Nov 12, 2019 2:52 AM
being dead is boring
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Being dead is so boring.

It is admittedly better than being stuck in contradictory oaths. That was... not good. She has pieced together that Macalaurë must've killed her and she is glad he did that.

But wow is this ever boring. Nothing feels like anything. Even her ability to think is somehow muffled when she can't quite call to mind what sounds were, what warmth looked like, how it was to want things in her bones and fear things in the pit of her stomach and smile until her face hurt or scream till her throat burned. She had vaguely imagined she could compose music in her head - so to speak - but it turns out that this is infinitely more difficult without the ability to hum intervals or keep time, and it's impossible to keep minutes, let alone beats. She can sort of do lyrics, which come out like inane poetry absent melody to structure it and is rather embarrassing. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do and nobody to talk to except Mandos. So she talks to Mandos.

"Is my baby here or is she still alive? She'd be almost - how long has it been now -"

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Less than a Valian year. Almost four Endorë ones. She is alive.

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"How about now?"

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She is alive.

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"What about my brothers and sisters - I know Teeth died is she here -"

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Almost all the dead come here. Sometimes you can communicate with those who you were close to in life, but I cannot enable that; the spirits must seek one another out voluntarily.

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"Well how do I do that."

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Think about them and your desire to communicate with them, and if they want that also it should be possible for you to find each other.

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"Okay - are any other ones dead except Teeth -"

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All of them are dead.

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"All of them? What happened?"

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There was a war.

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"Is the war over now?"

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In some relevant senses, yes.

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"What does that mean?"

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Melkor is not moving. Most of his Maiar are free and well. There are very few surviving orcs. There are not declared ongoing hostIlities.

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"Is Macalaurë alive?"

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"How long has it been now how old would Kat be -"

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Less than a Valian year. Almost four Endorë ones.

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Well, one time the gap between questions was almost two whole Endorë years - this fucking being dead thing - so. "Are you ever going to figure out how to fix oaths or do I have to be dead for ever and ever."

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It is beyond my power to fix oaths.`

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"But are you guys even like, sort of working on it -"

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We tried when the first orcs came to us. It isn't possible. Melkor offered to help, that was part of why we paroled him.

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"Maybe you could put me somewhere I could be alive without being able to do anything I'm sworn about, or, like, maybe you could convey my surrender so I could get out of the one that had the escape clause -"

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We cannot bring to Valinor peoples sworn to the evil ends of Melkor.

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