Vanyel has a look, and even manages to seem slightly excited about it. "That is really pretty. Um, why was Fëanáro trying to lucid dream?" 

He just thought it sounded cool.

"It does! I want to learn to lucid dream." 

Shavri chatters on for a while, asking various random questions. Vanyel finishes his food and seems to be a quarter paying attention. 

When they're done eating (and Bella has given Shavri preliminary lucid dreaming instructions) she follows Vanyel out.

"Um, can we go to my room, or your room, I don't actually care I just want it to be somewhere that's indoors and has walls?" 

Sure. You can come see my new suite, Melody helped me move in this morning.

"Oh. That's nice." He follows her. 

Indoors with walls, so not the terrace. She sits down and looks at him expectantly.

"I need...one minute..." Vanyel curls up on the floor against a wall and puts his head in his hands and cries very quietly for about sixty seconds, and then gets up and wipes his eyes on his sleeve and looks sheepish. "Sorry, I, just – I've been around people all morning and it's...exhausting..." He sits down in a chair this time, and looks at her. "I, um, made a list of things I wanted to talk to you about." He digs a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket. 

You'll have to read it for me.

"I was about to." He gulps and looks at the paper. "Um, first – I still keep thinking about wanting to die, kind of a lot? I guess I hoped that would go away. I don't really understand it, it doesn't feel like it's about Tylendel the same way. I...don't actually want to be dead? I like a lot of things about being alive. It's just where my mind goes if something feels hard or overwhelming, and a lot of this morning was like that. I helped Savil with some mage-work, and, I could do it, it was just...really hard." He shrugs helplessly. "I don't know, what do you think?" 

So, I separated the grief and the damage but the damage is still there. I'm not otherwise familiar with this kind of problem but it makes sense that if you have a huge hole in you you'll generally be short on cope. And when you aren't sure how to cope it's not a huge leap to 'what if I didn't have to cope anymore'. I don't have a quick fix for this one, unfortunately, but I can try some low-confidence options, and it will probably get better with time if you work on making sure you have plans for what to do when things seem like a bit much, even if the plan is just to tell someone - not necessarily me, but it can be me - or keep track of ordinary things that make you feel better like hot chocolate or getting plenty of sunshine.

Vanyel nods slowly. "I don't know how to solve it if the thing that seems like too much is having to exist and nothing would actually make that better, but..." he screws up his face again, "I don't know that that's actually it? Because...it feels like if I had the option of 'go to k'Treva and do nothing all day for a while' that would be sort of fine? I just don't feel like I can do that. I feel like I have to keep doing things forever. I don't really know what things make me feel better? Also I usually do tell Yfandes and it sort of helps but she also...gets upset, and sometimes that actually just makes it harder?" 

I might need to know about how Companion...ship... works. Do you have an idea of how long a while you'd have to be at k'Treva doing nothing all day?

Another shrug. "I mean, when I was in k'Treva, eventually once my Gifts weren't an emergency anymore, Savil would tell me to take a break sometimes, and...I think usually in less than a week I would get restless and bored and want to start helping out again. It's just, when I was doing things it was only one or two a day? And the timing was flexible and nobody was relying on just me to do something. Here it's – there are things at particular times, there's just more, and sometimes I have to go on a mission for a week where it just doesn't stop. And I can ask for leave afterward but then I'm letting people down. I'm already letting people down, I mean, Savil covers for me all the time, and Tran does the Mindspeech relay on his own when I can't make it, and I'm already scheduled for, I don't know, it feels like half the duties he is, and then I don't even manage all of them. I'm...doing a really bad job of being a Herald." He looks painfully embarrassed about it. "...Er, what do you want to know about Companions?" 

Uh, what the expected relationship and any supporting magical features thereof are and how that works out in practice with you and Yfandes. It's kind of a broad topic but it seems like she'll wind up being part of any long term strategy so I need to know what we're working with to help.

"Um, so Companions get a Call when it's time for them to Choose someone, and Yfandes isn't sure how it works or how she knew I was the right one, she just felt it. My theory is that there's a Foresight element, I mean and also obviously once I had lots of Gifts that was going to be useful for Valdemar. Anyway. When a Companion Chooses, they automatically love you and you love them, I guess that's a supporting magical feature? It just happens right away, it was...weird. Although it wasn't any weirder than the lifebond. Anyway the idea is that your Companion is someone you can trust completely and tell anything, most Heralds with strong Mindspeech will have their Companions accessing their surface thoughts a lot of the time and be talking back and forth all the time. And they give you advice if you're upset or need help with a decision or just need company, and they're always there for you?" 

He squints at the wall. "...With me and Yfandes, I mean, it didn't start out right, not the way it's supposed to – I was really messed up, I didn't even want to be a Herald or talk to her. She was trying to be helpful and supportive, but it was scary and hurtful for her that I, um, kept trying to kill myself. Companions die if their Herald does, so that makes sense, also, I mean, it was sort of terrible on her end too? Choosing is supposed to be this wonderful thing, and then she got her Call and I was so miserable and she had to listen to my thoughts for weeks and couldn't do that much to help. Anyway, um, it's pretty good now, I do trust her and tell her everything and it is helpful, just, I think that's why it's upsetting for her when I have thoughts like that. Or when I take risks or I'm just bad at taking care of myself. It makes sense that she gets stressed about it. She cares a lot about me." 

That sounds... difficult in a lot of ways.

He nods, shakily. "It is. But I think I would just be dead, otherwise. I wouldn't've had enough reason to...try as hard as I did. And I'm glad to not be dead. So I'm grateful, even if I really wish it'd happened in a less horrible messy way." He manages a small smile. "Also Yfandes is really good at math and she's the only person I can talk to about books I'm reading or magic I'm practicing as much as I want, she never gets bored with me and she enjoys helping me figure out how to combine Gifts in new ways and things like that. I would...get along with her, if she was just a person I knew, we would end up being friends, I think." 

Well, that sounds nice. But you're a little short on space to have feelings without worrying about how they affect her.

"That's true." Vanyel is blinking confusedly, like this concept hasn't ever occurred to him before. "If she was just a normal friend, like Shavri... It wouldn't be as complicated. I don't know, I've told her it doesn't help and she tries not to panic about it and she's gotten better about it. But it's still a sore spot." He shrugs. "There's a little bit of the same thing for Savil, she gets scared for me, but at least she's not listening to my thoughts all the time." 

Can you... stop her? From listening? Ever? Does she have a way to stop?

"She can stop on purpose. Or I can shield. It's just, some of it is actually helpful? She's good at reminding me to be kind to myself and that I'm not useless and terrible. If I'm feeling guilty about something that shouldn't be that big a deal, or if I'm stewing about having done something embarrassing, or...even just, sometimes she's the one who notices first when I'm starting to get overwhelmed and should take a break before I completely fall apart about it. But a lot of it isn't helpful, I guess." 

I wonder if it would be a good idea to schedule some time each day where, by default, she stops, or you shield, and unless you specifically want to talk to her, for that time - maybe half an hour to an hour? - she gives you your space. Maybe starting not too long before you go to bed, but leaving some time to check in before you sleep if that might help you recontextualize any spirals you get into while you're thinking by yourself so you don't sleep on them. Or first thing in the morning, especially if she can just get on a slightly shifted sleep schedule from yours.

“That’s a good idea.” He grimaces. “Um, speaking of sleep - would it be alright if I got you to come help me sleep at some reasonable time every night that’s convenient for you? I had a really hard time falling asleep last night and then I slept in and missed an important thing. I was, um, too embarrassed to try to Mindspeak you about it by then, I was worried you’d be asleep already and I’d be bothering you.”