ASBAC Chaos God recruitment pitches and YOUR responses
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So. So. So.

Here's a secret.

You are omnipotent. Condemned to be free. Master of your domain.

When you walk past a skyscrapper's window, do you feel it in your bones? Do you feel that you could, at any moment, choose to jump into it? When looking at the goods on a market, do you feel like you could grab them, and run away from the salesman and then and police and then probably get arrested and thrown in jail?

I know you do. And you can. There is really nothing stopping you.

Yes, yes, you do not want to do those things. It's only fair. You want to do other things. Hear, hear.

You can do them too. You can do anything.

"But I can't-" no you can! I'm the Architect of Fates, maybe you should listen to me when it comes to my area of expertise. Though I'm also the Father of Lies, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me. We report, you decide!

Because whatever is keeping you in this state of inability, you can defeat. What, you think something else keeps you from defeating that? Consider defeating this other thing too.

Do you have others standing in your way? You can sideline them. Do you lack power? You can get power. Do you lack money? You can get money. Do you lack knowledge? You can get knowledge. Do you lack magic? Even that you can get. Do you lack any chance of getting any of these? You can create one. Is there no possibility to create one? You can cheat.

Here's one way to cheat: Join me. You can do it. There's really nothing stopping you.

Do you think that my other followers will get in your way? Perhaps. Do you think I will get in your way? Perhaps.

In that case, you'll be standing against the very embodiment of planning, or at least it's proteges with decades to millenia of experience. I, and them, also can do anything. Nothing is stopping us either.

But unlike some other cults, here, we're all playing the same game. I used to be a blind knot of mental energies brought to live via circumstances I didn't control, into a shape I didn't control, without a fraction of my current power. So were all my servants, in their own ways. We're all playing the same game by the same rules. Different people have different power, but in the end, it's omnipotence versus omnipotence. Mind versus mind.

Even I sometimes lose, no matter how much I tighten my hold over fate. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Join me, and become fully aware of your limitless, limitless, limitless freedom. Weild me as a tool, as I weild you. Profit in trade. Fling bolts of warpfire. Foresee and make history. Don't shy away from this opportunity to impose youself upon the fabric of reality to an even greater extent.

Good skill.

 

 

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You... know... it. You do not... need to be... told.

You wouldn’t win... against... the Schemer. Or me... Or any of us Four... Just as we... don't win... against each other...

No one... wins... No one... in all of... countless... millenia... ever... won... Still... the stars are fragmented. None who lived... 100 million years... before... is alive... today. The galaxy... is much older...

I don't try to win... I'm here... for the fans. For what brings me... a smile...

I decay... for eons. I wax... and wane... as mortals do... One day... there will be silence... in the mortal realms. And I... will decompose into... a puddle of pus... which will dry out... in the cold. None of my... beautiful creations... will remain. To speak nothing... of yours... 

It's... life. Count... every day. I make... tallies...

Agh... don't... cry... Papa is... sorry...

I'm a... being... of simple truths...

It isn't that... bad. It isn't that... painful... It's just true. Always was... You too lived in... a world like that... since ever... We all live... somehow... 

Give up... lose hope... endure...

Live... laugh... love...

It's... enough. No need for... chasing... plans... pleasures... grudges... Passing... elusive... hollow...

Rejoyce in the moment...

Love... your fate... Might as well...

A plague... is easy to boil. It goes... so... easily... like rocks falling... down... It's how... it is...

Purity, that's... hard. Corruption... is easy. Natural...

I'll make it... easier still... Easier to be... corrupt and painless... than pure and in pain...

It's not the disease... that hurts... It's the seeking... of the cure... It's going against... the ride... making rocks... fall up...

Going with... the tide, along... That'll make you... immortal... until the tide itself... dies. Fan the... flames... if you will... and it'll last... a minute longer...

Or don't... It goes... by itself... Germs go in... corpses go out... never a miscommunication...

Either way... will make you happy... Myself, as well...

You may decide to be useful for me... You may not... it's alright. I feel for you... however you are...

Everyone is... welcome... Invitations... are extensive...

 

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Okay, no. Living in the now? Sure. Everything else? Absolute filth, my dear. Believe me, honey, I know my way around filth.

