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ichorous april has a time in mass effect
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"It's a long story. Next question, how long was I out?"

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"...two years. It took us a while to find your body, and bringing a woman back from the dead isn't easy. Not even you."

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"And are all the records of what you did to me and what you found out in the process about to conveniently explode?"

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"That's really up to you. I'd prefer to retain the intel for our records... but your cooperation is far more valuable."

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"I mean, I want to read it. All of it. Including the specs of all the hardware. Because if there's anything in here that I don't have a complete explanation for, I am going to dig it out of me with a knife. Also, I don't super trust you guys with the carcinogenic alien goo, so if you've kept any samples of that or other tasty treats you found behind the counter of the June shop, I'm gonna have to insist that you give it all back."

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Miranda purses her lips. "Understood," she says, not petulant but clearly making an effort not to sound petulant. "And you'll have the specs on your cybernetics as soon as we've got you fitted with an omni-tool."

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"Nothing personal, it's just that being taken apart in a Cerberus lab and having my insides used for horrifying experiments is up there on the list of my worst nightmares, so."

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"Yes, well, you can rest easy. We'll cut off the existing Venom labs, none of which got past animal trials, and have the samples incinerated."

She types something up on her omni-tool.

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"Cool."

Not that she especially believes they're going to do that, but it's nice of Miranda to say so.

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"On that note. Anything else you'd like to know, or that we can do for you? After spending over a billion credits on resurrecting you, we're not going to balk at reasonable requests."

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"Did you resurrect my ship too?" she jokes.

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"Aw, dammit, that was gonna be a surprise!"

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"That was going to be a surprise. However, yes, we did rebuild the Normandy. With some improvements!"

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"How many of those improvements am I going to have to dig out with a knife?"

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"That depends on a lot of things. Your aesthetic sensibilities! Your opinion on natural versus synthetic leather seating!"

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"Your stance on AI risk!"

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"...you resurrected my ship and gave it an AI?! Why??? Why the fuck would you do that???"

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"It's a thoroughly shackled AI. It can't do anything except counter hacking attempts and provide you with general intel. As to why, well, see above re: hacking attempts. An AI can respond an order of magnitude faster than a VI security system, just as a matter of basic computational capacity. And the last thing you want is for someone to get into your systems in the middle of a fight."

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"Okay, yeah, that's exactly the kind of superficially reasonable yet fundamentally batshit logic I'd expect from you guys, sure."

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"The AI's pretty fun," Zanna contributes. "She's called EDI. Weirdly sexy voice."

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"I'd say please don't flirt with the spaceship but the hypocrisy might kill me and then where would we be. Speaking of which, why did you resurrect me?"

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"Well. For one thing, you are an extremely convenient public figure for Cerberus. You publicly proclaim the existence of the Reapers. We no longer have to operate with our mission statement carefully hidden behind layers of obfuscation. But that only explains why we like you."

She steeples her fingers. "I'm going to be honest, Shepard: we need you. The entities who destroyed your ship, the Collectors... they've been abducting colonies. For purposes we don't understand. We don't just need you as a figurehead, we need you as the woman who can accomplish the impossible."

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"...not that I'm not flattered, but just so we're clear, I save the galaxy on my own time and for my own reasons and if you think resurrecting me will let you use me as your weapon or your figurehead, well, I was about to jokingly threaten to eat you but then I realized you've seen inside my body and you might not take it as a joke."

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"We have no intention of using you as a weapon. We have every intention of giving you the resources you need and pointing you in the general direction of threats to the galaxy. On your own time, you may choose to address those threats. Is that more acceptable?"

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"I'll allow it."

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