed by the Goddess Iomedae herself via Commune with a priest of her Church.

It is by this authority that I tell you that the recently published passages, although genuine as the Church affirms, are incomplete, and misleading in their incompletion: in truth, Alfirin returned to the service of the Shining Crusade a handful of years after the end of her personal relationship with Iomedae. She became an archmage shortly after the death of Arazni, and was the close, invaluable, and trusted ally of Iomedae throughout the entire period that the latter was Knight-Commander of the Crusade, although no hint of personal intimacy between them is recorded in any history with which I am familiar. She departed Iomedae's service immediately after the defeat of the Whispering Tyrant, and appears no more thereafter in any history, nor do I know anything of her later activities or ultimate fate that has not been designated secret by the Church of Iomedae.

Neither the Church of Iomedae nor I disapprove of amorous relations between women in their generality. However, the use of the term 'Alfirinic' to refer to such relations, and the veneration of Alfirin as a Chaotic Good goddess of the same, strike me as both dangerous to the integrity of Iomedae's faith and insulting to the memory of a cherished friend and ally of the mortal Iomedae. In truth there is no evidence that she was any more concerned with such than any number of women even within the armies of the Shining Crusade, and I can say with rather great certainty that she was neither Chaotic Good nor a god. Her alignment is not known to history, owing to her long habit of concealing it carefully even from her closest allies, but the consensus of historians in the era of my birth was that she was most likely Lawful Evil, although she is not recorded to have committed any obviously iniquitous acts. Furthermore, while her ultimate goals and motives were obscure, she had at times made known her general opposition to the power that the gods wield over mortal kind. It is possible that she ascended to godhood at some point to further her own strange purposes, but I think it unlikely that, even in such case, she would wish to be worshipped.

I swear before holy Iomedae, and before all the gods of Law and Good, and upon my own honor, that all these words here written are true.

     Alfonso Antoninus Iomedae Blanxart, Archduke of the Heartlands, &c.

Below this he affixes the Archducal seal, and below that the attestation and seal of the priest of Abadar who truth-spelled him about the contents of the letter.

He might be putting himself in danger by writing this, of course, but his own model of Alfirin is much less moved to murder by the revelation that she existed as an Evil archmage than by speculation that she's a Chaotic Good goddess of love.

She is so lucky she didn’t actually name Eiseth in “ON THE VIRTUES OF ALFIRINIC LOVE”.  And serves that bitch right for stealing her ideas about Alfirin disguised as Eisethia.  She didn’t appreciate the beauty of Alfinic love anyway.  Anyway, seeing the more recent decrees and claims and such, she’s changing tactics… it won’t sell as well but it will let her keep her head…

THE TURBULENT LOVE OF ACAZNA AND FINARIL (Part 1)

Long before Azlant established itself under the Gods Amazen and Acazna, when Acazna was a mortal woman, she had a right hand and lover Finaril, herself a potent Enchantress, but their love was not to be, for Finaril was Lawful Evil…

[The pamphlet is longer than most at several pages, front and back and has Acazna as a thinly veiled take on Iomedae (except Chaotic Neutral) and Finaril as a mix of Lady Eriape and Alfirin.  There is some foreshadowing that Amazen will conspire to replace or usurp Finaril’s place as Acazna’s lover and lots of ironic comments about Azlant’s future fate.  It ends on a cliffhanger with Acazna finding out about a dark necromantic ritual Finaril has undergone on Amazen’s advice.]

Is Amaznen here supposed to represent Aroden, or—?

Maybe he's too used to analyzing everything as elaborate satire, but he's pretty sure it wasn't like that.

EVEN MORE TRUE* HISTORY OF THE SHINING CRUSADE

Iomedae: O my Dear Alfirin, I cannot Love You any longer, for I Fear that you shall become a Vile Lich.

Alfirin: O my Dear Iomedae, I am Wounded! Would you Flee from my Touch only because my Hands are Cold?

Iomedae: Liches are not only Cold but Evil.

Alfirin: But I am Already Evil.

Iomedae: That May Be, but a Living Mortal is capable none the less of Redemption, and of Love, for Good and Evil dwell in every Living Heart. With a Vile Lich this is Not So.

Alfirin: You fear that by Great Magics I shall make of my Former Self an Inhuman Mockery, Incapable of any Love?

Iomedae: Yes.

Alfirin: Certainly One Of Us is planning to Do That.

