"How . . . does that work?" Presumably it's safe and non-worrisome or Lancir wouldn't be looking to do it, but it sounds unnerving anyway.

"Roughly, the way my Gift works is that I can see certain pathways in your mind, places where your thoughts tend to go a particular way, and I can help you shift them. When a really traumatic thing happens to us, our minds tend to build a lot of associations to it, so it comes to mind often and disrupts whatever you're doing at the time. I can use blocks and redirects to make it so your mind doesn't head in that direction so often – I don't think it's healthy to wall it off entirely, but I reckon it's not helping if you're reminded of it a hundred times a day. The way it would go is, I'll have to ask you to think about a place or object or person that was upsetting, so I can see that pathway as it is now, and then I can nudge it, shape it so you start thinking about something else." 

He narrows his eyes. "If you're feeling guilty or inadequate a lot - there's no shame in it, trust me, sometimes I swear half the Heralds feel that way sometimes - then I might also put in a redirect that reminds you to be kind to yourself, when those kinds of thoughts come up. How does that sound to you?" 

It sounds like someone going into his mind and magically changing it. Not just showing him things like Starwind's demonstations, or adding information like a language, but making some thoughts harder to think. Thoughts he shouldn't be thinking, admittedly, but the prospect still makes his breath catch a bit. For all his mind is a damaged mess, it's all he's got and he wants to hold on to it.

Abras forces himself to think about it as dispassionately as he can. Just because something is scary doesn't mean he shouldn't do it. He needs to be able to go more than a handful of hours without thinking about Tylendel, needs to get his emotions in some sort of order so he can handle the responsibilities of a Herald. If he can't do that himself, and it sure looks like he can't, he can at least be brave enough to let Lancir help. He forces himself to say, "I'm okay with that."

"You seem a bit nervous," Lancir remarks. He smiles. "I promise, I don't bite. I want you to be comfortable with whatever we end up doing. Would it be easier if we start with just one basic redirect, and you can see how that is for the next week?" 

"Yeah, that would be good. If it's okay with you. Sorry, I know you know what you're doing, I'm just--not familiar with any of it."

It'll be fine, he tells himself. He probably won't even notice. Okay actually the thought that he won't notice makes it scarier.

"Of course. We don't need to rush anything." Lancir leans back in his chair. "All right - I'm afraid this will be one of the harder parts. I need you to think of the last time something reminded you and was upsetting, and then talk me through the feelings you had. Can you do that?" 

Abras starts in on a halting recounting of the last time he looked at Savil's sofa and remembered sitting on it with Tylendel. He felt sad, because he missed him, and also like he was grieving wrong because people always talk about expecting to see their lost loved ones and then being surprised by remembering that they're gone, and he never has that, he can't forget that much, it's always there in a corner of his mind.

At no point in this explanation does he actually say Tylendel's name, or the word "dead".

"Abras, I'm impressed that you can speak about it this much already," Lancir says. "And, listen to me–" Abras will notice the corners of the room going very slightly soft and fuzzy, "–there's no wrong way to grieve. For anyone, but I think it especially goes for you. It makes sense that it's hard to forget, because - he did a lot of damage to your mind, on the way out. Lifebonds are rooted very deep. I think it will get easier to bear, over time, but - I don't think you're ever going to be able to forget, or stop missing him. You're just going to figure out how to live anyway. And you've made a really good start." 

He's quiet for a moment. "For the specifics," he offers finally, "how about redirecting so you think of recent times with Savil instead? Or maybe with Mardic and Donni, in the past. Probably a happy memory will feel jarring, but if you can find a neutral memory, I can patch it over to that instead." 

Abras fails to pay attention to a bunch of what Lancir is saying because his vision is suddenly malfunctioning! This was not expected! He turns his head from side to side a few times and blinks, trying to get it to go away.

"Sorry, you wanted--a description of a neutral memory?"

The sense of fuzziness vanishes as soon as Lancir stops speaking, and it doesn't return when he answers the question. "Yes. Abras, you seem like you got distracted somewhere in there – is everything all right?" 

"Uh, it's fine, I just had--random blurry vision? It fixed itself. Does Mindhealing do that?" Or he is separately going wrong in the head in yet another unrelated direction?

"Oh. Hmm. Yes, I believe my Gift can do that, it doesn't stick around though. And it should've been subtle that time, I was only giving it a tiny push so you'd remember this conversation better, but it seems like it just distracted you instead. Would it be less startling if I warn you when I'm going to?" 

"Warning me when you're going to use your Gift would be--good, yeah. It won't be so distracting now that I know what's causing it and that it will go away." He feels ridiculous, getting so thrown off by something so minor.

"Of course. I'm sorry. Er, the things I was saying when I accidentally distracted you were kind of important, so I'm going to say it again." He repeats his speech about how there's no wrong way to grieve, not quite verbatim, and this time without any weird visual changes. "Try to keep that in mind, all right?" 

"I will," he says earnestly, feeling very embarrassed about wasting Lancir's time.

"Good. Now, try to think of that neutral memory for me?" 

He can talk about a conversation with Mardic and Donni their attempts to learn concert-work.

"Excellent, that'll do." Lancir lays his palms flat on the table, looks into Abras' eyes. "I'm going to use my Gift again for this next part, and I'll need to push a little harder – it should feel the same way it did before, but more. I want you to imagine you're about to walk into Savil's suite - tell me when you have it in mind - and then when you picture opening the door, think about that conversation, and I'll use my Gift to cement it in, that's the redirect." 

He does not want to have his thoughts changing direction on him because of magic. He wants to have thoughts that follow logically from other thoughts based on his memories and experiences. But the thoughts that follow logically from his other thoughts are bad ones and he should have better ones instead and if he backed out now Lancir would justifiably think he was being ridiculous.

He concentrates and narrates as directed, face expressionless.

"...And, now," Lancir warns him, just as he hits the part with Mardic and Donni, and - everything melts a little, the edges of things softening, it last for about five seconds and then snaps back to normal. "That's it, done. Doing all right?" 

Between the tests and this, he's feeling pretty drained; the idea of being alone somewhere quiet sounds more appealing than anything else right now. Also he wants to poke at his memories and see if he can tell anything's different, but that can wait until Lancir, who has to be extremely busy, is done with him. "I'm holding up. Was there anything else?" Please say no, please say no . . .

“Why don’t we leave it at that for today? If you’ve got any questions, though, I can answer them now.”

"I don't have any questions. Thanks for your help." And now maybe he can head back to his room and hide under a blanket for a while, unless he's forgetting some other important obligation.

Yfandes confirms that he is not! She's waiting for him outside. :...Are you all right, Chosen? You seem kind of shaken. Stressful exams?: 

:The exams were alright; I just get nerves before and after. And it was a bunch of magic and then Lancir wanted to talk about stuff, and I could really use a nap right now.: