She doesn't cry. She never cries. Crying is weakness, and weakness gets you hurt.

But something in her chest cracks open anyway, and she presses her face harder against Cara's shoulder, breathing ragged.

She doesn't say anything. Can't. Just holds on.

That's okay. She doesn't have to say anything. Cara will hold her close, pet the back of her head.

 "It's okay," she whispers softly.  "It's okay."

She stays there for a long time. Minutes, maybe. She loses track.

Eventually her breathing evens out. The shaking stops. She doesn't pull away, but she loosens her grip slightly, no longer clinging like Cara might disappear if she lets go.

"Sorry," she mumbles into Cara's shoulder. The word comes out automatic, reflexive. And in her head: Thank you.

She's not sure which one she means more.

"It's okay." her voice is soft, gentle. "...I really mean it, you know." She rubs her cheek against Vera's hair.

She doesn't know what to say to that. Doesn't know how to believe it.

But she lifts her head from Cara's shoulder. Looks at her, really looks, for the first time since this all started.

There's something in her chest that she doesn't have a name for. Something that hurts but not in a bad way.

"Okay," she says. Just that. Just okay.

She doesn't pull away.

Cara stares back into those golden eyes, smiling gently. They're gorgeous. 

(There's a knot in her stomach. She ignores it. She's good at that.)

She holds the eye contact for a moment longer than she means to. Something about Cara's smile makes it hard to look away.

Then it's too much, and she drops her gaze.

"Your hair's a mess," she says. It comes out softer than she intended. Her hand moves before she can think about it, tucking a strand behind Cara's ear.

She freezes when she realizes what she's doing. Pulls her hand back like she's been burned.

"We should-" She clears her throat. It feels like she's choking on a mouth full of balled-up cotton fabric, like there's blood running down the back of her sinuses. Her heartrate shoots up and she, she has to,

She smiles at the hair comment, then notices Vera's sudden distress.

Oh no... "Hey, it's okay, it's okay," calm breathing, calm,

She can't breathe. Can't think.

She's going to leave.
1. She's going to stay.
2. She's going to hate you.
3. She's going to forgive you.
4. You're going to hurt her again.
5. You're going
6. You're going to
7. You're going to make it worse.

She grabs Cara's hand. Presses it against her chest, over her racing heart.

"Just-" Her voice cracks. "Don't - don't go anywhere." Please.

The please won't come out, it's like coughing up a saltine.

"Please."

It sounds broken. She's never said it like that before.

aaaa? "It's okay, I'm here, I'm here  I'm not going anywhere, it's okay,"

She presses her forehead against Vera, trying not to display her worries. Deep, careful breaths. 

The contact helps. Cara's forehead against hers, the steady rhythm of her breathing. Something to anchor to.

She focuses on it. In. Out. In. Out.

"Sorry," she whispers. Her eyes are closed. "I don't- I can't-"

She doesn't finish. Just breathes.

After a while - a minute, maybe two - her heartbeat starts to slow. The choking feeling in her throat eases. She's still shaking, but it's less violent now. More like trembling.

"This keeps happening." Her voice is barely audible. "When things are good. When I let myself-"

She can't say want things. Can't say feel safe. The words stick.

"It's okay. I'm here. It's okay." Gentle petting. "Always? Since you were young?" 

There's some gentle concern in her voice, but no stress. She's calm. It's okay. It's safe.

She shakes her head. Tiny movement.

"Since awakening. Before that I just-" She swallows. "I had other ways of ruining things."

A pause. The trembling is subsiding, the warmth of Cara's hand seeping through her shirt.

"It's worse now. I can see every way it goes wrong. All at once. And then I can't- I freeze, or I-"

Or I make it happen. Pick the worst one just to make it stop.

She doesn't say that part out loud. But she thinks Cara already knows.

Okay. Internal sigh of relief. "Oh... Backlash that makes it hard to get guiding is really miserable." her voice oft soft and sympathetic. "I've read about someone who gets really distressed about being perceived, she has a horrible time letting anyone close... I can't imagine handling something like that." 

"I think - just keep trying not to let it trap you into doing something bad? You've been doing a good job so far, since we started snuggling like this." She shifts, pressing her cheek into Vera's, petting her hair with the hand not on her heart. 

She leans into the touch. Lets herself have it, just for a moment.

"I almost-" She stops. Swallows. "Earlier. When you asked about my backlash. I almost-"

She doesn't finish. Can't say it.

"I didn't, though." It comes out small. Like she's trying to convince herself as much as Cara. "I didn't."

"This is helping." The words come out rough, reluctant. It costs her something. "You're helping."