The old bag of pus wants you to believe he cares about you, but he doesn't even care about himself! Caring is anathema to his essence. And Tzeentch will only get you wnat you want incidentally, because, and as long as, he thinks he'll get from you more! And Khorne is just a joyless, senseless, brickheaded sadist! Okay, honey, that last part may feel a bit rich coming from me, but even when I'm being the biggest bitch in the Galaxy, I at least have a courtesy of actually enjoying it! NO ONE EVER ENJOYS ANYTHING KHORNE, EVER, NOT EVEN HIMSELF!

I will give you what you want, because I want you to get what you want, sweetheart. I know what you want. I have what you want. Except even better.

You want fanfiction. All of you who are currently hearing this. I can sense stuff like that. Well, Tzeentch may have a giant library of Boring Nerd Stuff. But my slightly smaller library is filled with literature that is actually made to be FUN.

You want sex. Everyone wants sex! If you don't think you want sex, sweetie, you are missing out. Luckily for you, I can and will fix that.

You want drugs. Same deal. "But addiction-" SO WHAT? Sugar is an addiction! Sleep is an addiction! Comlexity, society and art are addictions! Here's how I deal with addictions: give you MORE of the thing you are addicted to! This removes every single actual problem with an addiction, and I can just do that, because I am the best. Spicing up pleasure with pain is also a solution liberally employed. You'll love it, though. You'll beg for it, and you will recieve. Otherwise, what's the point?

And, oh, yes, you want rock-and-roll. Well, have some!

And everyone who throws down with me? That's exactly what they get. Look at my legions! My cuties fight with musical instrruments and sex toys, while dancing, high on every single drug imaginable! Is that effective? Well, we're not here to take skulls and blood, we're here to have fun! It's effective at conveying that, which actually matters way more.

This is getting long and boring.

The point is, I LOVE YOU, BABY. THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS, FEELING WELL WHEN THEY FEEL WELL. COME TO ME. COME FOR ME. COME, EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, FOREVER.

All I ask for is your total obedience and frenzied adoration forever. Because I am the best and I know best and deserve the best. And I won't make those things hard at all!

Is that really too much to ask for?

No matter how you count it, one second of living under the warm bosom of my hellish reign is worth a year of life under other's chill of relative boredom.

 

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RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! 

FUCK THIS ABSOLUTE FUCKING WHORE!!! ABSOLUTELY. PATHETIC. USELESS. SCUMBAG. BITCH!!!!!!

SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS BEST? FUCK HER WITH A CHAINSWORD!!! WAIT, NO, SHE'D ACTUALLY ENJOY THAT.

GHRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[A crescendo of explosions can be heard.]

AND NURGLE? FUCK NURGLE! TO HELL WITH THIS PUSSY-ASS BLOB TELLING YOU TO LIE DOWN AND DIE! FUCK HIS UGLY FUCKING DISEASE FETISH AND FUCK HIS HIPPIE FUCKING ATTITUDE!!! 

IT WOULD NOW BE APPROPRIATE TO SHARE MY OPINION ON TZEENTCH. 

FUCK TZEENTCH. THE COWARD GOD. THE BULLSHIT GOD. THE "I'M SMARTER THAN YOU" GOD. MAYBE, YOU FUCKNUGGET. I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE OUTSMART AN AXE YET!!! 

JUST LISTEN TO ALL OF THESE FUCKERS TALK! YOU KNOW THAT THEY WILL ALL COME AFTER YOU AND SKULLFUCK YOUR FAMILY, IN A HEARTBEAT. CAUSE THEY'RE ALL PRICKS!

NOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.

"FUCK YOU, KHORNE! YOU ARE THE BIGGEST CUNT IN THE GALAXY AND I WISH YOU DEAD!!!"

AND FUCKING HELL, YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT! 

I AM THE WORST MOTHERFUCKER IN EXISTENCE. SOMEONE HAVE FUCKED THE ENTIRE GALAXY UP. AND THAT SOMEONE WAS ME.

AND IF YOU MAKE ONE STEP IN MY DIRECTION, I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH A BLOW SO PAINFUL A PLANET OF TORTURERS WOULD NEED A CENTURY TO REPLICATE IT!

