"Maybe."

Vanyel shifts his weight, sort of uncomfortably. "I mean, I - don't think I could - be Leareth, do what he's done. Going on and on alone for centuries. I don't know how he's done it at all." 

"Well, maybe he started out doing other stuff, and came to this only because the gods kept wrecking his other stuff."

"Honestly if the gods kept wrecking my stuff like that I think I'd just give up and die and leave it to someone else." Vanyel's voice is surprisingly bitter. 

"But then you'd be - dead. And not even get an afterlife."

Another shrug. "I - don't expect an afterlife to. Actually be any better. Than this." 

"Do you....not like existing?"

"....Not really, no. I - there are things I have to do, I - have duties - but I, I don't, not since..." 

He trails off incoherently, again sounding like someone on the edge of tears. 

" - wow."

Vanyel doesn't think of anything to say. For a somewhat awkwardly long time. 

Carissa has no idea what to say! Her opinion is that it is pretty damning about Valdemar if the people in it don't even want to continue existing, but it would obviously be unproductive to say that. Leareth explained that Vanyel was injured in some fashion by the death of a ...lover? She can't think why that would make you want to not exist, though.

Vanyel finally tries to collect himself. "I - sorry - um, I'm - not giving a good representation of Heralds, am I. Most Heralds - don't feel like that about it. Being a Herald is - fine, lots about it is really good, it's not terrible..." 

"Liss said they - really overwork you -"

"That's more mages, not all Heralds in general. Savil - I think she just likes working more than other things, honestly. And I - I might as well work, the only thing I'd be doing otherwise is being stupidly sad." 

"That seems wrong but I don't know enough to dispute it."

Vanyel blinks. "...Huh. That - seems like something I want to try to understand, though. Which part do you think is wrong?" 

"...from one angle, it seems bad that your mages, who are your country's - most valuable asset - are overworked, they're not going to have time for their own research and tinkering and reading and travel to hang out with other mages and all the other stuff that - I know you're not wizards, but when I was in the army, which is not known for letting people slack off, I was supposed to put in eight hours a day enchanting items and twenty minutes on unit discipline and the rest of the time was for making friends and studying their magic items and talking shop with other wizards and reading books, and I'm not even a very important or powerful wizard, because - because it'd be insane, to have narrowed down already - and you're younger than me -

- from another angle, uh, how do you know you'd just be pointlessly sad if you weren't working? What if you didn't work and also..did things you liked?"

"I don't -"

Vanyel turns away, fixing his gaze on the wall. 

"I'm sad a lot," he says, wearily, woodenly. "I - was lifebonded. To someone." He takes a shuddering breath. "Who died. I - I don't know if your world has lifebonds..." 

"...no."

Vanyel hugs himself. "It's really rare. It's - the Tayledras say it only happens when the gods meddle, I don't know if they're right, but given - everything about my life..." He lifts a hand, helplessly, lets it fall. "Most people - don't survive. Losing a lifebonded partner. I - have the record for that, but, um, but it's - how I got mage-gift at all..." 

"The gods - glue peoples' souls together?"

"A - pparently. I guess. I'm...not actually sure how it helps Them." 

"It - makes you want to die? And they wanted you to - Final Strike Leareth?"

".......Right. There's that." 

"Seems like - using awfully little of you."