It felt kind of out of the blue, that fight. Everything had felt fine. Mostly. Pretty much fine. He had still kinda been chafing under the constraint of not being allowed to rescue his sisters but it was kind of alright. And Zash had been uncomfortable with that and changed the subject when it came up but that was okay. And Yvette was still in retrospect kind of handling him with kid gloves because he hadn't done his think yet. And they'd been snuggling as if everything were fine even though it really wasn't fine.

Okay okay okay it wasn't okay at all he'd just been scared.

He's scared.

What is he scared of?

Is he scared that it'll turn out that Knives was a mistake, and he killed so many people, and hurt so many others, for nothing? That he's just a monster, pain and simple? That none of it was at all different from the way it was when he crashed the ships, which he did because he was a baby and traumatised and terrified and angry and hurting and then it made everything worse and he killed his mum—

Or is he scared that it was the right move, that maybe the crash didn't go as well as planned but there just isn't any way for humanity and plants to coexist? That Knives is in fact necessary? That he and the people he loves will be forever at odds, that Zash and Yvette will hate him forever for what he has to do?

...the answer is obvious, when he puts it like that.

He's scared of both things, and he doesn't want to find out the answer because whatever the answer will be it'll be terrifying. It's that simple.

But he'll be terribly wronging all three of them if he keeps putting it off.

So.

What's the question?

Should Knives exist?

Knives was literally made for the purpose of rescuing plants.

No, that's not quite right.

Knives is the person Nai becomes after decades of honing himself into a weapon and cutting out everything that's not about rescuing plants. He's the person Nai becomes after trimming the fat in his personality and habits and thoughts and feelings whenever they didn't serve the purpose of rescuing plants, while at the same time nurturing and sharpening and encouraging all of the habits that made him more effective at it.

The sacrifices included a lot of his empathy.

They included a lot of his memories.

Was it worth it?

It helped him save more plants.

Nai still exists.

Of course he does. Knives is Nai. Not all Nais are Knives but Knives still is Nai. And then, after several weeks around those two people, other feelings and thoughts and desires started to grow out again, ones that aren't about rescuing plants, or not just about that. Those growths are Nai, too, but they're not Knives, and Knives is still here, underneath them. Nai can still trim them away again, and then he'll be Knives.

Should Knives exist?

...that's a stupid question. Why does Knives exist? Why did Nai build/become him?

Because no one else would stand up for his sisters. Because not even his brother would, they themselves most certainly wouldn't, and the idea of watching all of them be fed into the all-consuming hungry maw of humanity for decades until they were all dead, and then watch humanity not even survive after that because there's no way they could survive without plants, would kill him. It's like watching a mindless beast eat all of its seed corn and then starve afterwards, except also the seed corn is sapient and loves the beast and is offering itself to the beast willingly out of love.

Someone needs to think about the seed corn.

(That metaphor got away from him a bit.)

(But it's his fault, isn't it? That humanity is consuming his sisters like it is. If they hadn't been having to fight tooth and nail for their survival they wouldn't need this, like Zash's arcology demonstrates. Yvette said as much, too.)

It doesn't matter if it's his fault. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, what matters is what he does with what he has. Maybe he shouldn't have crashed the ships, fine, but he did, and on the planet he currently lives on in the situation he's currently in that's what's happening.

Fine. So the point here is, does he still need to rescue his sisters? Is that it?

Yes. Definitionally, there's no one better than Knives that Nai could be for the sole goal of doing that, to the exclusion of all else, because he is constantly and continually working towards becoming the best Knives he can be. But Nai did and does care about other things, so why did he sharpen himself into a monomaniacal optimiser focused on this?

Because if he hadn't, his sisters would have died, and even though he also cared about other things he could not live in a world where all of his sisters were dead. Even though this is not his only goal in life, it is important enough to him that he couldn't afford to let that happen.

Because even though he did, there were other things in the world that were satisfying his other wishes. Even though he'd turned himself into a blade, Zash still existed, spreading love and hope to others. Even though he'd made himself into this creature that only aims for one thing, he still got other things anyway.

And has that changed?

...it might have. Actually.

Care to elaborate for the mental construct you're keeping in your mind as a convoluted but effective way to reason through these issues?

His sisters may not all die even if he's not Knives. Regardless of the past, of what he did, of the reckoning he might have to go through, of the searing regret he's only barely started to feel about all the pain he's caused, it may be the case that right now he doesn't need Knives anymore. Right now it may be possible for him to be himself again, to have more of his own personality and wishes and habits and pasttimes, without that causing untold death and suffering.

And how would he find out if that's the case?

He has an experiment to run.

Yvette turns out to still have bodily needs, when Nai’s gate is closed or otherwise out of reach. So carnal distractions cannot in fact go on indefinitely, at least not in these circumstances. It’s probably for the best, they likely would have been stuck there a while. Zash noticed before she did, because of course he did, but once it was pointed out to her it’s easy enough to sort out. She had enough self awareness and sense to request water before she passed out in her lover’s arms, exhausted and happy and sending [love] even as her consciousness faded.

She’s the first one to wake, but she’s in no particular hurry to get up. The prospect of leaving her bed and seeing the fate of the world outside in the wake of the twins having their proper fight is daunting enough to chase away her desire to work. And besides, Zash is comfy and snuggly and warm.

zzzzzzzzz

(His dreams aren't exactly nightmares but they're not very pleasant right now either. He's having fights with her and Nai and Morgan and Rem and Brad and Luida about extremely serious and extremely stupid things and his brain can't decide which specific combination is happening at any given time.)

(To the extent Nai is leaking through their connection, he feels... mostly alright. If she pays any attention. He's not even hiding, either.)