"Thanks. What's the matter?" People never lead with "there's something I should tell you" if they think you're going to enjoy hearing it.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" She hands him a glass. "It's nothing bad. Just, you need to make your vows to Elspeth. It's really just a formality, but I figured you'd be happier with a few days' warning." 

There's a brief moment of "oh no, interacting with the Queen" and then it gets swept away by the tide of "oh no vows". It had seemed so remote before his graduation and he hadn't remembered to come back to them afterwards.

"Oh--right--vows. Um. Aunt Savil, I, please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think I understand the vows, I mean really understand them."

"Oh? If you've got questions, I can answer them. Have you asked Yfandes?" 

"I probably should, but I sort of don't know what the right question is to ask. I just . . . how do you know if you're doing what you swore to do? What if you run into a choice where you can heal wrongs or keep the peace but not both? I look at the whole thing and it seems so good and right and I want to swear it, and then I look at each piece and feel like I don't know how I could swear it honestly."

Savil frowns. "Abras, ke'chara, I think you might be overthinking it. There are going to be thorny decisions sometimes, and – I guess sometimes we can't have everything come out the way we want, and we do have to choose which parts to give up. Often you'll be able to ask someone else for advice, if you're not sure, but always. So it has to be up to your conscience. And...that's what Companions are for, right? To help us remember what's good and important, so we can make those choices." 

"I guess? I feel like if I'm going to promise to do something in front of Queen Elspeth and then let it guide my life that deserves kind of a lot of thinking about. Having Yfandes' help will be really good, though, I definitely couldn't do it without her." He guesses he could just interpret it as "don't do anything Yfandes thinks is wrong", but abdicating his own sense of right and wrong that way feels, not exactly cowardly, but like a failure. And he won't always have time to talk to her; he needs to be able to make decisions on the spot in unexpected circumstances and that means having principles to operate by.

"Hmm. So I've never been that much of a book-learner, but I know we're different that way – maybe you should read Seldasen on ethics? I read it a few decades ago and found it very clearheaded. It might help you feel less confused - although, honestly, Lancir told me once that anyone who isn't confused about ethics is a fool. It's a messy complicated world out there and it's just hard." 

"I'll definitely read Seldasen on ethics; he had some really good explanations of tactics. I guess it's okay as long as people--understand that I won't know all the implications of what I'm swearing and I'm just going to do my best with my own imperfect conscience and whatever guidance I can get." It still feels a lot less clear-cut than he would like. If he promises to keep a secret or do a specific thing at a specific time it's really clear what the rules are and what he has to do and nobody will argue about whether he broke his promise or not.

"Oh, ke'chara." Savil slides her chair over and hugs him again. "Do you think it means swearing to be perfect? Listen, that's all any of us are ever doing – our best, with our imperfect consciences and the guidance we can find in each other. I know you'll do fine." 

"I hope so. I don't want to--put off thinking about ethics until a situation comes up where I wish I had. But if I don't know what situations to think about I can't think about them usefully."

"From what I remember, Seldasen gives a lot of examples from past situations that actual Heralds dealt with, which should help you figure out what needs thinking through. Oh - and you could always read through our archives, if you wanted. There are case reports on every major incident since the Founding." 

"That sounds worth reading through, yeah." It'll be quite the project, but he'll be able to see how much continuity there is, whether Heralds from different centuries have made similar decisions for similar reasons.

Savil squeezes his shoulder. "You're so diligent, Abras. You'll do great." She squeezes his shoulder. "All right, now eat something." 

"Thanks." She wouldn't be calling him diligent if she knew how badly he had failed at research this afternoon. Don't think about that. Fork, edible substance, mouth, repeat.

Savil makes conversation, talking about her day and how Herald Jaysen and her other friends in Haven are doing, none of it is particularly relevant to Abras but it passes the time. 

"You look tired," she says finally. "Early night, maybe?" She peers into his face. "Have you been sleeping all right in general?" 

He makes a wobbly "eh, sorta" hand gesture. "An okay amount, but at weird hours? I'm going to try to stay up until a more reasonable bedtime. Maybe I'll go talk to Yfandes for a bit."

"Sounds good. Take care, all right?" She hugs him before he heads out. "I'll let you know when we have a day and time arranged for your vows." 

And Yfandes will be waiting for him in the stables. 

:So how much of the conversation about my vows were you listening to?: he asks while he's combing her mane.

:Some, but why don't you take me through it again?: 

:The Heralds' oath is--it's clear in spirit but not in letter, you know? It's almost more about what sort of person I'm supposed to be than a set of things I'm supposed to do. And I want to be that kind of person but I don't know that I can honestly swear to because I can't just decide what sort of person to be. And Savil said that all I have to do is try my best, but is that really right? If I swear to do something I'm supposed to do it, not just to make some unspecified amount of effort.:

Yfandes is silent for a bit, thoughtful. 

:Abras, I know you hold yourself to high standards: she sends finally. :Which isn't bad in itself. And - you tend to feel like you're never good enough, which is...less helpful. But, listen – nobody is going to judge you for not being perfect: 

:I realize that's what it sounds like I'm saying but it's actually a different problem this time. It's that it's not . . . concrete enough? I don't understand how my actions ought to be different from those of someone who caress about doing the right thing but hasn't taken the oath.:

:Hmm: Yfandes needs to chew on that for a while.

:Well: she offers finally, :part of it is a commitment to keep caring? Think of it this way: your sister, once she's accepted a position to the Guard, could decide later that she doesn't want to do that anymore and she'd rather be, oh, a caravan-guard for hire and earn a lot of coin. But being a Herald means making a choice to do what's needed for the Kingdom, not what benefits you the most personally. A commitment to – keep being the person that you are now, day after day, year after year. Even when it's hard. It will be hard, sometimes. This can be a thankless job, and sometimes you might be tempted to - care a bit less. Take the path of expediency, do the thing that saves you some work now but isn't the best thing for the kingdom. And this oath is a promise not to do that – but you're not in that alone. It's what I'm here to help with. Does that make any more sense?: