He looks up. "You... stole an entire ship of cargo, when you were human?"

"I maintain that if they didn't want the guard they hired stealing their cargo, maybe they should have considered not being slavers." 

"Damn right. --How'd you do it?"

WELL. You see. It started when he took a job from a sketchy-looking man in an Absalom port pub, as one does... 

Wei Wuxian laughs at all the right bits. 

"One time, the biggest cultivator clan in China, the Wen clan, tried to make all the disciples of the other clans attend an indoctrination session and they kept making us read this annoying book about the wise sayings of the Wen clan? The Wen heir kept hanging around the back waiting for us to weaken the monsters and then he killed them and took the credit? And eventually I got fed up and I was like 'you know, a cultivator has courage in every deed' and Wen Chao was like 'who said some idiotic bullshit like that?' and I was like 'the wise ones of the Wen Clan. Look, it's right here in the book.' And then I got beaten bloody but it was worth it, you know."

"Oh, absolutely worth it, the look on his face must've been incredible-- you know, speaking of wise sayings of clan elders there was this time with the accidental smuggling ring--" 

Oh, does Cayden Cailean want to hear about Wei Wuxian's favorite shenanigan with Jiang Cheng, it all happened when the Nie clan was in town for a night-hunt--

It concludes: "and then Madame Yu thought I was at fault for all of it and I got whipped fourteen times and Jiang Cheng got away scot-free."

He would love to hear about Wei Wuxian's favorite shenanigans with Jiang Cheng, and is of the opinion that taking the blame for your co-conspirators is not only fair game but the honorable move. 

"And of course there's the time I ascended, but that's a difficult story to tell, seeing as how I was so drunk at the time I don't remember it--" 

"Oh my god what."

"Some friends and I were out drinking in Absalom-- same friends as the time with the smuggling ring-- and one of them said, 'Cayden, you know what'd be incredible, is if you went for the Starstone,' and I said 'that's stupid' and he said 'I dare you to do it' and the next three days are a blacked-out blur but, well, come three days later I was a god, and no one knew how myself included." 

The barbarian lands have an artifact you can use that lets you ascend to godhood????

"How does the Starstone work. Can I look at it? Are there books about how it was created?"

MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE

"That I cannot answer, seeing as how four people have ever seen it, and one doesn't remember and the other three won't say for love or money. Probably you can find out in the process of being my pick to pull to the world of Golarion in order to fix the Worldwound, which, incidentally, you are." 

If Wei Wuxian had thought about it, he would have realized that going to Golarion to close the Worldwound would probably interfere with killing Wen-dogs.

But Wei Wuxian has never thought through anything in his life, and there's a new world (!) with new magic (!!) and an artifact that lets you ascend to godhood (!!!) which is really interfering with his limited ability to think about the consequences of his actions.

"Badass. Drop me there, I'll summon up a fierce-corpse army, and your Worldwound problem'll be solved in a week. Ten days tops."

"Please don't do necromancy, it's bullshit but necromancy is Evil."

"What the fuck does that mean."

"Right! So, in Golarion there is-- a very powerful deity named Pharasma who thinks that all things need to be sorted on the axes Good versus Evil and Law versus Chaos-- if you add in Neutral on both axes that gets you nine buckets. Law is following rules, doing what you're told, obeying those higher than you in the hierarchy and commanding those lower than you. Chaos is freedom, doing your own thing, not treating anyone as better or worse than you unless they've earned it fair and square. Good is helping people, keeping people alive, making people happy and joyful, all that kind of thing. Evil is hurting people or being cruel or exploiting people or oppressing them, for gain or because someone told you to or because you think it's funny."

"That is far from the weirdest thing I have heard of a god being into."

He laughs. "I am Chaotic Good. This creates a little problem, because you are Chaotic Evil."

Wei Wuxian thinks about this. "...honestly, fair enough."

"I would like to drop some cleric levels on you-- cleric levels mean that I like you and I think if you get more cool magic powers you'll do more things I like. Nethys would too if you like him better-- he's True Neutral, he's the god of knowledge and magic and secrets. But the gods have agreed that we can only take clerics if they're within one step of us on the Pharasma scale, so I can't do it with you."

"...and if I do that I'll get nifty magic powers?"

"Yep."

No one has ever provided Wei Wuxian this persuasive of an argument for doing what he's supposed to before. 

"And all I have to do is not summon zombie armies?"

"Ideally you would also stop torturing people."