He shivers. "I - am scared there is not going to be time for that. If Aroden loses the war." 

"I very much hope that the forces of Good win the war. But there will be time for growing and getting stronger even if they lose. Nirvana is not finite, like Hell. It cannot be destroyed. No matter what happens in this war, there will be more to do, and we will keep trying to grow into people who can do it."

He should go back. 

He's not even sure how that would work but he should be - talking to everyone he can, finding someone who can cast Plane Shift, someone he can bribe, someone who can get a message to Aroden or Iomedae or anyone left alive... 

It's definitely a 'should', though, and not a 'want', and that fact is interesting in itself, right, that isn't the way he thinks, it feels like a deeply alien way to be relating to his goals and plans.

He wants everyone to be all right but it would be very convenient if, in fact, for a while it could stop being on him to make that happen. 

"I - am confused," he says eventually. "I do not understand my feelings about - the current situation." 

"Are you confused about what feelings you're having? Why you're having them?"

"- Both, maybe? I was noticing that maybe it was easier to - only have the feelings I endorsed having, that were useful, when there was an emergency that needed dealing with. Although, I think this is not completely new... Before, when Carissa and I were both sharing her body, we remarked that it seemed concerning how frequently neither of us wanted to be in control for the next thing, and that was a new problem to have, for me, it was very mysterious. And now... I - keep expecting that I would want to go back, and I am not sure that I actually do, and - I felt as though I should want to go visit where they have Alloran's search engine, but I did not actually want to go, which was very strange." 

"I think you are very traumatized, and you need some time to recover before you can do things without hurting yourself further."

"That seems very stupid and I wish I could decide to not do that." 

"It makes sense that you would feel - resentful of yourself for being traumatized, or angry with yourself, or disappointed with yourself, if it feels like that is getting in the way of doing important things."

He thinks about that. "I do not think I feel any of those ways? That would not help either. I, just - I keep being surprised, and trying to - decide to do something else more productive, and usually that works but I think maybe it usually working was contingent on there being an emergency and my having - actual power to do things about it - and when I do not have that, I - I feel..." 

The thing he feels is incredibly scared and also this is getting in the way of saying words again, which is very obnoxious of it really. 

Patpat.

He wants to not be scared. This seems like a reasonable and straightforward thing to want and also completely impossible and possibly incoherent as a concept. He can curl up under Caroline's wing, though, and this isn't the same thing as being safe or not being scared but at least it's a thing he can have. 

Caroline goes back to birdsong, once he has gone a little while without saying anything. The sun sets.

A very magical flock of bats wheels across the sky.

They're pretty. 

"Why were you here when I woke up here?" Mhalir asks her eventually, because he sort of took it for granted at the time but he doesn't actually know. 

"I decided I wanted to help someone adjust, so I made a nest. I figured someone would show up in it, when the right person was sorted here."

"Oh. That is kind of you." 

"You showed up much sooner than I expected! Sometimes people wait for months. Years, if they're difficult to get along with, or thinking about helping someone adjust in a way that's going to take an unusually good match in order to work out at all."

"Well, I heard that a lot of people are dying right now." He wishes it felt less like this was his fault for not doing something cleverer at some point, he doesn't know what. 

"Yes. Once you fly the nest I might do it again, it's been really nice and it's an unusually valuable time to do it, I think."

"Mmm." He wonders how long she expects him to stay in the nest, but doesn't ask, because it feels like the answer will probably somehow be upsetting from both directions at once. 

She watches the bats and does not say anything.

"Is there standard advice for how to be less traumatized so I can do things." 

"Different things work for different people. Often it's helpful to talk about the things that happened to you. Often it's helpful to give yourself some time when you aren't trying to achieve anything or do anything, and see how you feel and what feels appealing or interesting. Often it's helpful to do physical activity - flying, or swimming, or hiking. Singing. Some people go to see specialists, who have particular experience helping others with trauma recovery."

"Singing was nice," he agrees vaguely. "I - am not sure what it even means to find things appealing if I am not trying to achieve something? ...I suppose it was interesting talking to the Andalite scientist about morph research even though it was not the top strategic priority, I wish there had been more time to do that." 

"Lots of people enjoy - painting, or exploring, or collecting magic rocks...lots of people enjoy learning magic..."

"I would probably like learning magic." He hasn't been thinking about it much so far, maybe because he's still vaguely hoping that Aroden will resurrect him and Carissa soon, despite the fact that on some other level he's hoping that won't happen at all. "Is it much like arcane magic in the material plane?"