"I wonder what percentage of people in this conversation are queer. I'm bi, as we all learned from my extremely cool and fashionable rainbow getup last June 28--"

"I'm bi, I think?"

"Straight."

He could very much say he is bi. At least two people in this conversation have said that, to no immediate I'll affect. "I-I think I need to check behind the couch cushions."

"All the pretty ones are ace."

Shit, FUCK.

HE MEANT TO BE VAGUE AND SAID SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

AND MANAGED TO CONVINCE WEI WUXIAN HE WASN'T INTERESTED.

"I mean I'm not sure, not that I-- don't," he says into his coffee.

Pat pat Wen Ning's shoulder. "It's okay not to be sure whether you're ace or not. Maybe you're gray-asexual! There are a lot of identities."

The coffee is his only ally in this conversation because it isn't asking awkward questions.

"Gay."

"What? No you're not. You are way too fundamentally lame to be gay."

"Demisexual and gay."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT DEMISEXUAL MEANS."

"You wrote a pamphlet for Wen Ning for Pride month."

"NO ONE READS THOSE."

"I read all my emails."

"No one who is as lame as Lan Wangji is allowed to be gay. Gays can't maintain inbox zero. We're all losers who hate their dads, can't drive, and can't calculate tips even though we have a PhD in math."

"The universal queer PhD in math." 

"Don't say 'queer.' It's horrifying to hear you say 'queer.'"

"I-i think it's fine for anyone to be whatever sexuality they are, regardless of their email habits or skill at math." Because he should at least make an attempt at being a good HR person.

"You're very cute. We should all go do work."

"W-we should."

And hopefully payroll has not exploded in a way that is his fault.

Payroll has not exploded in a way that is his fault! Mostly because he doesn't so much have "job" "responsibilities."

"Hello! You're done working now," Wei Wuxian announces at 4:35pm. 

Yeah, he's mostly decorative.

And as someone who is mostly decorative, he can leave half an hour early. "I am doing working now," he says as he shuts down his computer.

"Do you have any plans for where we're going?"