"I can fly and would have plenty of time to do it if I'd tripped. And I have never dropped a person, ever, not even the guy who bit me."

"How's your arm doing?"

"Healing nicely. Esper perk."

"When do you have to change the bandages again?"

"Sometime today, it's not like I have to hit a very narrow window."

His thoughts run through the loop again on whether it would be awful for him to help with that or awful for him to not.  "...Maybe Bug can help with that."

"...if he'd like to, I guess? I don't think it'll be all that hard for me to do one handed."

"If I'm going to be a dungeon esper it seems good to have some practical experience with first aid?  While the opportunity's handy.  Or arm-y."

"Ha. Valid, though usually you don't want to be doing first aid in the middle of a dungeon where a monster could interrupt you at any moment. How about breakfast first though."

"Definitely."  But he doesn't move to get out of bed and in fact snuggles up a bit more.

"Should I carry you down the stairs?"

"No??"

"If we are going to have breakfast we will have to get out of bed."

"Bug likes eating more than I do.  By a lot, right now."

"Okay. Should I go get started cooking something while you, uh, summon him?"

"Yeah, that sounds good.  Or like the thing to do."

"Okay. See you... uh... later?" And he extracts himself from the bed. "Scrambled eggs good?"

"Sounds good, yeah."  Julien sits up.  And then - no, he doesn't need a hug and it might be inappropriate.  "Thanks.  Can you make sure Bug reads a letter I wrote him?  He might not want to if he remembers me writing it but I would like him to anyway, I think.  It's on my laptop."

"Noted." And off he goes to scramble some eggs.

Oooookay time to do this again, somehow on purpose.  Maybe it'll be easy for him; he did it the last two times on accident.  He will... go stare at his eyes in the mirror again?  And bring his phone this time.  Pictures pictures pictures pictures.  They look greener to him, this morning.  Green is not really one of his favorite colors but apparently it will probably be fine.

What were the things he was afraid that thinking of would turn him into Bug.  Well, that thing about torturing himself.  He mulls on it for half a minute before realizing that feeling guilty isn't really Bug's jam.  What is Bug's jam.  Bug.... likes food.  And indulgence.  Unlike Julien, currently.  (Mostly.  He's really come around to the cuddles.)  Bug doesn't feel shame, Julien thinks, for anything he's done with Haru.  He might or might not avoid repeating the incident of their shift last time, out of reasons other than respect for Julien, which Julien is pretty sure he has.  But he doesn't feel shame about it.

.....The fact that Julien feels shame but not jarred is probably a decent sign that most of his bad-feelings about their previous switch is backlash.

Huh.

So, he feels?  Defiantly... not bad??  About that???  That's what Bug would be feeling, he's pretty sure, and - if this is backlash, then it's not wrong to feel that way, at least a little.  But he really doesn't seem to have access to that emotion.  It doesn't feel like it's his job to, his role.  Like if he could manage to feel it he would necessarily already be Bug, or become him in that instant.

He - puts on a smile.  It's not a good one.  Not for this situation, at least.  Heeee's going to have a breakfast of delicious eggs, and he's going to enjoy them?  He's going to bother to put an amount of salt on them that's tasty to him?  He's going to.... demand juice, and maybe some more cookies or ice cream or something??

The issue is that none of that sounds appealing, because he has a giant spiraling void acting as his ceiling and perhaps walls, and it turns out it's really difficult to enjoy certain things with that looming over you.

So what's something he'd actually enjoy.  .....Nothing.  No, that can't be true, come on, Julien you.

He likes being guided?  And cuddling with Haru.  Separately from the first thing.  This is maybe a bad sign of some kind but he's going to IGNORE it, and not just because he should wait to bring it up until Haru is released from any obligation towards him and can abandon him without maybe feeling like a terrible person or something.  Instead it will be... because.... there's nothing inherently wrong with feeling affection for someone??  - Right, okay, this is like the scalp scritches.  Bug backed Julien into a corner, there, because he gave examples proving that getting their hair played with wasn't usually anything sexual, so if Julien had objected to it, it would have been a sign that there was something perverted and wrong about how he thinks about Haru specifically.  Which isn't even true, he doesn't think.  Otherwise he would have objected to it anyway, because deceiving people is wrong.

The thing is that Julien feels bad about this, about having been trapped in such a way, and Bug feels good about it.  Smug.  But Julien doesn't only feel bad about it, because in fact the scritches were extremely good.  So Bug did have kind of a good play, here.  It was a good idea, and he just needs to switch from feeling that in the third person to feeling it in the first.  He had a good idea.

He had a good idea, and it worked, and after several minutes telling himself this and other related grandiosities, sometimes whispered out loud to the mirror even though it makes him feel very stupid -

Something else works, too.

Downstairs he goes.  He deserves better than cold eggs, so obviously he should take the actions that avoid him getting any.

"Hello there. Ketchup?"

"Gross!  I'll take some hot sauce if you have it, though; good morning."