:- Yes. Probably. Unless someone resurrects me with Golarion magic first, I suppose: 

She wonders, inanely, how other Carissa feels about that, whether she in fact worries for Pexa - maybe she doesn't really mind, since she should be able to resurrect Leareth anyway unless something really goes wrong -

:And...now that you have allies that's ...more distressing than it was?:

:- It was already very distressing! I - had four different immortality method backups - apparently this is the only one that survived the Cataclysm, in Leareth's timeline...: 

A pause. 

:Leareth does not even have his anymore. His link to it was destroyed in an assassination attempt by the Star-Eyed Goddess from his Velgarth. He...seems fine about it, now - I suppose that even if he was upset it happened a long time ago...: 

:And Golarion magic has less inconvenient options, I think, at least as a first line of defense...: Why are all of the things she is saying so dumb and irrelevant.  What would Mhalir want to hear, here -

:it's not - I don't think you made a mistake?:

:- I also do not really think that I made a mistake? I - am not sure - it all feels very confusing and uncertain... But I think it was for the better, in the end, that Leareth was still around two thousand years later in his Velgarth, and - it is my same decision process that led to that...

...the world is very terrible, is all, and I - I wish very much that it were less so - I know that is a pointless emotion to have...: 

:I think maybe most emotions are pointless to have but - I'm glad that you were sad about Hell, and maybe it's related.:

For some reason Ma'ar can't stop shaking.

(...It's less that those pathways are closed entirely, and more that every time he tries, some other not-very-verbally-coherent part of his mind starts trying to yell that this is happening for a reason...) 

:I think it - makes sense to hurt, about things that are very bad: he manages finally. :Or - at least to notice that it would hurt, before you go on to take all the correct actions all the same - I think I am not as skilled at that thing as Leareth is -:

:Well, he's had more practice, hasn't he, you and Mhalir are still pretty young and he and Aroden are - they've been doing it for thousands of years -:

:Yes. I know: 

Another long pause. 

:...Do - you think - that there is anything they are missing because they - are experienced at knowing how to make it not hurt...: 

:I think they shouldn't destroy Hell. But I don't know if that ...counts. I think - it feels more possible to convince you or Mhalir than - Leareth, or Aroden...but - but that makes sense, right, you'd expect that even if they weren't making any mistakes...:

:...Maybe. But - it also feels important that - you should have someone who is willing to listen - willing to update based on your arguments - if you do not have that then it seems as though something is deeply wrong, and - 

- and, gods, I - think I want you to convince me of that...it would be a better world to exist in...: 

:I assume if I had a good argument Mhalir could've gotten it. ...though he never really understood Alloran. Maybe there's a difference between being able to see everything in someone's head and being able to tell what they'd believe if they tried really hard to articulate it? I don't know. I think .... I think being a devil is pretty good? And it's not worth killing a lot of devils to stop people turning into them whatever the transformation is like....in some of the other afterlives you turn into an outsider, too, and if you could kill everyone in the Maelstrom and make people sorted into the Maelstrom stop turning into chaos beasts that'd be a bad thing to do. And I think the torture kind of just confounds things, it doesn't really - I don't think it's worth trading much of anything to prevent torture...:

:...I think torture is still a - should still be considered a....: 

He trails off. 

:What aspect of Alloran did Mhalir never understand. That - seems maybe the most important: 

:...yeah. I think - I think until Alloran tried to explain himself to me Mhalir didn't notice how much - how much better Alloran's best arguments were than the thing he was thinking at Mhalir all the time which was that he wanted him to die very painfully? I think he was trying to adjust for that but it's easier to try to adjust for something than to actually have successfully done it...:

:Yes, I - am aware of the latter thing... Why did Alloran end up - trying to explain himself to you...?:

:I asked Mhalir to let him. When I was trying to figure out - I think ostensibly I was trying to figure out if I wanted to help the Yeerks? Only it didn't really matter what I decided, so I was kind of just trying to learn how I was supposed to think about helping the Yeerks, except Mhalir was also trying to use me as an external perspective on things...:

:That sounds very confusing and difficult for you. ...And for Mhalir too, honestly, he - must have felt so confused and unmoored...: Ma'ar is remembering how he felt, in the frantic day leading up to Carissa and Mhalir approximately-kidnapping him and helping him end the war with Urtho. 

:I think he was really miserable. I was - scared but I didn't care about anything other than myself and the worst case scenario for me was pretty clearly just that he'd put a Yeerk in me and have me make him magic items? So it felt - like, I wanted better than that, but it felt like I could take it, whatever it ended up being...:

:I believe you. That - you could have taken it, whatever it ended up being, you are very - adaptable...: 

This feels a long way off from the core of the thing that hurts, right now, and Ma'ar isn't sure how to cut through to -

:- I do not think I can do this alone: Again, he surprises himself when the words slip out. 

:I figured you had me along because it'd help.: Sometimes when it seemed like the best antidote to feelings she imagines he brought her along entirely for sex and considers her otherwise a minor annoyance but it's not actually her best guess about reality.

:I mean, yes, but - also because I thought that perhaps I could help you become stronger, help you to - achieve the things that you care about -:

:...I know. And I'm grateful. I'll - try not to make you do everything alone. I - 

- it's so much easier with Mhalir because he can read my mind all the time, I'm sorry, I'm not used to having an ally who can't -:

:- Do you - actually prefer that? With Mhalir? ...I could read your mind more, if you wanted, but - I am not sure it would help with the real challenge here...: 

:..I don't know? But I'm not used to - uh, having to communicate. I guess. Sounds pretty stupid when I say it like that.:

:...Communicating is hard: