I have hobbies. Kind of. He likes math. It just doesn’t really feel like achieving anything.

To have projects which feel like accomplishments.

There was one thing I wanted to accomplish but now it’s done. I don’t know if I can accomplish anything without getting myself in order first. Maybe if I figure out how to... figure out how things are in general... then maybe I’ll have ideas?

That sounds like a good place to start. You'd need to have an idea of how things are, and how they could be instead.

Yep. That feels like a less impossible task lately but still not doable. He knew about the last huge problem because it affected him and he thinks he'd catch on faster if it happened again but it isn’t happening again. If there are horrible things they aren’t hurting him, and it’s not that he doesn’t care about faraway strangers, it’s just that he doesn’t really have beliefs about them. If he hears about them secondhand then what he hears could be a lie; likewise if he talks to them on the internet. Even visiting a town doesn’t mean much; they could be actors, and even if not, it makes no sense for any but the smallest problems.

Actually, there could have been fewer people in torment than he thought; he doesn’t think he saw all of them. So maybe solving problems that might only affect a few people wouldn’t be that different, so maybe that’s a fine way to pick causes.

He still isn’t any good at coming up with solutions but maybe if he circles back to the idea of accomplishing things or helping people later, once he’s gotten some experience solving a few of his own problems, it will make more sense. Except that pining for lack of meaningful things to do might actually be the biggest problem he has and can't solve on his own.

Is there a skill you could practice that would feel constructive toward solving this?

I think to practice it I'd have to sort of get how to do it already... I think maybe I sort of know how to notice problems and wonder if I could solve them now. But then actually solving them is harder... I don’t know, what do you think?

When I can't make progress on something without having already made more progress with it, usually I need to break it into smaller pieces. Noticing problems is one such piece.

What else is there... how do people come up with ideas for solutions? It looks easy when Nocawe and Ashkon do it but I can’t pull it off like they can and I can’t tell if that’s because they have more resources and know more about what’s available or if they have some kind of skill specifically for noticing how those things can be used to solve problems - or if they just know how to solve a bunch of specific problems I happen to have had...?

You could ask them.

Yeah. I should do that.

I hope to hear how it goes when next you come here, if you come back.

I think I will. I think I understand some things now that I didn't before.

Afterward - well, mostly he doesn’t do much. Gets Ashkon's commentary on the session. Eventually he tries to look up the policies of Hereafter Reunions and ends up distracted by the discovery that Vanda Nossëo has Christian churches. What is it doing with those? How can people be Christian here? And now?

He wonders if he could be again. He probably couldn't. Maybe he doesn't even want to be. He's not very sure God even exists. But it feels - sort of similar to what he and Colindo talked about, about family. It would feel less uncanny for a priest who is literally a stranger to be a stranger.

Search term: "how to be reconciled to the church"

Search term: "rite of reconciliation schedule"

Surely there's an option that doesn't overlap with any of Ashkon's classes.

The first Catholic church listed has reconciliation from 3:00 to 4:00 on Fridays and 10:45 to 11:30 on Sundays, or by appointment. A student center offers every third Wednesday of the school year, 7:00-9:00 PM, except during finals. A hospital chapel says "Thursdays after 8" but doesn't specify AM or PM, and also it hasn't been updated in the last five years. 

He vaguely feels like a church would be better than some other kind of institution and he's frankly still kind of sour on the idea of interacting with a school other than by watching Ashkon's classes. He finds one whose schedule works. He downloads a text-to-speech app in case his voice decides to be AWOL for it which it probably will. He thinks through what should prompt him to cut and run.

He goes by himself.

The church is quiet on a Friday afternoon. The coffee urns in the vestibule are empty; a middle-aged woman on a stepstool is switching out a felt banner with colorful handprints for one with an appliqued dove. The illustration of a thermometer, drawn on butcher paper and mounted above a coffee can to track fundraising progress for a new roof, is shaded in a third of the way with red crayon.