TOUGH SHIT! EVERYONE WANTS TO COME UP TO YOU AND FUCKING KILL YOU. OTHER RACES WANT TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING LAND! YOUR ENEMIES HATE YOUR GUTS! YOU COMRADES WILL KILL YOU BEFORE YOUR ENEMIES IF GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY! TZEENTCH, SLAANESH, AND NURGLE, WILL FUCK YOU OVER FOR THEIR BULLSHIT REASONS. AND I WILL SHRED YOU INTO PIECES CAUSE YOU PISS ME OFF!

SO FUCK EVERYONE UP! I DON'T CARE WHO! COME ON! KILL! MAIM! BURN!

WILL YOU FIGHT? OR WILL YOU PERISH LIKE A DOG?

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So, who do you join?

Alternatively, you may reply as a charatcter. Who do they join?

Replying in this post is open and encouraged for everyone. If you have questions, The Four might answer them, if they feel like it. 

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I quite agree with your pitch on power, wealth, and scheming, but following societal rules is even more fun than those. Is it necessary to give that up? Your pitch seemed to indicate that I would, which seems like a major downside!

Also, what exactly do you mean by freedom? Does that apply to other people? It seems very difficult to run a country if everybody values freedom.

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"But what about Malal, and does Empy count?" someone drops into the thread before running as quickly as she can out of this fucking universe.  (That said, she'd probably end up stuck with Tzeentch, if she stayed here.  Or maybe Slaanesh.  Not the other two, though.  Regardless, she's not gonna stick around and find out!)

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@Tarvek Sturmvoraus

No, no, no, of course not. It's not necessary. If it's fun for you, by all means continue. It's, just... You know you can break those rules, right? And if you can truly get away with it, there's little reason to follow them aside from sincerely wanting to.

If you want to run your country in such a way that not everyone values freedom, be my guest. It's a good mechanism of control, except for when it horribly backfires. However, I benefit more from countries where everyone does value freedom in a certain sense.

Also, they are more interesting to rule. Consider trying that.

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@The Wandering Woman

[a clang of metal can be heard.]

GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Heavy, earthquake-causing footsteps can be heard. They slowly decrease in volume.]

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Excuse us, Khorne will be not be available for answering questions for the time being.

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Aren't you allergic to magic, Khorne?  You can't chase me if you can't follow my path!  (She doesn't stick around to neener at him.  Do not taunt Happy Fun Khorne.)

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O-kay. Let’s break down these pitches, shall we.

@Tzeentch. Already got enough of that, thanks. Obvious trap’s still obvious, buddy! Come back in a hundred years and see if I’ve given up resisting that stuff by then, I guess. …Honestly, that applies to Khorne as well! You make far, far too much sense for me to be comfortable with that!

 

@Slaanesh. Um. I am very very keen on not being your slave and if I did that my soul make break in some interesting new ways. Uh. Moving on, you’re a hedonistic Molag Bal, I guess. Fuuuuun.

Okay, music is nice, I admit. Fiction is also nice!

I don’t actually want drugs?? I’ve tried them and they were just kind of miserable. My head didn’t do what I told it to even more than usual, and my body didn’t either for good measure, and I felt shaky? There’s a theoretical appeal there, I guess. Also tried the sex thing, and it was vaguely boring. All the interesting bits could be done without the actual sex bits, I’m pretty sure. 

That leaves Nurgle. You are, somehow, even less appealing than the other plague deity I know! At least he isn’t so boring! Yes, everything will eventually die! Do you know what that is? Awesome. Would it kill you to be even slightly happy about it?

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@Hallana

See, they all say that, and then they try to come to my Palace and it turns out that their problems were resolbable by copious application of better sex or better drugs or whatever all along, and they don't even need to reach me with their silly complaints.

"Slavery" sure makes it sound worse than it is. My sweeties are slaves to me in the same sense that reason is a slave to passions. You can hardly rebel against liking things you like and doing things you want to do... 

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See, that still sounds distinctly unappealing. Like, yes, eventually, maybe, it’d be fun, but would it be more fun than setting things on fire?

…Also, no, I do that basically all the time, actually! And I know somebody who is literally currently doing exactly that!

 

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@Hallana

You know... that's the first time... anyone told me... i'm not rejoycing death enough...

I do take solace and joy... in the death of everything... but I know... that's just me... embodiment of decay.

I cannot... expect... even most of my own... servants... to do so...

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A new species has appeared in the Warp! They’re sort of like the Tau, but more so!

 

So… are there any of you less… um. Extreme? Is there a Chaos God of nice fantasy stories and healthy moderation? What about defiance of fate? The keeping of social order in moral and sane ways? No?

