Did you remember them?

He almost says no. He catches himself.

I remembered something different. Than what she remembered, I mean. I think. Or something. I didn’t recognize her.

Most people's memories shift and warp over time, especially with nothing propping them up.

Yeah. I - don’t entirely know if I’d trust it but I really want one of those necklaces. Vyn didn’t seem to think that was a good idea but I don’t think Vyn really had a good idea of what was up with me.

The necklaces aren't selective. It's up to you if you want to seek one out. The recommendation was probably about the possibility that remembering Hell in more detail would be worse.

He hides his thoughts and starts laughing bitterly.

It wouldn’t. They - do you want to see - I mean, I want to show you but I try to make that kind of thing opt-in.

Please feel free.

It feels like he can't understand anything and needs to give up and believe what he's told. It feels like everything he sees is a lie. It feels like he can't trust himself to come to the right answer to any question that isn't a math problem and even some that are - he remembers being slapped and looking back down at a page and seeing that his answer is wrong because the numbers in the problem are not the ones he thought he read there -

And it's not just that. They named him Yves and Charles and David and Ealhswith - someone asked him if he was the Ealhswith and he wasn't, he didn't even speak English at the time and had to try a dozen times to pronounce it right - and Sun-ja and Dazhu and he has no idea how many others anymore. He couldn't list them if he wanted to. Supposedly there was a name he liked once; he doesn't remember that. He must have had a birth name once; he doesn't remember that either. He doesn't know who he's been.

He knows deep in his bones that if he makes a friend they will be taken away and he'll never see them again. He can't remember not knowing that, except insofar as he's tentatively hopeful about things being different now. He can't remember learning it, can't remember which friends he didn't realize he would lose forever, but they must have existed.

And whatever good not remembering everything perfectly is doing him isn't enough because he still remembers the worst of it, or maybe doesn't, maybe he's just made something up in his imagination but - this is a bad idea, he knows it's a bad idea, but look at the clarity with which he can still feel the spikes everywhere any of his weight rests and the tight straps pressing him against them and the almost physical grip of terror as he realizes that the angel isn't anywhere close to done with him and it's going to get worse -

Perhaps you would benefit from such a necklace. I think they can be borrowed more cheaply than they can be owned.

...Necklace...? Right, yes, they were talking about necklaces, here in Tol Eressëa which is where he is right now. He would hate to have to give one back if he liked it but whatever. Maybe he’ll save up. Maybe they should pop the stack and get back to, uh...

Your family. Do you think you would be willing to try joining them for some time if you remembered them? If you didn't?

If I remembered them it’d depend on what I remembered. I... don’t see why I’d want to otherwise but I guess maybe if it made them happy.

People who don't have families, or whose first families cannot act in that way towards them any more, form new ones. You are in the curious position of being potentially able to form a new family with your old family.

He is now familiar enough with computers for his response to literally include the emoji 🤔.

Colindo waits for him to put together a more complete thought.

I don’t know, this person I talked to seemed like she really wanted me to have... continuity? Like she wanted me to say I remembered things I didn’t remember and... I don’t know.

It’s hard to put it into words but he has a sense that there’s no reason he would selfishly rather try to be her family than anyone else’s, just reasons to think that might make her happier. Or something. Maybe not even happier, maybe just less guilty if she thinks he’s okay, and he doesn’t really want to try to be close with someone who needs him to seem okay like that. But maybe that’s not what’s up with her.

Some people put a lot of value on their families being the same ones they started with, or at least including those people. Not everyone.

Well, that's kind of the thing about not remembering them very well. Or about them having changed and forgotten things. Or both. Whatever it is that should make them the family he started with, or would make him able to really believe they’re the family he started with, isn’t there. He’s kind of politely humoring the claim that they are but he has no actual evidence.

So it sounds like your way forward would be clearer if you remembered, or at least had some time in which you remembered so as to be able to make plans.

Yeah. He checks his notes. Is there a less boring way to be useful than making magic jewelry?

With a full time Yeerk? I'm not sure. It would have to be something you could do solely telepathically.

And not something that takes expertise I don’t have. Maybe something I could do while Ashkon is swimming but it seems like... with replicators and stuff, I guess there’s not much reason to take up weaving or something... I don’t have ideas to share... I could learn to program games.

Would you find that enjoyable?

Maybe. He doesn’t really feel excited about it but he’s had a lot of pleasant surprises lately and it’s left him optimistic. And it’s not like there’s an option he’s enthusiastic about.

I'm told it's a slow learning curve, but it is often very stabilizing and fulfilling to have a hobby.