There's a few people sitting on a bench outside the confessionals. A young father soothes a baby while a toddler clinging to his pants leg tries to fit her entire fist in her mouth; the boy next to him, in a rumpled school uniform, looks about nine. A couple of middle-aged women are glowering in his general direction, with what could be either personal judgement or deep contemplation of their sins. Another man is kissing his rosary repetitively and muttering to himself.

It’s terrifying and not really much like his distant untrustworthy memory of a little church in a little village. He can sit on a bench, though. That’s fine. He sits there consciously choosing to stay calm.

After a little while, a young woman clutching a missal bedecked with colorful post-it notes emerges from the confessional, and the young father takes her place. The toddler, left behind, bawls; the nine-year-old thrusts a board book in her general direction.

The father only takes a couple of minutes, and the nine-year-old, when his turn comes, is even quicker. The middle-aged women take what must be fifteen minutes apiece. Then there's the last man; and then it's his turn.

He... might be able to make himself talk to the priest, but, look, he's got some stuff conveniently written up and can make his computer do it and that sounds easier. At least for obvious things.

"I don't know if it's too late for this since I have already died and gone to Hell and I'm honestly skeptical about whether I can or should be blessed. It has been about five hundred eighty or so years since my last confession. Should I go away because I'm already damned?"

The priest interrupts himself in the middle of a rapidly muttered introductory prayer to say "--no, please, stay."

Cool. He has also written up all the sins he can remember. Probably. It has been a really long time since he was remotely justified in being even slightly confident that he knows what counts.

"I don't confidently remember which things are sins but I briefly looked it up online so maybe I've got them all. I also don't necessarily remember what I've done correctly because I was subject to a sustained campaign of sleep deprivation and gaslighting aimed at destroying my memory. With those caveats, I have an attempt at a list of sins.

"I have missed Mass consistently for about five hundred eighty years and in the last few years I've taken the attitude that God kind of sucks since he never answers any of my prayers and that seems at odds with being close to him. I mostly stopped praying a long time ago but I don't know how many years ago. I have thought that his sacrifice wasn't good enough as long as anyone was still in Hell and I have wanted to nail him back on the cross in case it helped. I led others astray and taught them falsehoods. I have helped demons and I don't mean the nice people who make things. I don't do anything nice for anyone anymore because the last time I tried to do anything nice for anyone I listened to demons about what kinds of things might be nice and that turned out badly. I had a hobby while I knew that people were suffering and thought I could help them. I have broken people's fingers and ripped their fingernails off. I have asked and ordered others to torture people for me. I glared at someone for being too cheerful. I let demons teach me about right and wrong. I felt affection for demons. I went to America without permission, initially on the orders of demons, and then decided to stay so I could hide from the demons there. While I was hiding, I panhandled. I couldn't read my own sign but it was represented to me that it implied that I needed cash rather than food because I had difficulty eating because I didn't have a tongue and it implied that I would be buying special food. I in fact didn't have a tongue but I didn't need to eat and didn't buy food. I bought coffee and socks and gave most of the rest of my money away to people that others might have been more reluctant to give money to. Someone made a comment that I thought might have implied that they thought I was a veteran of the American military and I didn't correct them or return their money. In general while panhandling I did not clarify that I was damned and not deserving of help. I got off several times and I had bad thoughts, mostly about women, and sometimes that was visible to people who might rather not have been able to guess. I think I've crossdressed but figuring out when I did that and whether I've previously confessed it isn't possible for me right now. I've started eating lembas even though I don't need to because I'm happier when I don't feel hungry and my Yeerk friend likes my body better that way and I don't know if that's a sin. If it's not a sin then maybe fasting for about five hundred eighty years was a sin. Lately I've been helping someone else learn magic."

"...okay."

The priest sounds a little shaky. But he coughs and goes on, and his voice sounds steadier.

"You've been through a lot. What brings you back to the church?"

That is not really a question he has a good answer for. Certainly not one he’s already put into words.

Probably having wondered if it was worth his time isn’t an acceptable answer.

"It’s one of the things they took away from me and it’s easier to get back than my family because I don’t have to remember or still love it."

"You'll always be welcome in the house of God. You are His beloved child."