He's covering his face with both hands.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he repeats over and over until the word has stopped sounding like a word.

How? How could he? How could he do this? How could he act this way, how could he, he, how could he lie to his Tae-gun the way he has been, the way he does to everyone at all times? How could he lie to everyone at all times like he does, and manipulate them, and change their feelings, and make them experience things that aren't real?

Jaeha's a monster. That's monstrous. That's a horrible thing to do, and he's constantly doing it, and even now while he's thinking about how he's constantly doing it he's still doing it, his power is still active, he's still reaching for the warmth and safety of Tae-gun's feelings of concern for him. He doesn't know how to stop, he doesn't know how to not do that, he feels like he's going to drown in icy water. He feels like he deserves to drown, like he shouldn't be allowing himself to be warm.

He fucked up. He fucked up so much. He's been fucking up for years, and he's been massively fucking up for the past several months, and he knows exactly what he's going to do next and it's making him nauseous with fear to think about it but he has to, he has to even if it makes Tae-gun decide to end things with him forever, because Tae-gun deserves to end things with him forever if that's what he wants to do once he knows the truth.

Fuck!

"Hyung, what's wrong? What's happening?"

He looks at Tae-gun again, at those beautiful cobalt-blue eyes, and he crumbles. He pulls away, pulling his legs close to and under him, and kneels in front of Tae-gun, both hands in fists over his thighs and his gaze downcast.

"Tae-gun-ah—" Does Jaeha even have a right to call him that? "Tae-gun. I need to tell you something."

Fuck, he knows it was inevitable but he'd been avoiding it except now that he went and properly thought about it without hiding or looking away he just can't pretend anymore, can't lie to himself, and, fuck.

Well that's not anxiety-inducing or anything!!

He has no idea where to start. 

"I have no idea where to start."

Maybe at the beginning.

"Maybe at the beginning."

This is hard. This is so, so hard. He's stalling and he knows he's stalling but, but, but what can he do instead? Tell the truth? 

He's scared. He's really, really scared. 

"I'm scared. I'm really, really scared."

That does not make this any less confusing actually!!!

"What are you scared of?" Tae-gun tries, going for gentle and reassuring even though he's still kind of anxious. Those sentences there sound really heavy. "How can I help you, hyung?"

"God, Tae-gun, you're making this harder. You shouldn't be gentle and nice to me, I don't deserve it."

"...what do you mean?" Jaeha has been—perfect. The perfect gentleman, the perfect boyfriend, thoughtful and kind and nice and—why would he not deserve it?

What did he do?

"I, I've, fuck just, just give me a moment to think and, and prepare myself." Stalling, stalling, trying to figure out a way to escape, to run away, to not have to face his Tae-gun and have to confess everything. Even though he knows there's no escape and that he'll have to. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't.

"Okay." He can be patient, and he can sit on his anxiety and fear, and he can wait. He trusts his Jaeha. If nothing else is true, that much is.

...no! Why, why is he—

"Why are you feeling like that? Why are you, you, why are you extending me the benefit of the doubt—?"

"...because I like you. Because I trust you. Because you're you."

Goddamnit, Lee Tae-gun.

He really, really can't keep stalling.

"I lied to you about my backlash."

...what?

He takes a deep breath. Great timing, Kang Jaeha. Just amazing. Tae-gun just confessed to you, and you confessed to him, and you just had to have your moment of horrified realisation now. Couldn't you have waited a week, maybe? Or done it a week ago? Did it have to be now?

Time to face the music. Once he starts, he won't be able to stop, so he needs to—focus. Be objective. Clamp down on his rising fear and panic and, and, and just tell him everything.

Deep breath. He can do this.

"It's not anhedonia. Or it's not just anhedonia. I lose—a lot more than that. I lose—everything. I lose my emotions. I lose empathy. I become empty, I don't care about people, I don't care about myself, I don't care about anything. I don't feel remorse or guilt, and the bad, ugly emotions are the last to go. I can feel sad but not happy, I can feel angry but not calm, I can feel jealous but not satisfied. 

"And then those are gone, too."

Oh.

...that's not... so bad? It's not really that different from how Tae-gun had been modelling it, though the, it has some implications. He's... not enough of a people person to know what the implications are...

...well, at least one of the implications is obvious.

"You lied to me when you were backlashed, right?"

No, Jaeha can feel Tae-gun starting to rationalise it and he doesn't want Tae-gun to decide anything before he's heard the full story.

"And I never clarified it, even when I got more guided. Until now. But that's not all."

...okay...

"I lied to you about what my powers are, too. ...I lied to everyone about what my powers are. No one knows, but me."

...........okay........................

He extends his hand forward, palm up. "Put your hand on mine." He's still not looking at Tae-gun.

He does not like where this is going but he does as instructed.

"Please don't be startled. Lift it up slowly."

Okay...?