And the zoo director makes Petunia a cup of strong, sweet tea and apologises over and over again, but that's it for them. Back to the car.

By which time Dudley's certain the snake nearly bit off his leg and Piers insists it tried to squeeze him to death.

Yeah that's not going to help.

They get home and by then Vernon's playing along with Dudley and Piers' adventure story. The boy's parents arrive to pick him up soon after, and then he turns his previously concealed fury back to Dorea.

"Go—cupboard—stay—no meals."

Petunia runs over to the kitchen to get him some brandy.

She swishes off to her cupboard with as much dignity as she can muster.

The snake managed to escape the zoo, and that earns her her longest-ever punishment. By the time she's allowed out of the cupboard for anything other than school the summer holidays have started and Dudley has already broken his new video camera, crashed his remote control airplane, and, first time out on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs. Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her crutches.

The biggest problem with summer holidays is, of course, that Dudley's gang visits every day: Piers, Dennis, Malcolm, and Gordon, each bigger and stupider than the last, and Dudley, being the biggest and stupidest of the lot, is of course their leader. They mostly give Dorea a wide berth, but when she's around they make loud remarks about the smell and wonder if something died around there. They seem to find this joke hilarious no matter how many times they've made it.

Boys are the worst. She doesn't dignify their remarks with any kind of reaction.

In September, though, they're all going to secondary school. Dudley and Piers have been accepted to Uncle Vernon's old private school, Smeltings, but Dorea's going to Stonewall High, the local state high school. Dudley finds this hilarious.

"They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he tells Dorea. "Want to come upstairs and practice?"

"Don't be silly, Dudley, I'm a girl. Boys are the ones who stoop to infantile altercations of that sort."

"—what?" he says, taking a while to parse that.

Yeah she's not gonna wait around for him to figure it out.

One day in July Aunt Petunia takes Dudley to London to buy his uniform and leaves Dorea at Mrs. Figg's, who seems to have lost some of her erstwhile fondness for her cats given that she broke her leg tripping over one.

Aww, that's a pity. Dorea still likes you, kitties.

That evening, Dudley parades around the living room for the family in his brand-​new uniform. Smeltings' boys wear maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers, and flat straw hats called boaters. They also carry knobbly sticks, used for hitting each other while the teachers aren't looking. This is supposed to be good training for later life.

Dudley looks horrible, of course, but Dudley always looks horrible, so.

There's a horrible smell in the kitchen the next morning when Dorea goes in for breakfast. It seems to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink.

...This is kind of alarming!

The tub seems to be full of what looks like dirty rags swimming in gray water.

Aunt Petunia walks into the kitchen and doesn't spare the tub a glance.

Oh...kay...

Dudley and—

—Uncle Vernon come in, wearing identical expressions of disgust. Uncle Vernon opens his newspaper as usual and Dudley bangs his stick on the table as he's been wont to do lately.

Yeah this seems like a good day to attract as little attention as possible.

They have possibly been informed of the source of the smell, because they don't complain. When he's done with breakfast they hear the click of the mail slot and the flop of letters on the doormat.

"Get the mail, Dudley," says Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.

"Make Dorea get it."