"Hmm. That's-- concerning?"

"Well, evolution, right, people who do things that make babies even though they don't really want babies have more kids..."

"And outside the Scholomance it-- would still be quite bad, actually, but not so guaranteed deadly."

"Yep."

"I will keep this in mind?" Because agreeing to masturbate would just be weird. And also she is not planning to agree any way just yet.

"Okay, what else is important-- uh, penises are sort of floppy most of the time but if a guy gets horny then it fills up with blood and sticks out? It's honestly kind of a bizarre system."

"I'm sure there are evolutionary reasons for that."

"Some species have penis bones! Not humans though."

"Another way we're weird!"

"Oh! Also." He points to his diagram. "The vagina isn't really that erogenous for girls? The clit is really the main event, people just think that women should enjoy vaginal penetration the best because of patriarchy. Vaginal penetration feels good but it's totally normal if you can't orgasm from it. The most sensitive part of the vagina is the G-spot. I labeled it. And if you hit your cervix back there it hurts like hell, don't let porn deceive you about this, it is painful and not sexy. --I guess you're not going to look at porn because, like, Scholomance but just in case you're wondering porn is mistaken about literally everything about how sex works."

"I solely solemnly swear to get my information from actual sources."

"Oh, and if it hurts to put things in there you might not be turned on enough or you might not produce enough wetness naturally, you can use spit or something as lube or, like, trade for something from an alchemist. And sometimes it just hurts to put things in there no matter what and that's fine, clearly vaginal penetration is not for you."

She is dying a little inside at the idea of trading for lube, and the alchemist presumably knowing its purpose. "That's-- useful to know?" She isn't entirely sure she believes it. It's kind of implausible, and there is no way he would know.

"Oh, also, everyone sexually fantasizes about weird shit."

"Define 'weird'? Do you mean the fact that sex is inherently kind of weird, or robots, or something else?"

"Uh-- so a little bit I want to say that it's normal to fantasize about, like, sex in public or sex with strangers or getting pregnant or something, like, lots of people's fantasies aren't about gentle touching and romance. And specifically it's really common to fantasize about, like, hurting people or forcing people into sex or tying them up or ordering them around or humiliating them, or the other side- being humiliated or hurt or forced into sex or ordered around or tied up. And lots of normal people do that and it doesn't mean that you actually want it in real life. Brains are just weird. And also a lot of people are into really specific stuff? Like, some people are into people wearing wet clothes, and some people are into cartoon animals, and some people are into feeding their partners enormous amounts of cake, and all of that is totally normal and not a sign that anything is wrong."

"O-okay?"

"You can ask me questions if you have any!"

"I have a lot of things I don't know, but not so much questions. --I don't know what I've missed?"

"I told you all the things I could think of?"

"And I appreciate that! I just-- have no clue how many people I assumed were just close friends... Aren't."

"Jing Yi's fucking half the male half of the school, Meng Yao and Lan Xichen are dating and I think are planning to be together for the rest of their lives, Van over in Hanoi is miserable because his boyfriend's dead? I think Ayako's hooking up with someone but she doesn't kiss and tell. Wen Qing used to date my sister but they broke up amicably."

"...this explains so much about Jing Yi."

"Like why people are constantly yelling at him?"

"That, and I knew he had a reputation? I just didn't know what for. I thought he was just the sort of person who was friends with everyone!"