In a bar between universes, watching the stars explode from her booth, there is a young woman drinking a steaming mug of creamy tea.
"Hopefully this won't take too long..."
Does it happen to have conveniently labeled chapters like Every Magically Distinguishing Trait Of Zombies or All The Immoral Things Zombies Do And Their Best Justifications or is that too much to hope for.
That is too much to hope for, but it does have an illustration of a zombie! It recommends running away and calling paladins but normal people can sometimes kill them if they're cornered, it's just that if you think you can and you can't now there's an extra zombie.
He eventually digs enough zombie-related information out of the book to be able to target a spell correctly and then asks Bar if there are any publications criticizing this one for inaccuracies or unfairness to zombies.
I can't find any of those, though on a planet with this literacy rate that may mean they were circulated privately and do not count as "published".
"Probably good enough. You don't have anything written by a zombie, do you, maybe titled Fifty Reasons People Unfairly Hunt Us?"
I don't know if any publish pseudonymously, but I do not know my library to contain anything written by zombies.
"Thanks. Sorry about the wait but I think I've got the information I need."
"It's a funny thing to check but if you really weren't sure I'm glad you checked it!"
"Yeah. Anyway, I know enough to target spells for you and I'm comfortable giving you a discount for your ongoing humanitarian crisis. How many areas of about a mile in diameter or so would you want to protect, ideally?"
"...I am not sure how big the... planet... is..."
"Okay, I can figure that out but if we're lucky it'll have been published. Bar?"
Apparently publications in Kaja's world also don't know how big the planet is.
"Gravity here feel normal to you?"
"I think so."
"That's good, it'd be harder to charge you in staff lessons otherwise. And - what can you tell me about - this is going to come out sounding like weird unrelated questions but do magnets exist, do volcanoes exist, does gold exist, and what are the price ratios between copper, silver, and gold?"
"I have heard of magnets and volcanoes but never seen either one - well, I saw a volcano but it was not volcano-ing at the time - gold exists, and - do you mean by weight -" She can approximate that.
"I am going to guess that your planet is around as big as mine - I can explain why if you want - which gives us an upper bound, although I don't know how much of it is ocean. Also I forgot how big my world is but I'm sure that's been published, Bar?"
(His planet is about the size of Earth.)
Bar can dig that up and tell him!
He does some mental math. "...Okay, covering your entire world would be incredibly tedious. At least I bet it's mostly ocean, which... might get us down to, I don't know, maybe 5,971,968," he estimates roundly. "Probably more because spheres would need to overlap."
"I'm not sure how we'd cover the whole world anyway, but if we did have enough to do it we could figure it out. Enough for towns and graveyards and extras to put on battlefields and so on as necessary might do most of the work, but if there's gaps people who want to be liches might just - find one - on a boat, even -"
"Is there a reason it's objectionable if someone goes away to be a lich on a private boat?"
"Becoming a lich does involve killing people, even if you don't find liches existing objectionable."
"That sounds pretty objectionable, assuming they're - people people, and not just infants or something. Do you have the ability to deal with it, in general, when people take other people away on boats and kill them, or is that not something your law enforcement can handle?"
"...infants are people. Uh, probably sometimes mages would get away with that? Maybe less often if paladins weren't stretched thin with all the other dark things."
"But you can handle people taking other people away onto boats and killing them in some way other than me personally making one possible motive for it unfeasible at your tech level. And I know infants are targetable by person-targeting spells and so on, I just meant I'm only talking about, uh," he fumbles for some foreign jargon from his fifth language and pronounces it very carefully, "'moral patients.'"