I do run off a lot.

And that's a silly rule, especially here.

Yeah.

I really hope you're right and I'm normal with practice.

Hug.

It's okay if you're not, too, at least as far as I'm concerned. But if you want that, I hope it happens for you.

He'd be so happy.

I'm more worried about you being happy. Trying to be something you're not can be really awful.

Yeah. But disappointing everyone is awful too.

She looks really, deeply upset, and takes a minute or so to pull herself back together.

There are some things that really, really aren't worth it, even if people will be disappointed about them. And trying to change what you are is one of those, you can hurt yourself so badly trying to do that. Another few seconds pass while she gets her breathing back under control. Remember when I said there are some things that are worse than death? That is one, at least sometimes.

 For you, maybe. I really don't want to die. 

Her hands are shaking too badly for her to keep eating.

That doesn't make it less bad.

I didn't mean to scare you.

There is a hug. It contains non-negligible amounts of clinging.

That's a very, very scary thing. And I hope you never do it, I think it'd hurt me very badly to even know you'd tried.

I still don't understand why.

She considers, winces, considers some more, shudders, and then explains, trembling.

I did something like that, when I was a little older than you. And it hurt me very, very badly - I almost died - and it took me a very long time and a lot of help to be okay again afterward. Even now I'm not completely okay. And I care about you a lot, and I don't want you to get hurt at all, and if you get hurt that way I might not even be able to help you.

It's - she takes so long to continue that it seems like she might not at all. Doing that doesn't work. It can look like it does, it can feel like it does, but it doesn't. You still are what you are, and you still need what you need, you just end up... ignoring that. Not believing it, pretending it isn't true and fighting yourself and anyone who sees that it is. She shudders. So not getting what you need hurts, and fighting hurts worse, and, just... It's not worth it. Not ever.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. You didn't know, and I'll be all right. It's just really upsetting to think about. It's not your fault.

What were you trying to pretend to be?

Not a person.

He hugs her.

Why would anyone want you to not be a person? That's evil.

Sigh.

Tigerfolk think kobolds aren't people to start with, because we don't talk. They didn't understand I was a person to be hurt by how they were treating me, they didn't think they were doing anything wrong.

And so you decided to try not being a person?

I don't think so, not exactly. I don't remember it very well. But trying to be a person when everyone around me thought I shouldn't be and got upset when I was was hard, and hurt, and after a while I just stopped trying.

Hugs. Did they ever learn?

Headshake, lean. Tigerfolk don't stay in one place very long; they left me behind when they left and I found my way back to my tribe and never saw them again. I did start going to other tigerfolk tribes later, when I was an adult, and showing them that we are people, though.

That's good. How?