cool thank you!

Now time for him to read all of that again.

(Little heart.)

The first thing that he thinks about as he's rereading stuff is that he was freaking out adorably. He doesn't usually think of himself as adorable but he was definitely 100% being very adorable, there.

That may be just a way he's sublimating the horror and putting distance between himself and his past self. Maybe. Just a little bit.

Anyway.

He should probably... think harder about this whole femininity thing. He was sort of rolling with it, in retrospect, and taking it in stride, and he does remember a vague freakout about his face he had later on but he should actually stop and think.

"Shapeshifting genderfluid bishounen". He had that specific thought, and remarked to himself that it sure implies some things about his gender, but what things, exactly, does it imply about his gender?

Well, for one, that he'd be okay not being a boy all the time. And that is so obviously, painfully true he's kind of reeling from it. How did he never notice that? Whenever he saw those pictures of genderfluid tumblr users being incredibly good at makeup he thought that was just him being extremely bisexual but in retrospect there was some wistfulness, there. He, too, kind of wished he could just... be a girl sometimes. Or be super androgynous, be the kind of person people look at and think to themselves "I'm not sure if I'm attracted to them or intimidated by them or want to be them". It'd be hot and extremely, intensely ego-syntonic.

And he... couldn't. Not really. He's vain, and he's an aesthete, and he wants to do his aesthetics right, and the aesthetic of "guy in drag" isn't, like, an aesthetic he doesn't like but he really doesn't think he could pull off "girl" and "androgyne" well enough to his satisfaction. He's not doing facial feminization surgery, for one, and he does have a very masculine face: a prominent Adam's apple, a sharp strong jaw, chin dimples, thick eyebrows, the whole shebang. He loses weight and builds muscle easily, he has broad shoulders and veiny forearms, he has a deep voice, he can rock the male aesthetic very easily. He can rock the straight male aesthetic very easily, actually, it does (to his guilt and shame) kind of make him feel a little bit proud that he passes as het so much that everyone was shocked when he came out. He likes not being a stereotype of a gay man even while he at the same time thinks it's fine to be that stereotype and he will fight (and has fought) anyone who says that he's a "normal person" or "not like other gays" or who thinks flamboyant men are uncool. Flamboyant men are very cool, thanks very much, and femme men, and butch women, and, and just let people have their lives and their bodies and their personalities and stop thinking less of them just because they don't fit your neat little boxes.

...but he likes that he's so good at his chosen aesthetic. It may not be the only aesthetic he'd fit, in principle, but it's his, and he worked hard at it, he works hard at it, and to succeed at any other aesthetics he'd need to work equally hard at them to be satisfied with them and in the meantime he'd feel horribly dysphoric.

That's it, really. That's the whole problem. He'd love to be Astolfo, he'd love to be Faith Lehane, he'd love to be Willam Belli, he'd love to be pre-transition Andreja Pejić (or post-transition Andreja Pejić but he's specifically thinking about the androgynous look), but he would not love to be halfway towards Faith Lehane or a discount Astolfo that everyone knows is just a man in makeup. He wouldn't love being someone who is trying to be Andreja Pejić. And when he thinks about how much he'd like to wear a skirt he thinks about a guy skirt, a skirt that is being worn by a man, a skirt that would make his mom wrinkle her nose in the same way she wrinkles her nose at piercings but not in a way that makes her think he's a fag.

Not that she'd use or even think that word, he's pretty sure. Just, that's what she'd be thinking, that he's a faggot, that he's that person. And he will fight anyone who says it's not okay to be that person, including his mom, but when he thinks about being that person the thing that stops him is mostly having to explain to her and knowing she'd disapprove.

...man he sure does have some shit to talk to his mom about, huh. He should probably open with this gender stuff before he brings up all the magic, which he still has no idea how he'll do.

Well, that's a problem for future Peter.

It feels... wrong to him, though, the thought that there's a finite, discrete list of aesthetics he's Allowed. Hell, even an infinite discrete list of aesthetics feels wrong. In the Glorious Transhumanist Future he wanted to be able to shapeshift into an octopus, why are there any human aesthetics that he doesn't want to inhabit?

