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leareth, king of cheliax, searches for his alt in a velgarth 1000 years earlier
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Tadesse wonders if it has to do with - there being room to be sad and tired for a while, without it getting him pointlessly killed. It feels like that's not all of it, though...

"- This is kind of stupid," he admits, "but right now it - feels almost as though it makes the cost worse. Of all the plans I carried out that did not really work and did hurt people in the process. Because...all along there were other worlds with other resources..." Shrug. "I did not have any way of knowing and so I do not think it makes my decision - worse in expectation - but that is the feeling I have." 

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....huh. That makes sense. If she imagines that Leareth finished his terrible god-plan in Velgarth and then discovered Golarion - yeah, he'd probably be pretty upset about that. 

 

She mostly doesn't feel that way, even about people she probably got executed just months before the war changed everything. Though she did make sure they were on the list of recent political executions Aroden was trying to arrange resurrections for. If they hadn't been she'd have added them. Maybe that's the same thing?

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"Maybe. You seem very - carefully strategic - about your emotions? I think more than I am even though you are - well, much younger. ...I suppose if you were mindread and expected to get in trouble for having the wrong feelings, in Asmodeus' Cheliax, that makes sense." 

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Having the wrong feelings seems bad even if you're not going to be mindread about them; they will cause you to be vulnerable. ...she guesses Tadesse is aware of this and is just having a hard time turning them off and also expecting it's safe to be vulnerable here?

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"...I think I do, yes. Especially after talking to Aroden. And - it would be much easier to not have those feelings - and to do things - if there were any obvious threats." Shrug. "I was perfectly capable of defending myself and Ekunde and his family against all sorts of dangers, in Velgarth. ...Not enough to successfully cross the ocean with them, I suppose, but that was always a gamble."

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Golarion is more technologically advanced and ocean boats are still a gamble. Oceans are very deadly.

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"And my Gift was not strong enough to Gate us all the way across the ocean to a place I had never been - though I expect Leareth has since figured out some way to do it more efficiently..." Shrug. "We were very unlucky, though, about the storms- Which means probably the gods there did not want me to succeed at finding the other continent, when I have bad luck that is generally why." 

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She was so terrified of the gods trying to kill her when she first arrived in little Ma'ar's world. She figured out after a little while that they didn't seem to be, and then she relaxed some, but - it seemed like the most nightmarish sort of situation, powerful enemies who can destroy you from any angle using any tool and hate you not for anything you did but for anything they perceive you to be inclined to do in the future...

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"- I mean, I assume they also hate me for things I did." He's trembling, now, for some reason. "But - I - I was not going to give up but it - felt so hard to ever win..." 

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...pat pat pat?

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He leans into her and shudders and then starts crying again, silently. He's decided not to fight his emotions even when they seem very pointless; Aroden didn't think it would help. 

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This is confusing but hopefully it's helping him some. It seemed, earlier, like maybe it was. She thinks back to the hypothetical of a kidnapped younger Carissa and - if it were a kidnapped younger Carissa this would be a good sign though also and not unrelatedly it'd be unlikely to happen.

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Eventually he calms himself down, sits up straighter. "Thank you for letting me read your mind," he says, seriously. "And for - wanting to help. I appreciate that. I...think I want to be alone for a while, now." 

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"Of course. Take care." 

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He gives her a wan smile. "I will try." And he heads back to his room. 

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Ayodele emerges from her own, having slipped off to give them more privacy. She smiles shyly at Carissa. "- How is he?" 

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"...I think a little better. I'm not sure."

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Sigh. "Well. Thank you." 

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"Of course." And she heads off to update Leareth on this.

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Leareth is practicing magic in the Work Room; it's been a while since he had a chance and he misses it. He immediately stops to pay attention to her, though. "So?" 

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"I think it was productive? He - noticed from me how concerning it was, and acknowledged that it was very concerning, which I found reassuring. He explained a little bit more of his thinking around - why he felt sadder when he came here - he thought it was partially that everything had been unnecessary, even though he couldn't have known that..."

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Leareth nods. Thinks for a moment. "...Gods. I almost cannot imagine how I would feel, if I had - carried out my plan - killed Vanyel, probably, in the process - and only then found out about Golarion..." 

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"The comparison jumped to my mind too. It would've - I don't see how you could have known but I guess it'd be pretty awful anyway."

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"I know. And - I do not think I would be upset forever, it would help that once I - reviewed all of it, thought it through - it is just true that I could not have known and was doing my best with the resources I had reason to believe existed. I think Tadesse will come to that realization too. ...Maybe more slowly, because he is so tired all the time - did that seem any better today?" 

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"A little bit better, I think. He's resting now but he didn't do it the very first time he had to try to think a thought, and as long as he can think any it'll be workable in the long run."

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