Abras realizes he's still on the floor and gets to his feet. "I, um, I think I'm done for today. I should go and--I should go." If he flees right now rather than doing the polite thing and waiting for Tantras to say goodbye, maybe he can make it back to his room before he starts crying about how his brain is broken because Tylendel is DEAD.

Tantras starts to call out something after him and then cuts himself off and looks down at the floor. 

:Chosen, hey: Yfandes intercedes, once he's made it back to the safety of his room. :Are you going to be up for mage-work this afternoon? You seem pretty shaken. If you need a break, I can let Kellan know: 

Failing to show up for his first day of mage-work because he can't leave his room: awful. Saying he can manage it and then failing to leave his room anyway, or showing up and doing a horrible job: even worse. His life in general: just absolute shit.

: . . . Could you, please? I'm sorry. I wish I was good enough to do it anyway but I'm just not.: He shoves his head under his pillow and thinks about how he can't do anything about anything, especially not Tylendel being DEAD, because he, Abras, sucks, and he sucks because Tylendel is DEAD.

Yfandes backs off briefly, presumably relaying the message, and confirms quietly that Savil has been alerted, and then hovers for a while, giving him space but receptive if he wants to talk. 

:You can come out to the stables if you want: she sends finally. :My stall is pretty private. I could help you take a nap – seems like you didn't get enough sleep last night and that's making things harder: 

:Yeah, that could help.: The adrenaline crash stacked on top of the sleep deprivation isn't doing him any favors but if he stays in here he'll just be too sad to sleep. :I'll be there in a bit.: It takes him longer than it should to leave his room, for fear that someone will see him, but eventually he starts sneaking down to the stables.

Yfandes comes out to meet him, and she can send a much stronger wash of love and affection once they're touching. :Chosen, can you stop beating yourself up over this? It's really understandable. You have a big adjustment to make, coming back to Haven. Give yourself time, please: 

Once they're in her stall he can bury his face in her mane. :I'll try. It's just--I thought I had been making progress, in K'Treva, and now I'm back to it being just as bad.: 

:I don't think it is just as bad. You certainly couldn't have gotten through the Mindspeech relay shift before. If that's all you can manage for a little while, then - that's fine. We'll build up slowly:

She nuzzles him, falls silent, and presents an itchy spot on her flank for brushing. 

:Okay.: He brushes her, appreciating the opportunity to do something mindless and repetitive and tangible and also the knowledge that Yfandes cares about him even when he's being useless. Eventually she's all brushed and he's calm enough to have a chance at sleep.

Yfandes helps, and he's out. She keeps sending calm-soothing through their bond every time a nightmare threatens to surface. 

The footsteps are probably going to wake him, though. "Abras?" 

He wakes up and suppresses a groan. Getting caught napping in the stables when he was originally supposed to be working, by Lancir of all people, was not in the plan. Okay, he didn't have a plan, but if he had this would not have been in it. Pretending he isn't here isn't going to work, though, so he scrambles upright. "Hello Herald Lancir." :Thanks for the nap, Yfandes.:

"Hey, no need to worry," Lancir says gently. "You're not in trouble. Just - can we talk? Here is fine, or my office, or we could go to your room if you'd prefer. Savil told me you had a bit of a rough morning. I wanted to know what's going on." 

"Could we go to your office?" Less chance of anyone else walking in on them, and he'll have the walk there to think.

"Of course." Lancir waits for him to exit the stall, then starts walking. 

Abras follows, mentally piecing together an explanation of what happened.

They reach Lancir's private office. Lancir clears a chair for Abras, offers him a drink again, and sits down. "So. Tell me what happened this morning?" 

"I was sparring with Herald Tantras, and he pinned me, which was a very reasonable thing to do, but it--reminded me of--other times I haven't been able to move, and I panicked and thought I was somewhere else for a minute. And then Tantras moved and I realized what was going on but it was--I got scared. So I asked Yfandes to ask Kellan to ask Savil to cover my work because I was worried I would be too--that I wouldn't be able to do it right."

"That's very reasonable on your part," Lancir says. "Knowing your limits and when you need some space to take care of yourself. Right now, I think that should be a higher priority than any given day of your work as a Herald; we managed fine without you at all, having any amount of Abras is a bonus right now. And I'm worried about you pushing yourself unsustainably until you break down, not that you'll slack off; you're just not that sort of person." 

He leans back in his chair. "Does that happen often for you? Thinking you're somewhere else for a bit, when something reminds you? It is something our minds can do, when a really bad event happens and the memory digs itself in deep enough. And I'm sorry you have to go through that; I know it's a frightening experience." 

"Not . . . often? But it's not the first time. . . . To be honest it probably won't be the last either."

Sympathetic nod. "I wish I could fix it for you, lad. It's not that quick or easy, unfortunately. Talking about it may help – with Yfandes, or Savil, or me. If you want, I can do a calming-loop – basically a mental handle you can grab to settle yourself down, after something like that. Speaking of that, how did the redirect I did the other day end up working out?" 

"It definitely worked, I can see it. By introspection, I mean, I don't have Mindhealing Sight or anything." He's not sure about the calming loop. It sounds like a good thing to be able to do, but it also sounds like a thing in his mind that wouldn't belong there. And there's the nagging sense that he ought to be learning how to make his emotions flow logically from the facts of a situation, rather than messing with them magically.

"Oh, can you? Fascinating. You must have good introspection. May I have a look?" Pause. "Er, Abras – did you have some sort of problem with it? That definitely isn't the way I left things."

"It worked okay, I looked at the sofa and thought about Mardic and Donni like you said I would. Did I mess it up by looking at it? Sorry."