Go right ahead.

He doesn't look at her. :I want – I mean, I should want to be...happier? Everyone else wants me to be happier. I don't know – it would be nice, I guess? I, just, it doesn't feel like... I don't know if I can do that. I can probably be more functional but I don't know if it's...possible...for me to be less miserable all the time. I wish it was, but I don't want you to try to help and then be disappointed in me if it doesn't work: The Mindspeech comes with an overtone of emotion, mostly vague distress and a lot of embarrassment. 

I am not going to be disappointed in you if we try something that doesn't work. If we try something that doesn't work we can try something else, or work on something else. Or we can try it again slower or differently.

Vanyel...looks like he isn’t sure he believes her. But also isn’t sure that he doesn’t believe her. Mostly he looks very confused. 

:Oh. If you’re sure: He grimaces. :I think I’m probably really frustrating to have as a patient. Sorry. But...I would like it, if the thing where I get upset about something random and then I can’t do anything or talk to anyone for the rest of the day, I would prefer if that happened less often: 

That sounds like a really good goal. It's probably not literally random; can you tell me about some times it's happened so we can work out a pattern?

He screws up his face. :I mean, I know it's not literally random, it's...things that remind me of bad things. It's just that it's everything and really stupid things. This week it was, um, I took the path by the river by accident and looked at it. And Savil's student asked me if I was going to the party tonight and who I wanted to dance with. And something I read in a book about Pelagirs creatures – I was only upset about that one for a candlemark though: 

He squirms. :I probably have to tell you about the bad things that happened in order for it to make sense? Only, I'm curious if... I don't know how your subtle arts work, I'm curious if you just look at my mind with it, what it looks like to you, before I prime you. Um, you have my permission to do that and to tell me about it: 

I don't have a concrete representation like the house Lancir sees. If I'm not looking for something specific it's very jumbly. I could read your affect or your surface thoughts if you like.

:Oh. All right. You can do that. I'll...take down my shields for a minute...: 

He does. Vanyel's surface thoughts are...a confusing jumble of a lot of things, there's a thread shouting I want to die I want to die over and over, although it seems more reflexive than anything, and a sense of something else trying to stomp on that thought by sheer force of will, and brief flashes of a glowing door-like threshold with nothing but fire on the other side, and a stormy river, and trees rushing by in a dark forest, that keep getting blocked off and shoved away, a tiny whisper of it won't always be like this but it's dubious and not very confident, a flicker of I want to see if Bella can help it's worth trying it has to be worth trying, and the overall affect is one of barely-restrained panic and crushing embarrassment–

And then his shields slam back up. :Sorry: 

You don't have to apologize to me. This is my job.

So there's a suicidal thought thread there, which seems almost habitual, and you're trying to suppress it with sheer willpower, and some trauma flashback images - are those there all the time? - that you're trying very hard to think around, and you're very anxious and embarrassed - we can go slower, it's normal to take a few sessions to build more comfort and rapport so you can be more confident I'm not constantly judging you.

Vanyel puts his head down on his knees. :They're not there all the time. I...don't think this is representative of how my thoughts usually are? I'm just kind of already upset: He's silent for a moment, and then deliberately and forcedly unfolds himself and looks at a point above her head. :Is it, um, all right if I go in my room for a minute and try to calm down? I just... I can't really think right now: 

Of course that's fine.

Vanyel goes into his bedroom and closes the door. He curls up against the foot of his bed, bites down on his fist and counts to a hundred in his head; he considers asking Yfandes to count out five minutes so he can cry again, but that's kind of a long time to make Bella wait, and besides he thinks now might be one of the times when he won't be able to stop and, while he needs to be okay crying in front of her at some point or this isn't going to work at all, right now he isn't.

He comes out wearing a blanket, looking sheepish but considerably more focused. "I'm–" sorry, "–going to try to stop apologizing to you for existing because it's probably just boring at this point." 

I don't think I'd describe it that way but skipping it seems better.

Can you tell me what you were looking for when you wanted me to read you?

"I think I was..." He switches back to Mindspeech. :I guess I was hoping I wouldn't actually have to tell you the thing that happened. I...haven't had to tell anyone, ever, people here already know. I, um, can try though: He seems extremely reluctant. 

It can wait if you aren't ready. You could also authorize someone else to tell me.

"Just a minute." Vanyel closes his eyes. "I...think...I want to tell you myself? I'm sort of tired of other people being, I don't know, all in my business about it. So, um, I probably want to wait until it doesn't feel like the worst thing in the world. I don't know how long that would take or if you can actually do anything to help in the meantime though." 

Hm. When you say people don't usually survive does that tend to be suicide or do they just directly die somehow? I'd be wary of working on the second thing blind.

Vanyel gets a frozen look again, but eventually answers. :I think it's usually suicide. I haven't personally done research on it: 

Okay, then I should ask someone who'd know, I don't want to trip into some psychic deathtrap you're avoiding right now by however narrow a margin. Before confirming that I don't think I should do anything besides look at things you want to show me, and talk to you.

:...I would be really surprised if it was and I'd been avoiding it for the last two and a half years. I can, um, Yfandes says Taver would know and she can relay his answer: 

Okay, is she going to ask now?

:She just did, um, he can have a lot of conversations at once so he's almost always interruptible. ...He says no, it's not a psychic deathtrap thing, it just...makes people really really sad and most people will just kill themselves if they're miserable enough. And have fewer people trying to prevent that than I did: 

Okay. So approximately normal suicidal depression induced in some way that you'll decide when to tell me. Things I can do from here if you want to do things from here include pinching any particularly recurring associations - have you ever seen the name of a color written in a different color, like the word for blue written in brown? It's kind of hard to state the color of the ink instead of reading the word; pinching an association closed is like garbling the spelling a bit, so you can focus on the ink but still figure out the word with a moment of intentional attention.

"Huh!" For a moment Vanyel looks surprised and curious enough for it to drown out the embarrassment. "I wonder if that's less weird and distracting than when Lancir tries to do a similar thing. Um, sorry, I'll try to think of something." He scrunches up his face again, and eventually goes back to Mindspeech. :It would be good if I could use Savil's old Work Room. Or even just the path near it. Nobody even lives there now and it's convenient because Yfandes can fit through the door, but I...can't: 

Okay, I can de-associate that if you'd like? There's a risk I'll get a glimpse of what it's connected to but I can try to do without, assuming you don't need to keep associating the room and path with something else - that is, if it's all right for it to feel a lot like a new place you've never been. I can do it very gently so you can see if you like it that way, and then if you don't it'll knock loose in a few days or I can undo it, and if you do like it I can stick it on for good.