"I think the thing I was actually tired of was being reminded that if I had patience and respect for authority and the energy to put into boring interactions with stupid people then I would have the resources I needed to save the world - and that I hadn't any of those, and couldn't even invent a bot to have them for me -"

Hug.

Hug. 

"So is this the part where you help me get calibrated on where relative to kissing anything to do with hair, uh, is?"

"We might possibly have to discover that by experimentation, I, uh, got spirited to another dimension in a magical accident before I was old enough for Elf sex ed. Also we might not have invented it yet."

"...invented what, sex ed? Sounds like a problem. I guess less of one depending on how applicable some of the psychometabolism stuff is and how typically, um, fluffy, Elves are personalitywise."

"...I don't follow. We can't have children by accident, if that's what you mean."

"Humans also have sexually transmitted diseases and a nonzero rate of ever raping each other, which are things that sex ed covers. More the first than the second. By a lot. I'm not sure off the top of my head if my health teacher actually mentioned the second thing, it was more anatomy diagrams and banana-based prophylactic demos and How About You Wait Until You Are Not In High School To Do More Than Hold Hands Please."

"There was a case by Cuivienen of someone forcibly marrying someone. It was horrible. I forget how they handled it. What I would presumably have been told at some point is what is definitely safe to do without getting married."

"...back up a bit?"

" - our marriage is the magical soul bond thing, not paperwork, right."

"I remember that part, yes."

" - how were you imagining the magic soul bonds picked their moment."

"I was imagining the parties involved were like, 'let's have a magic soul bond', 'okay', insert magical probably telepathic rigmarole of some kind here? Is it not that."

"That would be a really sensible way of doing it. I will suggest it to Eru. But no, it's automatic. When you have sex but I don't actually know what specifically counts."

"Uh."

"Means we shouldn't take any chances, I know."

"Like, the magic soul bond might not work on humans at all, let alone me, but. Like. Wow. This seems like it would make it hard to filter for compatibility except by having really awkward conversations and excellent foresight."

"Aren't there lots of human societies that don't have premarital sex?"

"Yes, mostly as a not-quite-vestigial-yet patch for the accidental pregnancy and disease transmission things. And with a significant rate of doing it anyway. But like, a lot of human societies make do with arranged marriages or a total ban on divorce for any reason or - whatever, that doesn't make those things necessarily conducive to good results on all the axes I care about?"

" - yeah, I might've been assuming that since it works for Elves and exists for humans it also works for humans when that's, uh, not how human institutions demonstrably work out."

"You did know for a fact kissing doesn't do it, right?"

"Yeah of course. Kissing definitely doesn't do it, hair petting doesn't do it but is disrecommended lest you get carried away. I wouldn't risk it by accident - even though I actually expect your opacity to screen it out -"

"It seems unlikely that it wouldn't, since it handles the necklaces and osanwë fine, but still. Bad to be wrong. What in the world does hair petting do that it can cause being carried away."

"- presumably the same thing as kissing but moreso?"