He pushes the door to the courtyard open but gestures for Ruby to go first. "You don't need to tell me if you don't want to, you don't owe me every lurid detail of your erotic escapades. We just flirted a little."

"...yeah, and, you know, I'm new, if, if I implied that I was looking for anything serious or long-term, I wasn't, I've known you for a day."

"Ruby, it's fine. I am not a damsel sighing after a dashing knight."

"You say that but I feel like I can cut through the awkward with a sword here."

"You're thinking too much."

"Yeah probably. I'll stop."

"Just redirect it. You're in college, think about magic."

"Alright. Wanna get supper?"

"No, sorry, I need to study some things. Maybe later."

"Okay." He can cut the awkward with a sword but he'll not bring it up. They get to Attainment and Ruby starts his way towards the eatery. "I'll see you tomorrow, then. Good night."

"Good night."

Ruby brings food to his bedroom, opens his journal, and starts trying to disentangle what he's feeling.

He thinks he... didn't really like fucking Gestor. Overall. There wasn't anything bad he can point to—well, there was the thing where he felt kind of trapped and like it was sort of just happening to him. And the vibes. He'd rather that didn't happen again. It wasn't, like, horrible or anything, his first day of life was far far worse, he'd take awkward fucking over that anytime. But he'd rather have neither.

And he's split between understanding Onmund and not understanding Onmund. There's an intuition in his heart that Onmund's reaction wasn't unreasonable, but he is having trouble putting words to it. So maybe he'll just write until something comes out.

They don't have A Relationship™. They're friendly acquaintances who are attracted to each other. They made no promises to each other. But didn't they? Ruby can't describe what courting looks like but he does feel like what they were doing was a possible way for it to look like and the thing with Gestor was a misstep in the dance. If Ruby is so quick to fuck someone, why was he teasing Onmund and being slower with him? That could be part of it, Onmund feeling undervalued or toyed with. That rings true, somewhat. And maybe there's something about not trying to get with two people at the same time? Actually even the thought of getting with two people at all like that has a weird feeling, like it's not wrong exactly but it's the kind of thing he intuits some people would be displeased to be a part of. This adds up to uncertainty and a bit of betrayal, of thinking you're playing one game and then suddenly realising you're playing a different game.

...Ruby was maybe the first man to actually show interest in Onmund like that.

But the game he was playing with Onmund is the game he wanted to play, and he didn't want to play the game he was playing with Gestor. He fucked up.

It's not a terrible kind of fuck up, their budding relationship can recover from it, possibly, but it might not, and that's fine, it's only been two days.

Except it feels like lying. Ruby wasn't trying to deceive him.

He should... just be honest. And apologise.

That decided, he puts his journal away and goes outside to knock on Onmund's door.

"One minute!" he calls, but it takes only a few seconds for him to open the door, only a bit, to see who's there. He sighs and opens it fully—he's taken his College garb off but that doesn't really change how exposed he is, does it. "Did you need anything, Ruby?"

(It shouldn't change anything but for some reason Onmund being naked naked feels a lot different.)

Focus.

"May I come in? I need to tell you something."

...another sigh, then he steps away from the doorway and lets Ruby in, then closes the door behind him and takes a cross-legged seat on his bed. "What is it?"

"I want to explain exactly what happened earlier."

"You don't need to—"

"I know I don't but I feel like I communicated the wrong thing and left you feeling uncertain and like you didn't quite understand what I was trying anymore and maybe I'm overthinking it, but it feels wrong.

"Was I the first man to show interest in you in that way?"

"—what does that have to do with anything?"

"Trying to understand things.

"Uh.

"So I went to Phinis Gestor this afternoon to talk to him about the missing students..."

He explains everything that happened. Not in every lurid detail, but he does mention the forcefield, and the kiss, and Gestor coming on him then dismissing him. He doesn't mention how it all made him feel, just mostly goes over the parts that did feel emotionally salient to him.

Onmund's face goes from kind of annoyed to surprised to increasingly horrified. When Ruby's done he's silent for a few seconds then says, "He raped you. You do understand that? That was rape. That was bad."

"—what? No it wasn't. I didn't even refuse, and besides he didn't enter me or anything."

"Fine, call it something else, but he made you have sex you didn't want to have and couldn't stop if you tried. I thought—it doesn't matter. Look, if you were a woman who was trapped in a man's office and couldn't escape like that and brought it up with—well, your friends, at least, they would all agree it was bad. And it's not just because the two of you are men that it's okay, alright?

"I grew up with the notion that fagging was dishonourable, that you don't just submit like that. Well, everything everyone's ever told me about this stuff made me feel horrible and it's not like I didn't try being with girls and I decided that since every part of me was unacceptable to everyone then fuck them.

"But if something is bad to do to a woman then it doesn't become okay just because you're a man. Nords are very very dumb about this. So, something bad happened to you, okay?"

"...okay. It didn't feel that bad..."

"And it sure sounded like you were trying to say it was your fault it happened at all. You're not the most powerful wizard in the world, you couldn't stop it if you wanted to, so it happened to you."