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in which karen teller saves expat fairy celegorm from zombies
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"I - like it when you're happy."

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"- do you want to kiss me, though?"

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"I mean - 

"It - would make me sad if I didn't get to, ever - "

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"I'm - really honestly not mad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -

- when - at first - you would touch me, it counted as something I was doing for you. And so I knew it was - I knew you wanted it. At the dance, and - "

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"Oh.

" - I didn't see it then, I didn't know it used to go the other way."

 

She wants to kiss him right now. But she wants to kiss him so that he will be reassured, and happy, and not worried about whether she likes him or will stop touching him soon, and given the rest of the conversation it occurs to her that this will probably not work correctly right now.

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"It's like - Christmas - uh, I mean, like, if you brought home a present for me every day and never wanted any presents, it wouldn't be that they weren't nice, or that I didn't like them, but - but the nice thing about Christmas is that I got you presents too?"

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Nodnod.

" - it's just, like - I can accept presents but I don't know how to tell if I wanthem?"

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"Huh. I don't think I find that hard, really."

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"Well.

 

" - do you want me to change anything, or - "

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"- do you think kissing me is helping you figure out what you want or is it just - a way of making sure I don't get mad or something -"

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" - I don't really know? I guess - it's not that I think you'll get mad, it's just, I told you I'd probably touch you, and - I want you to feel - happy, about how things are, and like I like you - which I guess doesn't work very well if the debt system is giving you some - mental info I can't even access about how much I secretly actually want to touch you, but I do like you - so - "

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"It's not that I think you don't like me. When it was going your way I still liked you. And liked the kissing. A lot."

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"Right but I don't - I don't know how to make it go my way."

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"I think it's like - are you thinking about how it'll make me feel or about how it'll make you feel."

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" - I don't really want to stop thinking about how things are going to make you feel?"

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"I mean it was the other way before so that amount of thinking about what I want is fine? - and I mean, any amount is fine, you can kiss me into more debt if that's what you want to do. Just - as long as it's what you want to do."

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" - well now I have no idea what that is, and there isn't an - unmarked option, really - "

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"I'm sorry."

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"I mean it's - I'm glad to know stuff about it, I'm just - confused about what I'm supposed to do with it. I think."

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"Yeah. I dunno. I won't be upset if you keep doing the same thing, or stop kissing me while you figure stuff out - or forever, if that's - if you figure out you don't want to -"

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"...I think that would make me sad."

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"Well. Then don't do that."

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"Okay.

" - do you want to kiss me, right now, maybe - I guess you usually want to kiss me - "

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"I want you to - have me. As someone on your side, who will help you, and be where you need them to be, and for you to touch, if you want to do that, including I guess if you only want to do that because it makes me happy but not if it's - hurting you to make me happy, like the spell -"

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- and there's that thing again, that happens sometimes, when he talks about being hers. Where she's weirdly aware of how hard it is to breathe and her heartbeat seems louder and she's pretty sure she's blushing, and every time it happens she thinks that it must be bad, or weird, or wrong, but apparently the other thing is too, and at least it'll make him happy - at least it feels like wanting something -

"Come here."

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