"I mean getting stuck in 'I'm bad' and 'this means I'm not valid about that' and 'it's not okay that I like this' and 'she's going to hate me or disbelieve me or be disgusted now' and similar bullshit."

"... Oh."

She rubs the back of her head. 

"... I guess I am. Sorry."

Hailey huffs and pokes Sin firmly on the sternum. "Don't apologize for it. That just reinforces it, and besides you're not hurting anyone but yourself with it. Tell us so we can hug you about it, dork."

"I just... the Patriot Church people, they talk about autogynephila and shit and say that — trans people are all sex perverts and get off on being women. And that describes me. I am a sex pervert who gets off on being a woman. And that's just..."

She looks down at herself. "It makes you wonder if the other things they say are true too. That I'm deluded. Sick. Wrong. That there's something broken in my brain that makes me act like this. And... in the worst case, you know, that I should actually die for it. You know the doctrine."

"Those assholes are the proverbial stopped clock. They got lucky and found one girl who kinks on it, but they doesn't mean a single other fucking thing they say has any validity. The entire basis of their bullshit runs on sex-shaming and pleasure-shaming and the naturalistic fallacy."

"I know I should believe that. It's the safe thing to believe. The comforting thing to believe. But..." 

She tears up. "It's hard enough to believe I'm worth it without wondering if they're right."

... She needs to get herself under control. 

She slots her basic meditation skill over the healing bolt in what is quickly becoming her utility slot, and throws herself into it for a long moment. She walks slow, rhythmically. Even steps, supported by her staff.

It helps. 

"... What I mean to say is... I was raised to believe in truth. Not just what people preach, not just listening to authorities. Actually looking at the evidence. And the evidence I have on the fact of the matter in my case is closer to the Patriot Church's model than anything I've ever heard advanced by a pro-trans advocate."

She shakes her head. "That doesn't mean the patriot church is right. They could be taking a true piece of evidence to a completely wrong conclusion as they so constantly and obviously do. But I'm not able to just dismiss the question because that's wilfully ignoring evidence. The data I have is not in accord with either side's testimony. So I'm left in the dark trying to find my own way."

Hailey nods thoughtfully. "I can respect the truth-seeking there. Let's look at it this way. They're against polyamory, homosexuality, trans acceptance, and the worst ones are even against sex outside that's not for procreation and ever questioning scripture or pastors. The cited reasoning in all cases is that it's 'unnatural and against scripture'. What's the common thread between all these things? Also, you're familiar with the naturalistic fallacy, right?"

"Yes, I'm familiar. And I acknowledge the point. It's just... I don't want to be stuck pretending that my life went the way that the trans advocates would like it to be. I don't want to become a weapon in the Patriot Church's hands, but at the same time I don't want to pretend my reasons were clean and sanitary and good. My reasons were a mess. I just feel that society's not yet ready to accept "Yes, I am a sex pervert, and I am going to live my life in accordance with the kink role I prefer, and anyone who disagrees can get bent" as a real, serious proposition, you know?

She huffs at the thought of society's predictable reactions and nods. "Yeah, they likely aren't ready to accept that. And too bad for them. What would it mean for there to be a true distinction between valid and invalid reasons to be trans, though? How would that world look different from one in which 'invalid reason to be trans' wasn't a coherent idea?"

"... You've got me there. I just worry. Keeping this secret is hard, and living in the meat sack has been harder, and there are times when I just want to put everything down and hide."

Hyacinth leans a little against Hailey. 

"I just want to be able to be my true self. But it feels like no matter where I go I'm an outcast."

Hailey squeezes Hyacinth a bit tighter. "Sable would probably say something sappy here like 'we'll never cast you out', which, while true, is hopelessly sugary. I'll simply say that we'll be fucking outcasts together if we have to, and the rest of society can kiss my ass."

Hyacinth closes her eyes for a moment, and nods. 

"Alright."

Then she smirks. "We're so doomed."

Hailey snickers and shakes her head. "Yep. Unbelievably doomed. Completely gone over each other. No hope. Give up now."

"Is it cool if I say I love you then?"

Hailey blushes, her breath catching. "Um. Yes. Yes, it is."

A beat.

"...We do too, by the way. Well, Sable and I are the only ones who've spent enough time with you directly to know for sure, but the others are pretty fond of you so far."

"Yeah, I figured it'd be more complicated for you all. But..." She smiles. "You're the first people in my life I've been able to talk about all this with without even a trace of fear. I'm going to get a house with you and be your sister and your lover and your girlfriend and... a lot of things."

She grins at Hailey. "Way, way, waaaaaay too late to back out now."

"Oh no, whatever shall we do," Hailey teases with a grin.

"Be exceedingly happy until the servers shut down in another twentysomething years, probably."

"And hopefully find other servers to live on by then." She shakes her head, smiling wryly. "What's wrong with me, I'm cheerful and happy, this'll ruin my bitchy reputation."

"My dastardly scheme is working perfectly!"

Mock despair twists her face. "Oh no! I'm ruined! I will never recover from this betrayal!" She buries her face in her hands and fake-sobs.

Hyacinth can't help it, she cracks up.

Hailey stops the fake sobs and grins, giving Sin a hip-bump. "Heh."