Hugs good. 

And the thing she trusted Breha with - she gave birth, just before she - just before she killed herself. She'd arranged the beginning of her leave for that. And she had twins.

She gave them to Breha to - keep safe. Hidden.

Oh, Anakin.

Does she want to get them back?

...She doesn't know. 

She wants to raise them. Desperately. But - she doesn't know if that'd be kind to them. If Breha or whoever she chooses wouldn't be a better mother. 

She thinks- it would be good to establish contact, at least. They're not really set up for babies, with this ship. If Anakin wants, they could make the arrangements, though.

She -

- If it's a good idea, she wants it. She doesn't know if it's a good idea. If they can even risk trying. 

There will be ways, precautions they can take. They'll have to feel out how things are going, back in the Republic, but they can make a plan.

She just - 

Kids are so, so easy to hurt. And Anakin is really fucked up as a person. 

Yes, this is important to get right. Just- when they're thinking, making decisions, Elesse thinks they should keep the perspective that they can get this right. That it is possible for them to take this challenge and meet it successfully.

That's - Anakin's not sure if that's the perspective she needs, right now. 

Then what is it she needs?

She doesn't know. It's - 

- She's broken. And it sucks being broken, being fucked up, being unable to just - be better. To just do the things Elesse's thinking of. And Anakin - 

There's a big gaping hole in her where her ability to love herself should go. To forgive herself. And she killed herself, recently, and she did it for a reason, and she's not suicidal right now but - 

She doesn't think she can raise her children correctly, and she - it's very easy to feel that if she's a fuck up then she might as well stop existing. And thinking about - everything required to do things correctly, perfectly, and how she probably can't is - 

Difficult. It's really, really difficult to handle, to wrap her head around, especially knowing that if she fucks up it won't be just her and Elesse she'll hurt, and - being correct is so hard and she's been failing at it all her life - 

- And she's still not sure she won't decide to stop existing. She still wants to - needs to - have that as an option. And she shouldn't raise her children if - if she's just going to kill herself again. And -

Having very good reasons not to kill herself, having people she cares about relying on her staying alive, relying on her being functional, made it so much worse.

She can just- be. She doesn't have to fix herself, she doesn't have to be perfect. Doesn't have to be forever or in the future or anywhere beyond here and now.

The Anakin of the here-and-now is the one that Elesse loves, is the one that Elesse has always loved.

She - burrows, almost, into Elesse's mind, wraps herself in Elesse's love and in the truth of that love - tries to reach for how Elesse sees her - 

Elesse sees someone who is struggling, who is reaching, who might be cracked and broken but is nevertheless filled with a brilliant light, something that spills out and illuminates everything it touches. Someone who, even in her darkest moments, wanted to do the best thing for her children, who found a way that they could still be safe, be happy, be loved.

Nnnnnnn.

Anakin loves her so much. It - it almost hurts to be wrapped in this much love, this much regard. Like light pouring into all her broken places. 

(It's a good thing Anakin's a bit of a masochist, then, because she doesn't want to stop feeling this light.)

She loves Anakin.

Anakin can take as much time as she needs to heal, or to decide she's- she's not going to, and either way the children will be fine with Breha, and Elesse and Anakin can be in their lives in the way that fits for everyone.

Snuggles.

Breha would be a good mom, Anakin thinks. 

(And, quieter, in the background - Anakin doesn't want Elesse to be sad. She's not planning to leave Elesse alone.)

Elesse doesn't want to be alone. Not again.

The thought feels almost - selfish - but -

- Anakin would want to take Elesse with her, she thinks. If she ever did decide to fully kill herself. She wants Elesse to be always beside her. And Elesse's hers to do whatever she wants with.

That's...

She might be all right with that.

Warm, clingy snuggles. (She loves Elesse, and it shines like light from her.)

That makes her feel better. That whatever comes, it's from the place with the light.

<3!

Love you too, Anakin.

Mmm they need to plan contacting Breha but right now Anakin wants to just cuddle.