:...yeah. And I think - with Mhalir I couldn't hide anything? So there wasn't - maybe he was going to judge me for being silly, maybe he wasn't, but I couldn't just not let him notice. I don't know if I liked that but it definitely...created closeness.:

:- Does it matter? Whether or not I judge you for your feelings? I - feel as though the effects on our strategic goals are mostly going to be separate from my judgement and happening anyway, and - I would not let judgemental feelings get in the way of our goals even if I were tempted to. Which I do not foresee myself being: 

:...it matters to me. Because I don't want you to think I'm - immature or pathetic or not worth respecting or not worth - being nice to in case it helps me develop as your ally -:

:I am quite sure that it is worth being nice to you just in order to have a good working relationship! I...still think I do not quite understand the rest:

:Well, would it make you sad if I didn't respect you as a person?:

:- I think that I am still having trouble unpacking what you mean by that? It - is not specific enough for me to say for sure whether I would be upset - if you were accurately downgrading your assessment of my skills that seems positive for our ability to achieve goals together, if you were inaccurately doing so that seems bad but mostly for strategic reasons...: 

:...I don't mean that. I mean. If I just decided that you were ...boring and annoying.: She is no longer at all sure this is a productive way to attempt an explanation.

:I suppose that would be inconvenient for our working relationship and I would want to try to address it?: 

He pauses. Then squeezes her a little. :...I do not think you are boring or annoying, and - it seems unlikely any feelings you would have would change that... Also even if I did it would not automatically mean I thought you were immature or not worth respecting or - whatever 'pathetic' even cashes out into, I think I am still confused about that as well...: 

:...I guess it's all kind of stupid, really. But I imagine - that everything could look exactly like this, except in your head at some point you give up on me being a useful ally, and then you just kind of wish someone better was along, or that no one was, and then everything I do is kind of stupid and irritating, and that seems kind of sad. And then I imagine - that happening, while I in my head think you really like me and think I'm very special, and that is....really unbearable? I know that nothing bad would actually happen. I know it's not really very important. But when I think about what is most important to me from an interpersonal relationship, it's that it's not that.:

:...I think it would be quite bad of me, as your ally, to - not tell you if I had doubts about your usefulness on this mission? That would seem deeply unfair to you: 

:...most people aren't as nice as you, and would be very unfair to me if it was more convenient for them.:

:Well. I am not most people. And - I think it would not be convenient for me, to - have to lie to you about anything, really? It would just be...extra cognitive overhead, I do not want to add any more of that. And...I care about you and I - I am not sure if I trust you fully, yet, but that is a high bar, and I want to get there?: 

:Yeah.

I think it would also hurt a lot if I thought things were nice and then learned that actually they weren't, even if you told me straightforwardly immediately.:

:That seems reasonable? It - is a negative update, if your situations worsens, or if you find out that the world is worse than you thought. I am not concealing anything of that nature from you currently, though - you can read my mind about it if that would help...?: 

- headshake. :I trust you. I just....because this would make me sad if it happened, I'm investing lots of energy in not - getting too attached or needing you to like me. Because those are tendencies I have, I guess, probably just the same as everybody but it doesn't help that Leareth and Carissa are apparently happily married...:

- Wow, this is apparently VERY UPSETTING and Ma'ar is baffled as to why. 

:I - really do not want you to feel you have to invest effort in not being attached! That does not seem like the correct allocation of effort in this situation, and I - I...: What is the thing he means, here, he's not sure he has any idea. :...I think I feel somewhat attached to you, anyway?: 

She is going to not have feelings about that, that wouldn't help anything.

:It seems like it is much less stupid for you to get attached to me than vice versa!:

:Why?:

:...I guess I hadn't actually examined this in a lot of detail, I was thinking because - there's such an asymmetry in how much we can hurt each other - but I hurt Mhalir very badly - it still seems like you clearly obviously have whatever you want from me, so it's not pathetic to want things, but I guess you're a Mhalir and tend to want complicated things you can't just tell people to give you.:

Also telling her to give him what he wants would require having a clear concept of what that is and words to describe it, but delving into his confusion around that whole area doesn't seem productive right now. 

:- I think I want complicated things, yes. And - I expect there are ways you could hurt me quite a lot. I do not predict that you will, or else I would not be working closely with you on this, but...that is much of why it would hurt, right? If I did not see it coming?: 

:Yeah. That's why - it's dangerous to care about people, or trust them. Because they can hurt you. I was imagining if you had enough magic you didn't need to worry about that but - I guess that's not really true.:

:I mean, I am not very worried you could hurt me physically even if I relax around you, it helps with that. But...yes. Trusting people is - terrifying, and...I do not think I am very good at it: 

:...yeah. That's - pretty much it for me too. The bit of it that's not about wanting to not feel stupid.:

Ma'ar is quiet for a moment, then exhales heavily, leaning his head against her shoulder. :Perhaps we can try to figure it out together. ...I am not sure how Leareth does it. The trusting people. I - feel jealous about it, sometimes, even though that is quite pointless: 

:...I think probably for the other Carissa it's mostly that she trusts Iomedae and Iomedae told her to love Leareth.: