She thinks about ending the conversation, then, but... she needs to ask. "But on a related matter... Are you okay with Kokonoe Tōkan? Do you need help leaving him?"

"What? Fuck no." He sounds honestly affronted by the question.

Gently, gently... "So... you trust him? You believe you are safe and he's on your side?"

"Of course he is! Fuck kinda question's that, I wouldn't let any shitty alphas tell me what to do."

That's what they all say...

...well, no, it isn't. And also if half the stories she's heard about this boy are true, she kinda does think it's very probable there's no way Kokonoe would survive an encounter with him that he didn't want to have.

Still. She softens, a bit, again. "You can understand my worry, though? He is the Kokonoe heir..."

"He's not his shitstain dad, stop making assumptions about people you've never met. Tōkan is Tōkan, not just some alpha."

She has to stifle a laugh at "shitstain dad". If Kokonoe just is okay with Yamada talking about his father like that maybe he is just straightforwardly a good guy. That'd be so refreshing, someone being straightforward.

"I see. Then I am happy you found someone who's good for you."

"...yeah," he says, and it's his turn to soften a bit.

He sounds like he's in love. She really wishes that were reassuring.

"Well, we'll be in touch to talk about this further on Monday. If there's anything you'd like to discuss or ask, feel free to message me, and for anything urgent you can call me. I'll message you my email and my husband's phone number and email, too. It's been a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Yeah. Thanks." And he hangs up.

She is really hoping that this is what it looks like and there won't be any nasty surprises later. From a purely pragmatic standpoint, if Kokonoe is in fact a good person then the money and influence he'd bring Yamada would be nothing to scoff at. But if he were a really good person he'd be doing something about everything that's an unfair requirement, the kid's seventeen, he hasn't had time to do anything of import if he is that good.

...maybe they should look more closely into him. She sends Inori the contact information she promised him then messages her husband about it. He's got the kinds of contacts that'd let him find out more about Kokonoe Tōkan.

Subaru did mean it when he said he enjoyed Aoki's presence and missed him but he'd forgotten how nice it actually felt from the inside to hang out. Aoki's humour tends incredibly acid, and his murmured commentary on the terrible romcom they picked to watch had him having to hold back laughter in the theater. He has to go home afterwards but they agree to have dinner together on Monday and catch up some more.

He starts his way back home, then, and finally checks his phone to see that Tōkan messaged him.

> hey
> you know who called us today?
> Ōta Makino!
> was that you?

Huh. Aoki was probably right, then; his mum probably is a huge fan of Inori's. That's kind of funny.

oh cool <
that was quick <
yeah that was me <
I thought I would have to be the one to tell you the news <

> well, thank you!
> this is
> I just have no idea what I could possibly say here
> this is just... huge
> like

it's fine <
I was not about to let Inori go to jail <
or even if not jail it would still have been a hefty fine and a criminal record <
but it could well have ruined this life <

> I mean yeah
> exactly
> so you've
> saved us, really

He blushes, and feels a little silly for it. No one's even looking at him. But he still just... really likes being praised by Tōkan. He's still down bad.

I think that's a bit of an exaggeration <
but yeah, I hope it works <
I'll always be here for you, and if you two stay together then I guess that means I'll always be here for him, too <

> ...damn
> Subaru you are the actual best
> lemme treat you to dinner
> or a blowjob
> or both

Fuck.

This does kinda make him a little bit horny, but... but...

no, thank you <

No, that's too abrupt and curt, and it'll be weird. He backspaces all of that.

I think I'll pass this time <

Which implies he won't pass next time. Which, like, yeah maybe he actually won't, he's not sure.

Ughhhhhh.

maybe later <

That still implies the same thing. But he thinks it sounds more natural?

but I don't want to feel like I did this for a reward <
it's just the least I could do, given that I could <

> yeah, how exactly did you?
> like, what's your connection to Ōta?

...Tōkan knows Aoki. They've met once. But for some reason Subaru doesn't really... want... to bring it up. He probably knows that Aoki's family name is Ōta but that's not an incredibly uncommon name so he won't make the connection. Subaru hopes.

He's having some feelings, here.

it's complicated <
or not really <
but uh we can talk about it later maybe <
or not I'm not sure if I want to talk about it <

> fair enough
> don't wanna pressure you into anything that'd make you uncomfortable
> just... thank you
> thank you so much

don't mention it <

Subaru puts his phone away and sighs deeply, turning to stare into the night sky.

