"I don't know why you're interested in me, I have never done anything illegal in my life," he says automatically.

"No one who is suitable to be my cleric would admit to committing crimes. Pure as the driven snow, the lot of you."

"Wei-xiong* pressured me into helping him steal lotus seeds, I'm not exactly a criminal mastermind."

*honorific for a friend

"No, you're not a criminal mastermind, you're the spoiled second son of one of the most powerful clans in the jianghu. I cleric on potential."

"I DON'T HAVE POTENTIAL FOR ANYTHING!" he says, immediately breaking into tears.

"See? Trying to emotionally manipulate a god. You've mastered it already."

Nie Huaisang sobs.

"So I was hanging around Axis-- mm, I should back up a little bit, yes? So I snatched you into the world of Golarion, where all beings are divided into nine categories along two axes--"

"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO GOLARION!"

"Tough. I'm Neutral Evil, not Neutral A Nice Person. --As I was saying, nine categories, two axes. Evil is being out for yourself. Good is being a priggish little bitch who's too prissy to get their hands dirty. Law is rules and order and systems, Chaos is freedom and disobedience and structurelessness, and caring about either of them too much is stupid because then you might decide to be Lawful or Chaotic instead of rich."

Sob.

"Anyway, I was hanging around Axis, the Lawful Neutral afterlife, because I'm allowed there, because they can't prove I've done any crimes and they can't punish me unless I've broken the rules. This is how being Lawful makes you stupid, incidentally. So I overheard something about a bunch of gods working together to grab people from your world because you have special powers to kill Chaotic Evil outsiders-- it's not really overhearing, it's a godthing too complicated for your puny human minds to understand, but 'overhearing' is close enough for government work-- and then I decided to take advantage and see if there was anyone I wanted to grab. And there you are!"

"Oh, I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know--"

"Very strange," Norgorber says politely, "how someone with hands as dexterous as yours and feet as fleet as yours somehow loses all his physical abilities as soon as it comes time to pick up a saber. And very strange how everyone in the Nie family qi deviates, and at such young ages too. I don't think a Nie has ever cultivated to immortality. Odd, for such a illustrious family. I wonder what you'd find, if you looked at everyone who had cultivated the saber... Would they all, I wonder, die young?"

"You were wasted as a cultivator."

"I want to be wasted."

"And that's why I like you. --You're True Neutral. You can only keep the little abilities I'll give you to help you on your way if you stay within one step of me, so True Neutral, Neutral Evil, Lawful Evil, Chaotic Evil..."

"Are you going to tell me what those abilities are?"

"Ignorance is a spur to creativity. --You go to an afterlife based on your alignment. True Neutral is the Boneyard, which is solid. They let you go to any afterlife from there so you get some time to consider your options. For you, I'd suggest staying True Neutral. Neutral Evil or Chaotic Evil are good if you're definitely going to wind up on the top of the heap but they suck if you're on the bottom, which most people are; Neutral Evil kills the weak straight out, Chaotic Evil is more likely to torture them, which one you prefer is a personal choice. Lawful Evil is great if you negotiate a good contract and get to be the one doing the torturing and having the slaves instead of the one who is spending eternity as a paving stone, but the contract devils have been negotiating things for thousands of years longer than you have and they're better at it than you are. Still, always an honor to Me when one of my guys gets a good deal. Lawful Neutral versus Chaotic Neutral is another personal choice, but I personally recommend Lawful Neutral for you, you like luxury and don't strike me as the sort of person who wants to turn into an eldritch horror. The Good afterlives are all terrible because you have to be around Good people for eternity, I would rather be devoured to be quite frank, but Neutral Good is worth a special mention. They petition for every soul no matter how strained their argument is, and sometimes people who are definitely my guys wind up there. It's better company because you have other Evil people there to take the edge off, and it's always great to con Good Itself into getting you a nice afterlife."

"I'M GOING TO STAY HERE UNTIL I DIE?"

"Also, because you're my cleric, you read Evil to Detect Evil. You might want to think of an explanation for that!"

And then six teenagers land on a mountain. 

There is a being and it doesn't have thoughts. It is intermittently aware that one had things like "a name" and "a family" and "a location in space," but this knowledge has been swept away by the inexpressible burning agony. It once, it thought, had preferences, but now it has no preference other than not being hurt. 

This is the worst hangover he's ever had. Why is there screaming.