'There's a few ways to look at it, yeah, and I'm sure there's more than one good way to answer the question even in the way that gets an answer.'

'I can tell you about how I do it, if you think that would help.'

"I...

"Want it to help.  Am worried that it - somehow won't, that I'll - be stubborn - that my brain won't - let me really consider, only dismiss -"

The anxious clickety-clack of various fidgety things she has intensifies.

"Hmm."

'What would it mean, if it were true? Other than the obvious.'

"You will probably need to be a bit more specific.  I get less ambiguity-tolerant in the way materials get less fault-tolerant when I'm this stressy."

Pet pet think think type type.

'It could mean (it might mean more than one of these but they're probably not all problems you're getting stuck on):

- that someone or something you care about treated you worse than they should have, e.g. hurting you, giving someone else good things instead of you, not taking you seriously, lying to you, etc, and you have to confront them or cut ties, or face that they aren't living up to you image of them, or consider that they might have been wrong in other ways, or do something else that you don't want to do

- that it's actually okay for you to have something you've been denied (by circumstances or others or yourself), and having being denied it hurts more to think about if it was unjust

- that the world is less just than you thought in general

- that you can be treated unjustly, and are more vulnerable than you thought you were

- that someone or some principle that you've been trusting for advice is wrong sometimes, and now you don't have a source of advice that you can trust and you have to face that there's no way to be sure you aren't wrong about things

- that you've made some mistake in how you've arranged your life, and will have to make fundamental changes to how it works, and you don't know how to do that without making the same kind of mistake again or otherwise find it scary

- that two of your values are more in conflict than you thought they were, e.g. if it's okay for you to have a life that's good for you, you want both that and to fix the universe, and it hurts to compromise on either of those to get the other

- probably more'

She passes the datapad over and goes back to petting Diana's hair.

"mmm..."

Tappita tappita go her hands upon the datapad - 'Some of those are definitely probably problems I'm having but - I need to know what "it" is?  And kind of, don't?'

"Oh." Hair-kiss. 'I meant what would it mean if you did deserve - or just get to have, without worrying about deserving - the kind of loyalty a servant droid gives, or more generally whatever nice things life sends your way.'

'aaaaaAAAAAaaahhh.  aaah?  aaaah.  aaaaaaaaaaah.  i.  think that if this is.  something?  it's the last item.  or maybe the more-unjust universe.'

Pet pet pet pet pet.

'Okay. Figuring out how to deal with conflicting values is a good skill to have anyway, maybe you can work on that and come back to the question of whether you can have good things later.'

'aaah.'

'but - values shouldn't - i mean there's always going to be time but - they shouldn't have to - get in fights - and i'm not sure how much of this is the - example being what it is - because i do get myself nice things sometimes there's a shelf full of "romance" novels - but - aaah? - probably should uh, hold off on thinking about deserving, really.  i do not have the framework for it.  or i do but my framework says no-one can possibly deserve something like that, only be given it, unearned, and - i think there's something that follows from or builds upon that that my brain is refusing to let me contemplate -'

Snuggle.

'It's all right. You don't have to worry about any of it right now.'

'aaaa.  but that's wrong, because something is wrong in my head and i don't know what it is!  That's - dangerous!  To - everything I do!  Need to pin this down enough that I - know what it is so maybe I can fix it - you can't work from bad information and build a correct thing except by accident and I can't have accidents because then I -'

Ah.  There's the thing.

The part of Diana that's thinking about her thinking, instead of just thinking, is surprised she isn't surprised by her fears.

Then again, it makes sense, the way it's not an actual incompatibility in her beliefs, for her to wish for everyone to live as long as they like and still expect to die before the work is done.  It's a long, hard way away from the present, that sort of thing.  And she's had a lot of her façades torn away, recently - and - that's not what she's looking for.

"kriff, i'm a disaster on top of a mess wrapped around faulty blueprints.  don't know why you - kriff, no.  not feeding that."

" ."

'there's something my mouth wants to say but i'm missing the words to say it -' and words sound out again -

"...not what I was-am straining for, but...Love you.  You're...good.  And maybe that's a related thought to whatever it is that I can't think, because - I've never been, enough, but...picking into that, can kriffing wait a little while."

And the snuggles resume, because Diana is so very done with her emotional rollercoaster and would like more snuggles, please.

As many snuggles as she'd like, yes.

Then there will be very much snuggling.

"...wanna read something?"

'Sounds good. Poetry, or?'

'something light - as in weight, not necessarily as in side of the Force, eh?  just trying to - avoid riding that rollercoaster again.  needed to do it, but it sucked, y'know?'

"Yeah." Squeeze.

She has a poetry collection for that; she navigates to it on the datapad and hands it back over. "Or Daisy," she adds.

'think I'd like that, just...listening.'

Pet pet forehead-kiss. 'I'll be right back, then.'

She goes and gets Daisy, and there can be snuggles and poetry until dinner.

That's exactly what Diana needs, right now.  Soft cuddling, gentle distractions, and warm, filling food.

She thanks Daisy, for the reading.  "You really have a deft command of the vocabulator.  It's beautiful."

"Thank you, ma'am."

It's subtle, but her body language is a little warmer toward Diana now; less formal, more expressive, just by a fraction.

Diana smiles softly back.

    "Lord Pradnakt wants to know if you need to meditate or anything before bed, ma'am."

"I...hmmm.  Need to?  Maybe.  Want to?  I'm rather unsure.  Let me busy my hands for a bit and we'll see how I feel afterwards."

And Diana, her presence a bit more solid, now, sweeps up the plates and such, to clean and put away.

Really, this is meditative, for her; she's not doing it because she derives intrinsic value from the task at hand.  Still, it gives her...space to think, without mandating that thinking be done.

Will meditation help her, if she does it right now?  She's unsure, and that's the weird part.