were the peak of my heyday
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"And what's that relationship, Tae-gun?"

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"We're par—oh." Oh, that. That...

That phrase does have some meanings, huh.

Uh.

Um.

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"Just partners? Nothing more? Strictly transactional?"

...his heart is. Making a noise. Of some kind. He'd been teasing but he's having some sort of reaction. And he's not some dumb BL protagonist who'll hear the ba-dum of his heart in such a situation and go, "gosh, what's this?" It does take him a second but only a second to realise that when your heart starts going ba-dum when you make a joke about a romantic relationship that has some implications about your feelings.

The thing that's tripping him up there is that 'feelings' bit.

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"Well... I mean... yeah...?"

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"Yeah? So if I said I didn't want to be just your partner, what would you say?"

Ba-dum.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

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"I don't know? I. I need to think. Um."

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He doesn't like that response. He doesn't like that at all. He's—feeling something, something he does not want to be feeling, and actually it feels like this is going very very wrong.

Why is he feeling that way?

He needs to think.

He should stop Tae-gun and undo—

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...no?

No, he. He's not going to undo it, actually.

Why not?

He should undo it. He should undo it because he needs certainty, he should undo it because if Tae-gun comes down on the wrong side then it'll be a lot harder to get him on the right side later, because he could spend some more time getting Tae-gun convinced and then ask the question and...

...and he doesn't want to. Besides, even if he did, he lost his timing, he can't grab that memory anymore, it's been too long, but also he doesn't want to.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

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Tae-gun is too busy with his own internal struggle to notice Kang Jaeha's, but his own heart is doing its fair share of ba-dums.

He's also not stupid.

He has a "mild crush" on Kang Jaeha, but... a relationship? It's only been a couple of weeks.

A relationship? This soon? He was just saying that he barely knows Kang Jaeha.

A relationship? Him? Him and Kang Jaeha? Him and Kang Jaeha spending time together? Going on dates, doing things together, things other than fucking in their silo? Watching movies, sharing book recs, chatting about nothing at all, those stupid things from books and webcomics and movies that suddenly don't sound stupid at all even though he barely knows this man? Even though he wants to?

Ba-dum.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

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Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

He grabs a glass of water. His face is doing something, and he realises that there was a moment there that he let slip, a moment to say something silly, to make fun of the situation. To make it light. He let it slip, and it got serious, and he can hear Tae-gun's heartbeat, and Tae-gun can hear his.

He drinks some water.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

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"What... would that... entail. Exactly."

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"I don't know!" he says—whoops, that was a bit more forceful than he intended, that's not—

—he doesn't undo. He doesn't undo.

Ba-dum.

"I don't know. I've never dated anyone before." It feels pathetic. It feels so pathetic to be 25 and not ever have dated anyone before and he didn't care before but suddenly he does. God, maybe he is a stupid BL protagonist. He's about to say a stupid BL protagonist line and he can't even stop himself. "But I'd like to find out. With you."

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.......aaaaaaa????

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"...can I... call you Tae-gun-ah?"

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Ba-dum ba-dum ba-DUM BA-DUM BA-DUM—

"Y-yeah."

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Yes!

"And... do you want to call me hyung?"

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This is stupid. This is so so so stupid. So stupid. He calls Juheon and Si-yeon hyung! Why is this different! This makes no sense!!!!!

"I. I can. Um. H-hyung. Jaeha-hyung."

BADUM BADUM BADUM BADUM BADUM BADUM

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Yeah it does make absolutely no fucking sense. No sense at all.

"Tae-gun-ah?"

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"Y-yes, h-hyung?"

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"Kiss me."

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Aaah.

"Yes, hyung." He's kissed Kang Jaeha plenty of times. Why is this different? Why does this feel different?

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

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There aren't fireworks, because fireworks are when they're both backlashed and fuck like rabbits. This is something different.

Ba-dum. Ba-dum.

Alright he gets it can you please fucking stop.

Ba-dum.

Whatever.

He pulls away and looks into Tae-gun's eyes. "I'm boring. I'm really, really boring. I don't have interests, because nothing ever interests me. I don't have hobbies, I don't do anything in my spare time. I'd call it depression but it's backlash. Maybe they're the same thing. But there isn't anything for you to know, anything I can tell you that you can share with your friends about me. I'm... going to need to make myself, for you."

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"You said you didn't like horror movies."

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Blink.

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"Was that a lie?"

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