Well, he doesn't want to shapeshift into a giraffe. ...maybe once. Or a hippo, the idea of having such fucked-up teeth makes him cringe.

And does it matter? No, really, does it? His magic powers are going to let him straightforwardly reach the Andreja Pejić aesthetic without having to go through the awkward, dysphoric intermediate stages. And once he's tried some new shapes, he expects his brain will have sufficiently acclimated to the idea that he'll be willing to try some other, less comfortable shapes. There's no reason he has to be okay with being a hippo now, that he has to be willing to inhabit every possible aesthetic immediately. Trying to force his brain to System 1 accept something uncomfortable or unpleasant just because he doesn't see any System 2 reason why he shouldn't does not, actually, work. Not without a ton of work and effort that might well be more effectively applied later. And yeah part of this is a sort of motivated reasoning due to him, in fact, feeling uncomfortable with this unpleasant idea, but that doesn't mean it's not true. No, really, he thinks it is true. And even if it's not, at least later he'll know that it's not, he'll have tried the shapeshifting gig and found out that it wasn't enough to make his brain sufficiently malleable in that direction.

So, okay. He'll be Astolfo and he'll be Faith and he'll be Andreja and he'll be Willam and if there's anyone else he wants to be he can be them whenever he feels like it. This is his story, he's the Mary Sue here, and in his story he will in fact live forever. He's not sure if his author will but surely a new author will pick his story up once the original one has stopped being written. He doesn't, really, on a gut level, believe he'll ever die, and now he has even more reason to be convinced of that.

And he'll... take his sister up on the makeup. A little bit. To get used to the idea of looking himself in the mirror and seeing someone who's beautiful, rather than handsome.

Peter doesn't think there are any other major epiphanies to be had about the personal powers section (ahahahahahah that is such a doomed thought to think) but the Power of Friendship absolutely has some shit he'll need to work through. He's definitely not going to be entirely done with this today. But that's fine, he has time, and it would be a shit story if he got hit by truck-kun before he finalized his thoughts.

Hear that, author? Shit story. He's even mostly picked most of his powers already, you're not getting a ton of mileage out of this if you don't let him finish.

Anyway, Power of Friendship it is, and right off the bat he has something he wants to ask the notebook about.

okay, I got to the part where we talked about the Power of Friendship and how I prefer for things to have less rather than more mind control and you had said you wanted me to tell you which powers I wanted to change to be like that

and I didn't mention Mysterious Allure but that's one that I'd like to have that change applied to, if possible?

And he'll resume rereading their conversation and the other options with half an eye while he waits for the notebook to reply.

Of course! ♡

thank you! does anything change about its description and/or cost? it doesn't explicitly mention mind control, but, you know

The description and cost stay the same, but it won't work quite as consistently.

aces, thank you

Moving on!

His thoughts about mind control and Agree to Agree: excellent. Good job, past Peter, he's glad to see that a single day isn't enough to make you seem unreasonable and insane. And the modified "Backchannel" version of the power is also excellent. Best notebook.

But now, the very first source of problems in this list of powers: Love Interest, which was also modified to have less mind control. What fresh hell is he inflicting on himself this time, to borrow Viv's phrase?

...maybe none, actually? Honestly it's a lot less jarring as an epiphany, it's just kind of really obvious and makes a ton of sense of who he is as a person, knowing that he yearns for romantic connections he's never had, that he is a romantic and he really wants to, to have someone. Multiple someones, he's pretty sure he's obligate poly. And, and yeah, the modified version of the power does mean that he still may have unrequited crushes, which are pure garbage and he hates them and he always has like five of those active at any given time so he's sort of used to the background misery they cause and at least the power will make him have fewer of those. Which is all he can ask for, really.

(Don't ask him why he has a crush on Nate. Nate is, objectively, terrible dating material. He nevertheless does, and he nevertheless really wants to kiss Nate and let's not dwell on that for now, please.)

Next next next no insights here and then I Can Fix Them.

He's. He's taking it. He knows he is. He just, just...