He wants to move on.

This is the first time. It hasn't happened before. He told Tōkan he knew his feelings wouldn't be reciprocated, told himself as much, but he didn't really believe it. He was fooling himself, fooling them both. He, he did kind of hope that maybe one day Tōkan would come to love him. Or maybe Tōkan would be aromantic and then it wouldn't matter, they could just be together and it would be fine.

But he's not and it won't be. He's very clearly in love with Inori, and it hurts so, so much to watch. To see, in real time, what exactly it is that Subaru's always wanted, that he burns for, and watch it be given to someone else. And he can't even hate Inori. He can't, he tried but he can't, Inori is actually great, he thinks the both of them could actually be good friends. And he couldn't hate someone Tōkan loves.

He hates himself.

It hurts, hurts all the time. He doesn't want to distract himself from it anymore, it just really hurts. He wants to feel it, to feel the hurt, he wants to, to...

To stop walking, to sit on a bench and put his face in his hands and cry.

stupid stupid stupid stupid why is he so stupid why is it so hard to get over this why is it all hitting him all at once like this he didn't want this he wants Tōkan but he can't have Tōkan he will never have Tōkan he knew this he has known this for years and what he really wants is to just stop. suffering. so. much. he wants to stop he wants this to end god he's being such a pathetic whiny teenager but who cares he is a teenager and he gets to be pathetic and whiny sometimes and it hurts hurts hurts

He can't fuck Tōkan anymore. That's just so fucking obvious he's not sure how he missed it. Not sure how Tōkan missed it, that seems like it should've been obvious to him of all people. It's not just that it feeds his hope, it's that it feels nice, it feels comfortable, it feels affectionate. It feels like getting crumbs of what he really wants, like getting controlled hits of his favourite drug, and it makes it impossible for him to really let go. It's dumb pride, is what it is, it's them thinking all of the rules for other people don't apply and that they can be Mature and Responsible and Emotionally Stable.

Well, he's crying in a park in the middle of the evening because of it. So much for that.

He might need to get some distance from Tōkan, though, not just stop fucking, and that hurts a lot more. The thought of having less of him in his life, the thought of pulling away, it makes Subaru double over and sob. He's making such a public scene.

But he just can't do this anymore, can't hope anymore, can't keep pining.

He just can't.

He's been crying for over half an hour, now, and his selfie camera shows him that he definitely looks like it. Goddamnit. He tries to wipe his eyes as best he can and stays there for a bit longer so the sweat can dry and so his face is less flushed, it would be mortifying to walk around looking like that. Once he's satisfied with it, he gets up again and walks back home.

Subaru doesn't meet up with Tōkan over the weekend, and that works fine for him. On Monday, though, he knows he'll have to face his feelings.

Something is off, though. He can't tell what, some of his friends still greet him fine and don't seem to be acting weird, but... there are looks. Probably the fight on Friday? Weird, though, it's not like fights are uncommon, even if that one was reasonably big, relatively. The reason doesn't really occur to him until it's one minute before class starts and Tōkan is still not there. If he'd skipped class altogether, he'd have messaged Subaru, so...

As expected, Tōkan is on the rooftop. Alone. And smoking, which is extremely unusual. Is... he... stressed? Kokonoe Tōkan, stressed?

"Yo." He walks over to Tōkan and sits next to him, leaning back and staring at the sky.

"Hey."

"Not feeling like school today?"

"—oh, so the miasma didn't touch you? Okay, that's a lot less bad than it could've been."

"Miasma?" He reaches for the pack of cigarettes and Tōkan offers him it and his lighter.

"It was kind of funny. I was walking into school and towards class and there was this... bubble. No one wanted to get too close to me. Unreal." Puff puff exhale.

The fuck. The fake cheer is really uncomfortable, here.

"...no, no miasma. Couple of people were looking at me a bit funny but no one was shunning me actively like that. Holy shit."

He shrugs. "It's irritating, and most irritating of all was how it just kinda happened all of a sudden. I'll need to eventually figure out what to do about it but..." He grins, and it's one of the fakest grins Subaru has ever seen on Tōkan's face. "It is rather despair-inducing for stuff to happen like that with no warning."