<Okay but to be clear I'm not prioritizing me because you deserve it, I have no idea what you deserve and I'm not thinking about that, I'm prioritizing me because I'm me.>

It's so intensely frustrating that Atsinni keeps - doing that - he doesn't really have any idea what exactly it is, just, that.

<It seems like if the situation were totally different and I were someone else who didn't deserve this that would be unfair. I think. Maybe. If you think I'm wrong you're probably right.>

<I didn't say it was fair?>

That. Thing. The total lack of interest in whether he's doing the right thing, whether he hurts people, whether he's being fair, or basically anything other than whether he's having fun. He has so many advantages, like not being fundamentally corrupt and evil, and having friends, and trusting his friends, and having the ability to make choices both in the sense that he can take actions at all and in the sense that he can predict how his actions will affect the world and take actions to affect it in ways he likes. And he keeps rubbing it in, that he's wasting all that, making sure his worthless wretch of a slave can't even look on the bright side without being constantly reminded that the approval of some damned fucking sinner is unnecessary and irrelevant, that the only virtue left to be cultivated in this situation is the humility of submitting himself to Atsinni even though - Saint Aurelius said, "we should in truth think it possible for another person to have something that is hidden to us and whereby he is better than we are" (or maybe he didn't, maybe that was a forgery!) and Atsinni insists on making it as hard as possible to do that and it feels unfair.

Probably Saint Aurelius actually never said that. Maybe humility isn't even a virtue. He has no idea and he's so tired and so frustrated and just wants to stop having a conversation that is obviously just bothering them both and see if he can stop having thoughts now.

<I'm sorry. I keep thinking stupid things and I'm sorry. I hope you forgive me.>

<I could just stop talking to you if you'd rather but I'd expect you to get lonely. Maybe you wouldn't, I think humans don't get as lonely as we do.>

The thing is that he desperately wants to be spoken to and desperately wants to stop answering back and can't achieve both of these things. <I would get lonely, yeah.> Now he is dwelling on just how lonely it gets, to not be allowed to talk to anyone for long stretches of time and then afterward only allowed to talk to the demons for even longer... <I'm not really sure how fast in terms of hours, I didn't get to measure time while I was there. I think maybe not within an hour?>

<Okay.>

And he reads the book about meditation through for the second time and then goes to a craft store to inspect all the yarn and fake flowers.

He's vaguely in favor of fake flowers. He mostly zones out. He daydreams but he tries not to daydream about anything with a plot.

Atsinni walks out of the craft store with a book on knitting and a ball of variegated yarn and pair of knitting needles. He sits in the atrium and starts attempting to teach himself to knit, book propped open on one knee with the opposite foot.

He has a little relevant muscle memory. Sort of. Actually modern beginner projects are different enough that his memory, such as it is, gets in the way, and he isn't skilled enough for it to be net positive that he's ever picked up a set of needles before.

Knitting is nice. It's probably inefficient now, they have machines for it, although in that case why do they have books for it - whatever. Better not to think about it. It's fine.

Then they will knit all evening, except when Atsinni's pager-thing buzzes against their leg and he bags all his knitting and strides off for the Nordstrom like he is in a mild, normal hurry, only to discover when he makes it to the Pool stairwell that it was a false alarm.

Back to the atrium to knit more.

He's starting to be good at just letting things happen without him, except when he suddenly remembers not being allowed to rest and panics briefly as though that has any relevance to the present. Occasionally he chips away at some math thing, or makes mistakes and doesn't successfully chip away at some math thing, or contemplates how much he would like not to exist.

When their shift is over Atsinni packs up and catches a bus. They didn't have dinner at the mall so he has leftover gnocchi for dinner and then puts on the next episode of Avatar, knitting while it plays.

This seems like it has nothing to do with him and therefore he should be very happy!

He's mostly just exhausted. Sleep seems so, so appealing. But if he sleeps he'll have inconvenient preferences and think more and his goal is to think as little as possible and have as few preferences as possible ideally none of which should be inconvenient.

The characters have so much fun, except the villains who aren't having fun at all. Maybe it's supposed to be a moral about how being a bad person makes you miserable, though he's not sure if he should expect it to be that didactic and also that hinges on being sure the Fire Nation characters are bad people. Unless maybe it doesn't. It could just be true that being bent on killing people and conquering countries isn't any fun whether it's right or not, or it could be true that someone wants people to believe it isn't any fun so they don't do it.

Not that there's any point in thinking about that. Whatever, it's a fun show.

<I think we're going to have to sleep sometimes. If we were driving to work I'd worry about crashing, like this, and if we had a more complicated job I'd be worried about that. I can try to time it so you're tiredest when we have to go to the Pool?> Atsinni says when they are in the shower that morning.

He startles at being addressed. <I don't care. Do whatever.> Probably when he's less tired he will care but that is a problem for future him.

They have a lazy day at the mall. Atsinni decides to get a pedicure, that kills an hour and they have pretty toenails afterward.

He was introduced to this concept last night but not really clearly. It's weird! It's like torture, but sort of... opposite? Like there are things that aren't torture the same way that birds aren't trees, but this is a thing that isn't torture the way black isn't white.

They can get a manicure too!

Also weird! He tries not to have opinions about it since that's a gateway to having opinions about less pleasant things.

And then when their nails dry (it's a subtle French manicure situation which the lady recommended) they will have a salad for lunch and knit in the atrium.

It doesn't matter, it doesn't have anything to do with him, nothing has anything to do with him, he doesn't even exist, he must have imagined he existed.

That's... good???

Atsinni gets a calzone for dinner and heads home and - yeah, goes to sleep, he can't drag himself through more of this without it.

His last dream before waking is of a manicurist who also slips splinters under people's fingernails, who's too exhausted to go to work and has to anyway and knows there'll be no mercy.

He wakes up desperately wishing he didn't exist.

Yeah that seems to be how this human works.

Shower, breakfast, bus, mall. Atsinni has gotten sufficiently used to knitting that he takes his project to the bookstore and reads about whales while he works on it. It's going to be a scarf.