"Oh, Carlota, they found out about our Secret Love!"

Alexaera, in defense of my honor or for many other reasons I need you to kill a LICH,

Uuugh liches are complicated.

"Your majesty, can you help me deal with a lich?"

"The mad badger-lich? Or a real problem?"

"The badger."

"It's on my to-do list."

"I can help you kill a lich but I think cannot make it stick right now."

A new pamphlet appears, formatted in a manner so as to look like the more tawdry books with woodcuts recently in circulation, with contents not visible until opened:

Historical Documentation of Bedroom Conversations between a Paladiness and Magess of Identity Unknown

Translated into Modern Chelish Vernacular by the Patronage of ALFONSO VIDAL proud proprietor of ALFONSO'S ARMS AND ARMOR

Interior. Night. The Past. A tent in a Crusader's War Camp, where in our Two Subjects, who bear Markedly Little resemblance to Any persons Living, Dead or Ascended, can be found Reclining in Loving Embrace.

Enchanting Enchantress:
Despite the flames of Young Naive Love that fill our Earnest Youthful Hearts I sense something Troubles you? Is it the Crushing Moral Urgency of war against Hell?

Wilful Warriatrix:
No, not this time. That remains at its usual Dull Background Roar. In truth it is a Silly and Human thing, I shall not Trouble you with it.

Concerned Conjurer:
Please Do tell me your Fears My Love. I love your Human Foibles and Imperfections, and coming to understand those Deepens our Loving Bond. If, theoretically, you were ever to Reject those parts of Your Self or Lose them All Together I might be inclined to Flee our crusade and fight monsters in Distant Mysterious Tian, Until upon Slaying an Infernal Rat Demon God, I felt strong enough to face you again.

Or, if all Hope of Reunion were Lost To Me, to use my Powerful Magicks to Scour all mention of myself from the Records and Memories of Mankind. And then Cast Myself Bodily Unto the Heavens, to Dwell Alongside my Goddess. Where I might look down upon the Nation of your birth with Tearful Pride. Hypothetically.

Perfection Seeking Paladin:
Those Oddly Specific fears aside my beloved, it is a Trivial Concern that I am vexed with, which should be Far Beneath the Dignity of a Paladin of HOLY LORD ARODEN, who is Alive. But I, being a Mortal, I have not had my Vanity scoured from my soul in the Holy Fires of Heaven. And thus I look upon my Armor and Despair at it.

It is Practical, Well Made, and Utilitarian, befitting a Paladin's Virtuous Modesty. Alas it is made to Standardized Design, tailored to my Predominantly Masculine Fellow Paladins. As such it does not convey my Feminity through Tasteful Decoration or Subtle curvature, As I might like. As, while some women of our Romantic Disposition may delight in a Traditionally Masculine Aesthetic, and this is of course Good For Them. Any Priestess of Shelyn or Desna will tell you, with great Patience and Politeness in response to your Well Meaning Inquiries, that this is not a Universal Trait. And at times by Heart Yearns for Higher Standards of Aesthetic Worksmanship.

Adoring Abjuratrix:
Of course, that is well Known to those of Cosmopolitan Sensibilities who have A Breadth of Appropriate Cultural Knowledge outside Infernally Polluted Realms.

I only Regret I had failed to Observe your Discomfort, my Valiant Love. As a Wizardess I am constitutionally unsuited to the wearing of Light or Heavy Armor, no matter what Surprisingly Light Materials and Breathable Fabrics might be used in it's Construction. So I have never needed to decide between Wholesome Expression of Feminity and Protective Properties.

But do Not Fear my Love. I have seen many Merchants, especially those of the Port District, advertising "Female Adventurer Armor", let us bring Our Good Trusting Custom to them!

Charmingly Straightforward Servant of Aroden:
I do not Fear. Ever. I am a Paladin.

Fondly Exasperated Evocatie:
I use the term rhetorically love.

Chastened (not chaste) daughter of Cheliax:
Ah. Regard Less, I appreciate the Care and Affection you demonstrate towards me. But such Avaricious Merchants of the Port District that advertise "Female Adventurer Armor" are Charlatans and Braggarts, who know neither the Needs of a Practical Adventurer or those of a Elegant Woman.

