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someone needs to tell first age exalted ellie and fate that you're not supposed to select the same person for all of "bed, wed, behead"
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Gleam is actually having significantly more luck - her problem is mostly mood swings, and that's a known thing people get. She talks to older Lunars - and tracks down a mortal mystic to be someone she can talk to about her thoughts, someone she can ask for advice. She takes up religious practices - talks to her wife sometimes about meditating not just on her own mind, but on the world. Equanimity is hard, but... Mortal mystics recommend starting with loving-kindness, and going from there. She slowly learns to want relief of suffering even for her enemies - to feel joy for their joy (somewhere away from her, with sorrow for anyone they hurt) -

It's the hardest thing she's ever done, but... She's good at doing hard things. 

She gets better at avoiding triggers for outbursts - not always possible, and sometimes she'll be just randomly angry, or scared, or agitated, or sad, or delighted -

She learns to recognize when a burst is coming. To identify what it'll be, to remove herself if it's anger -

She learns that wild joy can tumble into wild anger. She starts addressing oncoming bursts by leaving - she finds she likes going somewhere wet and rainy, somewhere she can't see any other people, and just dancing. She runs when she can't get that, pours the emotions out through her body. 

She learns to breathe through her anger. To go still - perhaps predatory, but she's able to turn that calm, lying-in-wait, patiently deadly mindset - one she already can weave into her anger - into something useful, so long as the predator in her knows that her goal is being the calm one, not committing murder. 

She gets less agitated over time. Has fewer episodes, and - diverting an episode doesn't make the next one worse, for her. It makes it less likely to happen, as if every wild emotion is a storm surge in the river of her mind, and every outburst is a break in the levee - a weak point for future surges - and every time she successfully controls herself is a time she's successfully reinforced it, maintaining the levees in the face of worse and worse storms.

(Thinking in metaphor helps. Removes her from herself just enough to look at who she is.)

 

She fails, of course. A lot at first, less often over time. 

She gets better. 

It gets less hard.

 

It's so, so easy to love Elathea in every way, and so, so hard to mentally remove herself from her entanglement with her wife enough to realize, to say -

"Darling... If you're not acting in ways you endorse..."

"There's a deeper problem. One I'm not sure exercise and journaling can patch on their own."

 

(Admitting Elathea has flaws that cut to her core - that those don't make her a bad person - is even harder than forgiving her worst enemies. Gleam is discovering entirely new realms of difficult.)

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The tendons in her jaw jump as she clenches her teeth.

"I am realizing this."

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She keeps her breathing the same slow, even pattern she's been trying to maintain whenever she notices her own body. It helps, a little. Helps now. 

(Forgiving Elathea is even harder than acknowledging she's done something wrong. Follows, probably, from understanding a wrong being a prerequisite for truly forgiving that wrong. Gleam's gotten... Less terrible. It's easier when she's mentally repeating a mantra I love you, I'm concerned for you, I want you to be happy, I want you to be content, I want you to not feel this pain, I want what's best - I forgive you.)

She keeps her cool. (She takes a moment to be satisfied with that. She would've snapped back a year ago.)

She leans into her wife, expression gentle - open and loving - and touch soothing, stroking her back in a way that sometimes helps center Elathea. 

"I want to give you everything in the world," she says, softly, "Including self mastery. What can I do to help?"

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"I don't know!"

Deep breath.

"I just-" Breathe in for ten, hold for ten, exhale for ten. "The background levels just build up until I can't remember how to route around it anymore."

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Stay calm, stay even, there's an answering anger in Gleam but it's one she's already detangled. (Indignation, fear - Gleam's own anger scares her, and being around angry people didn't stop being frightening when she stopped being a child. She thinks. It's hard to accept that. But... She can accept it enough to acknowledge her flash of anger, thank her mind for trying to protect her, and let it dissipate with her breath.)

She hums, pressing a bit more firmly on Elathea's back. "Would an external aid help? Something to remind you."

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Huff.

"It might."

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She kisses her wife's cheek. "Just writing up steps and posting them on the wall seems a bit too basic," she says, wryly. "Otherwise... An artifact might help if well designed, or... Oaths witnessed and sealed by an Eclipse Caste can at least help the 'slow down and think' part, I've heard."

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"Seven Rivers' Reed owes us a favor..."

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"It'd be a more firm step than most others, and - more permanent, but also more risky..."

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"This is important."

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"It is."

Small, soft kiss. 

"I love you, Elathea. I know it's been hard, but we'll get through it together." Squeeze. "I'll always be here for you. Forever and ever."

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"I love you too. My dear, darling Gleam."

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More kiss!

"We should be cautious of the wording of any oaths, too... Seven Rivers' Reed might have some suggestions, but - I think first we should figure out our own goals here?"

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"I want- to not shout at you. To not scare you when I get angry."

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Lean.

"...I don't want too restrictive an oath, or... Anything that'll trigger when we don't want it to."

"I want - something that'll prevent problems, not just give a punishment for stumbling."

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"I would swear an oath to you. To listen, when you tell me to. I trust you."

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Snuggle. 

"I trust you, too. I don't always trust myself to... Word things carefully? So maybe the oath only counts when I explicitly invoke it." Kiss. And, teasingly: "That way you don't have to listen to my terrible opinions on culinary abominations."

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Kiss. "My ever-thoughtful wife."

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"You take good care of me. I want to return the favor, whenever I can."

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Elathea relaxes fully into her wife. "Thank you, dear."

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Nuzzle.

"You're welcome, love."

 

Figuring out wording takes a while - they want to get it right. The oath settles well, though, sinking into their bones... And, perhaps, into their bond, though the bond has always been hard to investigate clearly. It... Works better than expected, actually. Elathea can feel Gleam's calm, sometimes (which Gleam picks up on - and suggests that if Elathea is ever doubtful, ever upset, ever needs that anchor - she can activate Gleam's collar in some small, pleasant way and read Gleam's mind). The bond nudges her even before Gleam needs to call on the oath, and the single time Gleam needs to do so comes like a shock of ice water to Elathea, snapping her out of whatever fury she's been building. 

It takes only that one false start, and then... They make it six months without a notable argument, let alone a severe one. 

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"Do you feel ready, dear?"

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"Yeah," she says, kissing her wife. "My only questions - do you feel ready, and how are we doing this?" Teasingly: "I can take a male form..."

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"Oh, I'm ready. But you won't need to unless you really want to. What do you think I've been working so hard on?"

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Deep hum. "I couldn't begin to guess."

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