"The handlers gave them to me. --Does it count as illegal drug use if the government gave it to you?"

She actually doesn't know what to say. He's accusing his current boss of giving him steroids? Or a previous one gave a child steroids? "If there's no prescription it is still illegal, yes. Just to reiterate, we also won't prosecute anyone else based on what you tell us in this context unless they're a threat to national security."

"Yeah, then, steroids. For increased muscle mass."

"Alright. Literally all the drug categories. You marked that you intend to continue using all of them as necessary for operations as a condition of employment. That is normal enough for undercover cops." It is literally the standard phrase, but, she knew he was coached. She confirms the several extra pages, since most people use a somewhat more reasonable quantity of drugs. "Nobody's ever advised you to seek counselling for your illegal drug use, which is good. Never sought counselling on your own."

More pages. "no alcohol abuse problems."

More pages "No prior clearance application."

More pages "No bankruptcy or financial problems from gambling, right?"

"If I decided I wanted to gamble the government would give me as much money as I wanted to do it with."

She smiles and decides not to argue. If there's a vice he doesn't engage in already, she'll be thankful for small mercies and move on. "You've paid all your taxes on time, never wrongly used an employer's credit card, no trouble with debts" More pages go by. And, of course, she has to stop. "Could you confirm the hacking incident for me?"

"Oh, yeah, that was great."

"Date, description, location, and consequences, please."

He gives a date and "Haswell, Colorado, I put ransomware on the NSA's computers and the consequence was that it was incredibly funny."

Right. She's heard they have honeypots to get recruits for TAO(1). That's normal, she's read about teenage hackers. "Alright. Any other incidents you want to disclose here?"

1: Tailored Access Operations, the NSA folks who actually get to break into the databases of other governments. 

He seems to have spent his last year and a half at Haswell trying to figure out how to get into every computer system he shouldn't have.

"Right, I've included the specifics as notes, and grouped them all together. I just need to note which ones involved illegal access, which ones involved modification or damage, and I am going to assume that in all of them you 'introduced, removed, or used hardware, software, or media in connection with any information technology system without authorization, when specifically prohibited by rules, procedures, guidelines, or regulations or attempted any of the above', since I understand that that is fairly standard practice, but it does get recorded separately on the form." The original draft did not have this, likely because he was apparently never punished for any of this, but she prefers to get everything down if possible.

He stole Meng Yao's boyfriend's nudes and posted them on the Haswell Discord server! This was incredibly funny.  

He has to pass. He has to pass. "Now, you've never been part of an organization dedicated to terrorism, or engaged in acts of such, or an organization that advocated the violent overthrow of the US government, or advocated for such, right?" She's so close to being done.

"I exclusively spread terror freelance."

"Right, but have you engaged in" and she glances back down at the form to read it off carefully, but smoothly "any criminal acts that involve violence or are dangerous to human life and appear to be intended to intimidate or coerce a civilian population to influence the policy of a government by intimidation or coercion, or to affect the conduct of a government by mass destruction, assassination or kidnapping"?

"Only professionally."

"And the dates for that?"

Three times in his last year at Haswell!

"And I'm assuming that the motivation was all that it was directed by a government employer?"

"My motivation was candy. And getting to suck Meng Yao's dick."

"Did you have any other motivation that you would rather put down on the form to reassure people that you are unlikely to do it in the future while not under the direction of a government employer?" The sexual relationship with Xue Yang's de facto foster father is going to take a moment to process, but she can keep on going.

"No."

Sometimes the forms are a little silly, but most people know how to go along, and sometimes they need a little prompting. She almost never has to deal with this, and usually she's more sympathetic to someone who's overly honest (and therefore unfit for keeping secrets, but not in a way that is their fault, really). But screw it, she's done. She pushes some paper across. "Alright then, I'll just need your signature here, here, and here. Do you want me to explain the remaining forms?" General information release, health information release, and credit history information release.

"That sounds boring."