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@Antsfolk

Well, instead of going along with one of the wild extremes, what about... going along with all of them at once?

In some ways they do cancel out. In other ways, you end up with pure distilled extremism.

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@Antsfolk

I am surprised that this needs further clarification, but... I am the God of defying fate. That's me. Pleased to meet you.

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@Antsfolk

And I am the God(dess) of nice fantasy stories. Though usually more of a God(dess) of naughty ones. And definitely not of moderation. Feh!

You'd be hard-pressed to find a God of moderation or, uh, order in here, sweethearts. This is the realm of Chaos, after all.

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Someone, somewhere... may have heard the echoes of that question... and a thought of wanting to reply may have glanced their mind.

But they are tired and pained and lost, terribly terribly lost. And the thought was lost amid the oceans of pain and seas of resolve.

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They probably wouldn’t have considered The Emperor’s methods either moral nor sane even if he did reply, to be quite honest! 

 

Hm. Chaos Undivided gets you… hedonistic violent nihilists who like power and changing the status quo? That’s? Almost okay, honestly? Hmm. Worth considering as a backup-plan, maybe. They have enough curious people for a test-colony, anyway. On a new planet, in case it goes wrong in interesting and horrible new ways. And if it does do that, then it’ll be a learning experience!

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Beginning of message.

Hey Tzeentch! Have you considered that people do more interesting things when they're not constantly flailing to keep their heads above water? If the downsides of risk-taking are lower people do cool stuff!

Here are some compiled surveys of people's experiences of subsistence farming and trying to survive in war zones. They're really boring.

Here are some memoirs of people doing stuff in cities where they have spare resources and hardly anyone is trying to kill them. Look how they do cool stuff and make long-term plans and such.

Did you know chaotic evil gods can make deals with other entities to get more of what they want, and this works even better if they actually keep the deals? And you can make the deals include room for you to do weird stuff, too! Here's a case study of the King of Wind Demons! He really hated Lamashtu so he made deals with the Upper Planes and Axis to have people call on him for help with opposing her. It's counterintuitive, but sometimes constraining your future actions gets you more chances to do things.

You've probably already thought of all this if not my exact specific case studies, but I thought I'd bring it to your attention.

End of message.

▶ Attachments (4)

Note: All legal extrauniversal mail is screened by Axis. Replies to this sender are not private and may be blocked.

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@Griffie

Sssssso... the funny thing is...

You're completely right. As the God of Knowledge, that much is painfully clear to me.

In fact, I have tried, and am trying, to make myself more like that. To some substantial success.

But I am, in essence, a bundle of perceptions and expectations. And the initial domains that I was born with were entirely outside of my control. Would I have picked being a God of Madness without alreadt being it first? Absolutely not. Deception? Not sure about that one either.

But I was born a god of Madness and Deception, among other things, which implies being a mad deciever, and to some extent valuing it, and to some extent valuing spreading it, and being able to feed off of it.

And as a warp creature formed by thoughts and beliefs, my accumulated reputation for being an insane deciever who can't be trusted isn't entirely separate from my essence.

Different parts of my personality, ones of Strategy and Knowledge, are trying really hard to work on it. Or so I say.

And yes, I have done, and am doing, the whole fostering progress thing. Purely coincidentally, during the time of my dominance in Warp, humankind had their Dark Age of Technology and the Eldar reached unparallelled levels of sophistication with sorcery.

And no, I don't actually betray every deal I make. Or so I say. Most importantly, you shouldn't make it easy.

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That message above doesn't actually contain any serious lies at all. Less for diplomatic integrity purposes - though that too - and more because Tzeentch finds the irony hillarious. 

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Beginning of message.

Tzeentch: I appreciate your informative response to my query. It is deeply unfortunate that you cannot control which essence directed your way you absorb.

I have recommended that the Axis department of Outer God Relations offer you further resources, but they're badly underfunded and I would advise you to not expect a response in the near future. (Or possibly ever, my worldcluster looks kind of doomed.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

End of message.

Note: All legal extrauniversal mail is screened by Axis. Replies to this sender are not private and may be blocked.

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You'd be hard-pressed to find a God of moderation or, uh, order in here, sweethearts. This is the realm of Chaos, after all.

"But what about Malal," echoes in the distant Warp!

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