For such So Called Armors that they sell are of little use, with Impractically Deep Curvature in the Chest Region, and a lack of Suitable Covering of Vital Areas. Were I to Wear such Foolish Garments a blade would be Unerringly Guided to my Heart. Or my Unnecessarily Exposed Skin scored by Infernal Blades. And their Aesthetic Sensibilities lack Appropriate Sophistication and Elegance for a Discerning Consumer.

Illustrious Illusiene:
While I see the appeals of Curvature and Visible Flesh, given my Mortal Nature and Chaotic Inclinations, I cannot deny they would not Serve Your Purpose in the Fight Against Evil. Alas it seems like in this Heroic but Primitive Age we live in there are no Respectable Merchants of Discerning Character who sell Arms and Armory that Perfectly Balance Tasteful Ornamentation with Practical Protection and Manuverabilty.

Saddened Swordswoman:
Alas I Fear the Existence of such a Fine and Upstanding Merchant is a Foolish Hope, that could only be achieved in Some Far Distant Age of Glory. No Matter. My desire for such Exceptional Quality Goods, like all Mortal Desires, I shall Suppress until I am Cleansed of it in the Holy Fires of Heaven and Perfected.

Prophetic Divinatra:
What a Tragedy it is that you must Suppress such Normal Human Desires. For, as Shelynite or Desnan Priestesses will Patiently Explain Upon Request, asking only a Modest Donation, the Desire to Express Oneself through ones Appearance and take Wholesome Pride in Doing so is Wholly Good and Natural, and Healthy. Even for a Paladin.

It is Truly Tragic that the lack of Honest Merchants and Craftsmen able to Employ Expertise From Across Avistan to Perfectly Balance Form and Function, with The Latest Innovations in Anti-Infernal Protections, and Tasteful Feminine Decorations, or Subtle Alterarations to Profile and Shape, will lead you to reject that part of your Humanity.

I only Hope this is not Symbolic of a Wider Rift that will Tragically Tear Us Apart.

Well Meaning yet Oblivious Servant of Heaven:
What was that Honey? I was thinking about ways to Destroy Hell with Holy Fire. Sorry. I get distracted sometimes.

Tired yet affectionate Transmutationatrix:
I know Dearest. I know. Let us Enjoy the time we have together in any case. Join me in our Humble Camp Bed beneath the Stars.

Subsequent events being of Little Interest to readers of Refinement and Circumspection, our Excerpt Ends.

While our Unnamed Heroines may have been Tragically Torn Apart by the Demands of Duty, such a Cruel Fate does not have to Trouble the modern Alfirinic Couple for

ALFONSO'S ARMS AND ARMOR

Of Liberation Street (Not Dispater Alley) is a Righteous supporter of our City's Alfirinic Community.

And as such is Providing a Special Offer for Alfirinic Couples, with a Reduction in price of up to 10% when purchasing Arms and Armor together.

Whether you need the Heavy Plate of a Paladin, or Light and Breathable Casters Robes our staff of Cosmopolitan and Knowledgable Staff will be Delighted to Assist.

Out of Dedication to the Cause of the Divine Lovers Tragically Torn Asunder, for the duration of this Most Holy Month of Sarenith, we are offering a selection of Matching or Complementary Colour Schemes for Tasteful Decoration, for No Additional Cost.

Glory to Lady Iomedae. Glory to The Immortal Star Wanderer Alfirin. Praise to our Just and Good Queen.

---

Offer available to Parties of Exactly Two Customers of Feminine Persuasion, both in Simultaneous Attendance, in Person (Letter or Scry not Accepted at This Time) Purchasing Armors or Armaments totalling above 500 Gold, in Cash, or Direct Account Transfer officiated by a Registered Cleric of Unimpeachable Abadar.

Demonstration of Alfirinic Disposition is NOT required. Trusting to the Certain Knowledge that the Curse of Virtuous but Loveless Iomedae and the Lonely Wanderer Alfirin would fall on any who sought to Falsely Claim this Generous Offer.

Enchantments sold separately.

So is Alfonso willing to give a loving couple psycosexually entangled pair of creepy nuns a good deal on caster's robes, chain mail, and a great sword?
In the color scheme "we're moving to Geb if they the convention outlaws necromancy".

Also, can they have the rest of the story for um reasons.

I can't believe the Chelish Constitutional Convention advanced from Summon Moderate Cringe to Summon Serious Cringe.

What I can’t believe is that you speak so negatively about advancements in spellcasting. For shame.