...he's already had the required epiphany, it just feels really final to check that checkmark there, even if his powers aren't yet finalized. He flips some pages forward to reread his conversation with the notebook re. that power and then writes:

so I'm not 100% yet on all of the details of I Can Fix Them that I want to change, and really I'm probably gonna take several days to settle on everything because i want to be responsible and make sure i won't wake up a week from now wanting to hit my head against the wall because i forgot something really important

but i want to take this power, i'm definitely going to

and given everything we talked about, do you have an idea of updated costs and/or an updated description for that one? i'd be i guess i wouldn't be that surprised if there weren't any changes to cost given how much the Spirit likes this power but you seemed to think that the description definitely would, given that i'm not willing to go ham on it as deeply and as far as the Spirit wants me to, even though there are some aspects of mind alteration i am okay with in this specific case

Let me think about that... ⏳

I think I have an updated description based on what we've discussed so far, but of course you'll have to tell me if you think of more things you want to specify.

Name: I Can Fix Them - Cost: 5 ☐
Regardless of how lost to darkness someone is, your love can save them, if they're willing to accept it.
This power will not directly alter someone's mind except to allow them to believe a true thing they couldn't have believed otherwise, or to change something that their pre-alteration and post-alteration selves would hypothetically be able to agree was good if they talked it over honestly with full access to each other's perspectives. In cases where the outcome of the hypothetical is uncertain, it will default to not making the change.

best notebook. best notebook.

Tiny hearts all over those words.

Alright, next, he still doesn't want the sex ones especially given that he's definitely going to have to either get rid of some powers or take some more drawbacks to get back in the green so he shouldn't be taking any more powers, and he just straightforwardly agrees with his past self's decisions here.

And then Fated Lovers FUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU he's taking it. Just. Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you why is this notebook trying so hard to make him start crying. He knows why he's feeling like crying and it's the same reason he felt like crying with Love Interest which is that he is. A fucking. Doomed romantic sap. He wants to be loved, goddamnit, and he wants to love someone, and he is absolute pure shit at being single. Pure shit. Being single is awful. And he's even more in the red now. Fuck this fucking notebook ugh.

(Sorry notebook he loves you he doesn't mean it he's just. UGH.)

Sense of Style and Bonus Style points: that's seven whole points into the red that don't... necessarily... like it's not like he cares about what other people look like so much...

...but it would feel mean to not take them now, when this means that other people also get shapeshifting powers that are guaranteed to make them feel happier in their own skin. Ugh. He'll think about this later. There are other powers he can get rid of if he truly needs to.

The Friends In X Places suite, on the other hand, is a better candidate of powers to not take. He actually just straightforwardly trusts in his ability to figure all of that out himself, especially if the plot needs him to, especially especially with Backchannel in his corner. He'll think about that once he's done going through all of the powers. On to Drawbacks.

Decorative: he might as well take it, it's not that bad in the end and it's a point.

Beauty Is A Curse: yeah he's taking it. Sure it's only one point but his ego is more massive than his future Astolfo monster cock, actually.

Plain Jane: still no.

Style of Sisyphus: honestly, kind of fun, he'll take it.

There's Another One: ...still wary of other mind-controlling Mary Sues but given what he now knows about how I Can Fix Them trumps all he is a lot less wary. But not yet, he doesn't think.

Green With Envy, You Ruin Them, and Jilted Lovers are still super no.

The Crazy Train: but what if he wants to be a Mary Sue Twilight dhampyr. What then. ...he'll think about it.

They'll Know: yeah.

Realism: also still no.

So he's three points in the red are there any three-point perks he'd be okay getting rid of he flips back the pages and oh. Yeah. Inner Strength. Sure, whatever, he doesn't give a shit, with DFEW he'll eventually get that anyway. Then he gets rid of Friends In High Places so that he's three points in the green and so that he can get rid of Decorative and Beauty Is A Curse because he wants to be able to ugly cry and he doesn't want to workshop a version of Beauty Is A Curse that doesn't have mind control that sounds like such a headache. And finally, thinking some more about it, he decides to take Friends In High Places again and to instead get rid of Immunity System; if he's going to get poisoned or sick then it'll be in service of the plot and he is, actually, fine with that, and having the Friends suite seems overall more useful.

okay! i think this has been a good review of powers and I've got a good baseline to get started.

I'm glad! ♡ I was a little worried when you took Beauty Is A Curse because it's pretty hard to make that one not mind-affecting without giving up the point, but then you un-took it.