I would too. I told him that actually I just care about him as a person.

:Er, how did that go over?: 

- most things go over by causing a lot of emotions the intensity of which he is fairly displeased about, lately.

:Oh no, he would really hate that. I keep feeling like I should have useful advice about that but I don't know where to start: 

It's a pretty unusual situation. I think probably he just needs time and - for it to keep being the case that it's all right to have a lot of  unexpected weaknesses.

I haven't said anything about the thing that maybe got through the Gate.

:Right. I feel like he doesn't at all need to be worrying about that - if something changes to make it more urgent, we can reconsider, I guess. And, that makes sense. I'm going to try really hard to get my head wrapped around the unexpected weaknesses part, it's got to be bothering him enough as it is without it additionally bothering me in a way that's obvious. I hope it hasn't been too obvious so far?: 

I don't think he's noticed anything. I did tell him my read on how you were doing which included that you are used to him being very much in control of things. 

:Mmm. I guess you thought it was helpful for him to have that as context?: 

Mostly I ...we're going to be tempted to project whatever is most reassuring to him, right, like that we're not at all taken aback by this and it doesn't change anything. But he's good at reading people, and he's asking me for reads on people and I'm excellent at that, and if what we're telling him doesn't match what he is perfectly capable of noticing himself then he's going to be distrusting himself unfairly. 

:Makes sense. He's got to be distrusting himself a lot already – gods, that's the worst part of this, Leareth is - meant to be someone who just takes for granted that he can trust his reasoning and can personally accomplish whatever he thinks is necessary? It must be incredibly awful for him, not having that: 

Yes, I think it is. I think that he was hoping with the memories he'd be able to - decide if he'd been wrong to think that in the past. But they're not in a coherent order and he will have to do a lot of work to get that out of them.

Vanyel nods. He can't think of anything else to add, right now. 

This is the point at which Leareth wakes up. He's warm and comfortable and - where is he?? - oh, Maitimo is there, singing, so he can't be in immediate danger. 

Also Vanyel is there. Which means he's presumably been watching Leareth sleep for a bit. Leareth has some kind of feeling about that.

Maybe it's because he's starting out pretty relaxed, not rigidly trying to stay in control - maybe it's for some mysterious other reason - but he is very suddenly sobbing again, and no matter how much it feels like he ought to be able to decide not to, that isn't an available action. 

Oh no what is he supposed to say this is so awkward. 

He keeps holding him, doesn't move. "Vanyel, can you make us breakfast? There's some food in my pack, or you can go wander through Lórien thinking what sounds tasty."

"Of course." Vanyel has a look in the pack, shrugs, heads back in the direction of the garden with Yfandes. 

Sorry, Leareth thinks loudly at Maitimo. Can he do the calming song again? Leareth keeps getting caught up in frustration that he can't control his emotions, then additionally being upset that the frustration is the opposite of helpful - it's a very dumb multi-storeyed tower of pointless emotions but knowing that isn't enough to dismantle it. 

He can do the calming song. I really don't think you owe us an apology.

...No, of course Maitimo wouldn't think he does, and once he's calm enough to have coherent thoughts again, Leareth can admit that he wouldn't think anyone in his current position owed the people around them an apology for having emotions, if it were Vanyel–

–the thought of Vanyel having been captured instead makes him want to scream, it's almost unbearable even to look at.  

- yeah. 

I don't think there's anyone who'd be better than you at putting yourself together.

Then he can at least be on some level glad that it was him and not Vanyel. Even if everything else is terrible right now, Vanyel is fine, or as fine as he can reasonably be given his past, and – that's because of a choice Leareth must have made at some point even if he hasn't tracked down the memory of it. Some past version of him was smart enough to realize what Melkor was doing and to - make it impossible - and, as a result, Vanyel is mostly-fine and the war is won and Melkor is dead. 

Yes.

Maitimo's actually confused by the degree to which his impression of Vanyel mismatches everyone Vanyel knows from his own world. Vanyel was very easy to work with, as emotionally stable as a person could reasonably be in a crisis of this scale, gracious and diplomatic with Lórien and with his father. At no point did Vanyel's emotional state feel like a limiting factor on anything. He has gathered that all this is uncharacteristic but he's not sure what the difference is.

That's interesting. Leareth isn't sure either. It could be that a lot of Vanyel's friends back home knew him ten or fifteen years ago and are anchored on that, and Vanyel fifteen years ago was a lot more obviously not-fine. Also, it seems plausible that Maitimo is just very good at making sure Vanyel isn't subjected to the kinds of stress that are harmful for him. Even just making sure he eats and sleeps enough would go a long way. During the Karsite war, they shoved him out to roam the border by himself, since every time he tried to settle in a camp somewhere the enemy would start focusing their attacks there. 

- wow. Vanyel does need to be reminded to eat and sleep and sing and rest after doing a lot of magic and go for walks sometimes and change the room's color scheme and all the tapestries when he's been stuck on a research problem for weeks but most people need reminders to do that stuff, when they're in the middle of something unprecedented and important. 

Yes. You would think this would be obvious but it seems like the Heralds back in Haven were much worse at it. 

- also it was plausibly good for Vanyel to be very distracted by something unprecedented and important? Leareth has suspected in the past that Vanyel does best when his full attention is occupied. Ideally by something he finds enjoyable and intrinsically rewarding, but Vanyel has always liked doing magic research, that would've been a much better fit for him than setting lots of enemy soldiers on fire which was his main role in the last war.