"This court is now in session, in the matter of In re Young. All advocates have been briefed on the decedent's lifetime of thoughts and actions and their context."

Ey turns to the new arrival. "Do you know where you are?"

He looks around. "Sorry, no idea. I was recently in my lab in Lady Rasdovain's estate when it caught fire, and I presumably died there. Is this Hell? Someone mentioned Hell."

The devil looks mildly amused.

"You are in the Boneyard, the domain of Pharasma, where dead souls, also known as petitioners, such as yourself are tried and sorted. Each soul is entitled to a trial, where it is determined what afterlife corresponds to their actions and choices while living. You are permitted to speak at your trial. Do you perceive us as speaking in a language you understand, using words that you are familiar with, at a speaking speed you can follow?"

"I perceive you as speaking English with Avistani loanwords. I wasn't aware of the existence of multiple afterlives. Who or what is Pharasma?"

"We'll get to that. Do you understand that you had, while alive, the capacity to take actions, and that those actions had effects on the world and on other people?"

"Yes." He spent rather a lot of time trying to do that, actually.

"Do you understand that the purpose of this court is to determine your alignment and which afterlife you are assigned to?"

"I don't understand what is meant by alignment in this context or what afterlives there are, but I did understand your previous statement that this court is for determining which afterlife my actions and choices are associated with."

Well, he's doing better than a lot of petitioners. Pretty much entirely due to the eternal influx of babies, but still.

"Acknowledged. We will now explain alignments and afterlives. Alignment is a quality of the soul. It consists of moral and systemic alignment, two axes in which one may be neutral or at either extreme. Systemic alignment is the Law-Chaos axis. Law is associated with honor, obedience, and rigidity, while Chaos is associated with freedom, flexibility, and impulsivity. Moral alignment is the Good-Evil axis. Good is associated with altruism, while Evil is associated with causing harm to others. For each possible value pair, there exists an afterlife, all of which have representatives here today who can explain them. Devil, the petitioner's auto-assessment was for Lawful Evil, so you go first. If your statement does not cover the most common objections to Hell, I will do so for you."

Wait, why is the auto-assessment for him Lawful Evil? He doesn't remember causing much harm to others.

"Thank you, your honor. Hell is essentially unified under the rule of Asmodeus, god of contracts, pride, slavery, and tyranny. The most common objection to Hell is that we torture people. However, there are some goals that can't be fulfilled any other way" such as Asmodeus's desire to torture people "and some people for whom that isn't such a cost." And a bit of perversity doesn't mean it would be tolerable for you, but you don't need to know that. "Furthermore, while those who currently enter Hell will have time to find their proper place there, Hell anticipates taking over other afterlife planes, and such a change of governance and focus is naturally opposed by their current representatives and those who went to those intentionally."

The judge gestures for the Axis representative to speak, and a winged plastic sphere with arms and a lens puts down eir paperwork and becomes more visible.

At which point the imp, who has not been particularly trained in the art of detailed perception of the textures of small objects in shadow at a distance from himself, blinks. "Objection, your honor. I understand that this court system is very busy, but I have no records of us having established that the petitioner will definitely not be resurrected."

"Your honor, Axis makes no claim that the petitioner will definitely not be resurrected. Rather, if my Infernal counterpart is concerned about my composition, the record will show that Young has personally interacted with injection-molded plastic goods on many occasions."

"That's persuasive. You may resume explaining Axis."

"Thank you, your honor. Axis is the Lawful Neutral afterlife plane. While many gods are present in Axis who are not subordinate to each other, Abadar, god of cities, law, trade, and wealth, operates the largest region in Axis, as well as the one most welcoming to typical new arrivals. For people who lived lives of alternating work and leisure in urban environments, such as yourself, Axis essentially offers the-same-but-better: more harmony, more variety of legal systems that all contain areas that are safe and prosperous, more wealth, et cetera. Axis is typically criticized for encouraging stagnancy – petitioners typically remain quite similar to themselves in life or choose to be modified into axiomites who are subsequently unlikely to experience significant personal change – and for providing few opportunities to pursue outside-Axis goals aside from the promotion of impartial Law. Additionally, Axis has fewer wilderness-like environments than any other populated Outer Plane."

With some reluctance, the judge indicates that the daemon may speak.

"Abaddon is designated as the Neutral Evil afterlife plane. It's not torture-oriented, and it's dark and quiet and offers the only true rest. Nirvana, which sees itself as fighting for the interests of petitioners, will typically lobby that definitely-evil petitioners be found Neutral Evil, which they consider more merciful. We have a lot of immortality researchers, you'd fit right in. The most common criticism of Abaddon is that we eat souls, but that seems unlikely to happen in your case."

"And I will summarize the Boneyard, the Neutral afterlife. The Boneyard is Pharasma's domain. It offers the opportunity to develop other alignments and move beyond it, or become a psychopomp like myself in Pharasma's service, judging souls, fighting undead, guarding souls as they arrive here, et cetera. The most serious issue with the Boneyard is that we get a constant massive influx of babies, who typically grow up with inadequate attention. If you are found True Neutral, you will be strongly encouraged towards a childcare-related path, regardless of whether you wish to become a psychopomp or develop a non-neutral alignment."

"Heaven may now speak."

"Thank you, your honor. Heaven is the Lawful Good afterlife. We encourage petitioners to train as archons or angels so that they can contribute to our efforts against Evil, primarily in the form of large atrocity-oriented organizations such as Hell. We're the most militarized of the Good planes due to our higher levels of organization. We're most commonly criticized for not encouraging rest from the burdens of mortality the way that Axis and Nirvana do. This is fair, but we do have some opportunities for rest, and some limited programs for migration to and from Axis and Nirvana which we are looking to expand. It is our sincere belief that, if you had as much time as you wished to study reliable sources regarding the afterlives, you would most likely prefer to be in one of the Good afterlives."

The nosoi gestures for the Abyss representative to speak.

The Abyss representative continues snoring.

"Demon representative, explain the Abyss."

This is a really nice place to rest. Sometimes people are talking, but that's not a problem.