"Your back hurts," shrugs Cor.

"The Count considers himself to be a defensor of the traditions, including, yes, attacking people with impunity. He pretends he's not a vampire and goes on talk shows with Raccoon News and the like to denounce the evils of vampirism. He wants vampires to be secret again and to keep eating people with no consequence. Also he's our bloody neighbour, you can see his house from the window over there," he says, hiking a thumb in the direction of the foyer.

"Are you sure he is fully awake? That is just crazy."

Fenris peers over the window. "Well, what are you going to do to stop him?"

"Thanks for making me aware of my back. Also, that we live in a two bedroom house."

"I'm going to fucking—"

"Try to convince the universe that his way of thinking is not so great," Red interrupts, again, "because we are against murdering sapient beings in this house."

Grumble grumble.

"And yes, pretty sure. He's the only person other than us, Morgan, and now you who can string sentences together like this and remember what we were saying five minutes ago."

"I am sorry the pacifists keep ruining your style."

"I know the unawake are weird, but I don't think it's okay to let Straus keeping attacking them? I mean, is there some non-murder way to stop him?"

"There are various magic containment options but we don't know whether they'd work and we don't know what kinds of other tricks he might have up his sleeve."

Frown. "What happens if you try to convince non-people that he is a vampire? Might not be the best way to deal with him..."

"You can convince people of it, but he'll still show up in Raccoon News anyway and there will still be a following of conservatives who think he's great. Possibly people who didn't exist until yesterday, even."

"Gosh, that people creating thing is sure very weird."

"Well, I think it's worth try to talk the universe into listening to our side more in that case. And maybe research ways to stop him. Which, I guess leads us back to our original reason to come here: asking about vampire abilities."

"...huh. Really?"

"Lilith would probably be interested in turning you guys."

    And just as he says that, a woman with a definitive family resemblance to Caleb shows up. Given how femme Caleb presents, the only real difference between them is that her hair is long and she has boobs and a vagina. Also, she is ripped. Where Caleb strikes the goth emo stringbean aesthetic she is definitely going for athletics. "Did anyone talk about turning people? Also hi, I'm Lilith, nice to officially meet you."

"Hi!" Fenris says surprised. "We actually came here to talk about vampire mind control, it was our only lead for the weirdness..."

"You're welcome to do a vampire sales pitch."

    She starts counting on her fingers. "You live forever, superspeed, super hearing, can turn into a bat, can turn into mist, there's a bunch of other superpowers you may or may not get over time..."

"You can't be a wizard, though," says Red, "if you're a vampire. No idea why, the Rite of Ascension just fails to work for them and they can't do any spells."

"And there's, you know, the need for blood-or-similar, out-of-the-box weakness to sunlight and garlic and wooden stakes—"

    "Hey, my sales pitch," Lilith complains. "How am I meant to make a sale if you keep talking about all the drawbacks?"

"Remember, Lilith, we want people to make an informed decision."

    "Well," she grumbles, and she sounds a lot like her brother when she does, "you can become immune to all of that. And besides, if you really don't like it, you can get back to being a regular boring human, I guess."

"I doubt the three of us would want to turn right away. But it might be useful. Maybe we could even each take a role and figure out how to combine our talents into a new state of being."

"We've been trying! It seems like a hard constraint for now, but who knows, maybe the three of you being genetically identical will help somehow."