"Thanks, commander. It's all right, though, I signed up for this. You don't need to waste your time worrying about me on top of everything else."

"...you did get the spell, though, right?"

" - oh. Right, you were dead during that conversation. Uh, yes and no. I definitely got a clear view of it, and if I had the proper material components then I'm sure I could cast it again. I don't, though. It turns out that instead of a diamond it requires some special kind of oil that comes from 'plants that only druids can grow', and we don't know which ones or where to find them. If we did,  I'd say even odds that we could grow them on the island, that place seems like it can keep almost anything alive. But we need the plants first."

"We're closer. But - I'm sorry that the whole heroic sacrifice didn't quite work out as intended."

"Oh. - I still didn't mean it as a sacrifice. I know that we could have used Nenio. I wanted this, I was just... hoping for something a little different. But I knew the risks."

"I guess that means we're not going to be able to raise the fallen soldiers with it, though."

"Not yet, no."

"I do have a new plan to hold the barrier, and I have a task you could help with, if you're up to it."

"Always, Commander. Just say the word."

"I need someone to go through all the neathers who can fight, and tell me how much more cold weather gear they're missing. I have a plan to field people out of extradimensional mansions without giving them endure elements, but for it to work, all of the people who are participating absolutely need to have warm enough clothing. There are enough combat-capable neathers that I think we could give them their own mansion that's mostly just them, but in that case I need to know that they won't freeze. So I need you to go through - probably with some other people, we want this to get done quickly - and tell me how many people are missing hats, gloves, socks, boots, underwear, good pants, good shirts, and good coats. Do not be heroic about it or claim that things are good enough if they're too thin, have holes in them, or someone says their current gear doesn't keep them warm. I need a complete count, it'll be much more expensive to lose anything to frostbite. Can you do that?"

"I can. But if you mean to outfit them all properly, some things meant for humans aren't going to fit."

"Yeah. I'm going to need the count quickly, so we have time to both obtain the clothes and alter them to suit people's individual needs. And some people might not be able to participate, if they've got - extra parts that can't easily be protected from the cold. Those people we'll have to keep in Drezen to protect the wardstone in case of an attack, okay?"

"You got it, commander. I'll have a report for you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Lann. I appreciate it."

It only occurs to her once she's left that she doesn't really know what she's supposed to do next. Collapsing in a heap sounds pretty good, although she'll probably want to find a place for it that isn't covered in snow. She feels like she ought to be doing something useful, instead, but she's not very sure what. 

She told Zara that she'd see her tonight. It hasn't really been long enough for that, but she'll have to do it soon. She's dreading it. She shouldn't be, she should want to spend time with Zara and find it restorative when she does. But - she would, on some level, really rather continue ignoring her.

Her feet, still trying to carry her momentum towards something, take her back to the command center. Then they take her up the stairs to the top of the command center walls, where Sosiel is painting again. 

She paces. She places a hand on Lariel's sword, and imagines him here to give her advice. She's been doing this less and less over time, possibly because her imaginary Lariel doesn't really have any advice for when she doesn't know what to do. Imaginary Lariel is mostly for when you know what to do, but it sounds like it'll be hard, and you don't know whether you have the strength to do it. He's not so much for giving advice about whether you should hang out with your daughter and completely mask all of your real emotions, so that you can take care of her decently while also losing the one relationship in your life that involves anybody knowing anything about who you really are, or whether you should hang out with her and not mask your emotions about it, which might be horrifically painful for both of you. He is of the opinion that you should probably not blow off your daughter just because you don't really feel like spending time with her, although he's also pretty confused about the idea that this task might be one that requires heroic willpower. Imaginary Lariel acknowledges that he's never had children and is not really an expert, here.

"I know why I'm up here," says Sosiel, when she paces close enough to him that he can call out. "Do you know why you are?"

"This is my house."

"And yet even here, you look lost."

"Nobody asked you," she murmurs, and hops up to sit on the parapet.

"Don't you get cold out here?"

"Some days. Other days I patrol, and have an excuse to use some of my spells on myself."

"Fine."

"If you must know, I am deciding whether to keep an engagement with someone I don't want to see. But I care about them, and I don't want to hurt them by not showing up. Are you happy?"

"About your predicament? No. But if you wanted advice, I would be happy to offer it."

"Fine. What is your advice."

"Have you tried being honest with this person, about not wanting to see them right now?"

"Uh, no, because that would hurt them."

"I think they'll understand that you have a lot on your plate right now, as long as you're honest with them about your true feelings."

"I don't want to be honest about my true feelings. My feelings are complicated, and hurtful, and I don't want them to be hurt."

"That's no attitude to have, in a relationship. Anyone worth your time will be someone who can accept you as you are, complicated feelings and all."

" - okay, whoever you are imagining this conversation is about, stop imagining them. Imagine, like, Aivu. No, imagine Aivu had been captured by demons for a month and only just been rescued, and now I have a bunch of new friends and don't really want to have to explain Aivu to them, and also I'm really busy and find Aivu kind of annoying right now, and also Aivu has just been through an incredibly harrowing experience and desperately needs me to support and take care of her and help her recover, and ignoring her is actually being a shitty person."

"...is Aivu all right?"