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His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of the Great Song Dynasty, Son of Heaven, Lord of Ten Thousand Years, Ruler of the Central Kingdom, sits upon the Dragon Throne, ruling a land of ten thousand li in every direction, bearing the Mandate of Heaven and supported in his absolute and total rule by able and capable servants. Everything in harmony. Unlike the shirt of the under-minister for internal affairs, which had clearly not been adequately steamed, and did not quite match the flowers that had been selected for the month. It was going to be one of those days. He has not been on the throne very long, only a handful of years, and yet the acclimation to his subjects flying around on swords is something he is certain will never cease to unsettle him. As a child surviving in the harem, he had known the ultimate reward, that he would rule the court that all in ten thousand li owed obedience to. But the clans and sects of the cultivators seemed to treat that obedience as less of a divine mandate and more of a polite fiction. Thankfully they at least did not visit him at court. But the under-minister was approaching, so His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of the Great Song Dynasty, Son of Heaven, Lord of Ten Thousand Years, Ruler of the Central Kingdom reflexively corrects his posture and beckons him closer.
"Not just that, Your Imperial Majesty. Jin Guangyao also married his own half-sister-- another of Jin Guangshin's illegitimate offspring, from when he raped the wife of a loyal retainer-- and when the child turned out as products of incest do he murdered the child."
Commiseration over the pain of murdering your own child is not the sort of thing he can put in a letter, and they do not have that sort of relationship in any case, but the emperor's own burdens feel heavier for a moment. "The mother didn't take care of things?"
"She did not, Your Imperial Majesty. Her death was apparently a suicide upon the discovery that Jin Guangyao had murdered their son."
"Ah, so the entire story was faked. Resume the report." This sounds like a romance novel, but what else can he do?
"Jin Guangyao also secretly arranged for the death by qi deviation of his and Lan Xichen's shared lover Nie Mingjue. Lan Xichen... discovered this fact."
"Your Imperial Majesty, the cultivators were understandably upset about this situation. Jin Guangyao went to the Guanyin Temple he had funded, for unclear reasons, and took Lan Xichen as a hostage to ensure his own safety."
"Jin Guangyao funded many things. Is it known where his wealth came from? Why was Lan Xichen a desirable hostage?"
"As Jin Sect Leader, Jin Guangyao had access to the entire funds of the Jin, the wealthiest sect of cultivators. Lan Xichen is one of the Twin Jades, the greatest cultivators in the Lan Clan."
"I do not recall Jin Guangshin being quite so elaborate, and I doubt that any number of prostitutes cost that much money."
"Your Imperial Majesty, I understand that Jin Guangyao was more careful with the Jin finances than previous sect leaders."
"He built, fully funded, and staffed how many watchtowers and random other entire temples by being more careful with the Jin's finances?"
"Well, Your Imperial Majesty, shortly thereafter, there appeared Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji, Wen Ning the Ghost General, Nie Huaisang the leader of the Nie sect, Jiang Cheng the leader of the Jiang sect, a disgraced ex-member of the Lan who started their own sect, the corpse of the former Nie sect leader, the Jin heir Jin Ling, and Jin Ling's pet dog Fairy."
"Please, Underminister, please, tell me that the dog is not relevant?" A minor drop of the facade is well and truly justified here.
"The dog escaped, found members of the Lan Clan, and tied a piece of cloth around its head in imitation of the Lan forehead ribbon, which alerted the members that Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen were in danger. However, the situation was resolved before the Lan cultivators arrived."
His voice is measured. Even at this, the emperor of China does not scream. The bearer of the Mandate of Heaven does not yell, least of all at his subjects. "Not only are they all cutsleeves, they're all in a romance novel apparently." He does let himself sigh. "Tell me what happened."
"Well, Your Imperial Majesty, in principle they were having a hostage situation, but in practice they were... very quickly distracted by resolving assorted familial and romantic conflicts. For example, Wei Wuxian arrived at the temple to kill Jin Guangyao, and then both Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao immediately started making fun of him for failing to notice that Lan Wangji was in love with him. Shortly thereafter, Lan Wangji arrived, and Wei Wuxian announced"-- he shuffles paper--"'I wanted the sex we had! I'll remember everything you do for me! you're great! I like you! I love you! I want you! I can't leave you! I whatever you! I want to night-hunt with you forever! I want to have sex with you! I want to have sex with only you! I want to have kinky sex with you!' At which point Lan Wangji took pity on everyone and accepted his confession of love and they spent the rest of the hostage situation cuddling."
"Wei Wuxian, the single most dangerous human in all of China, spent the rest of the hostage situation cuddling."
"They did," the Underminister clarified, "additionally engage in combat, Your Imperial Majesty. They were just also cuddling at the same time."
"They engaged in combat while cuddling." The emperor is very tired of cultivators. "Why did Jin Guangyao not kill his hostage when Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji attacked?"
"Your Imperial Majesty, he simply took them all as additional hostages, mostly because they were distracted by romantic drama. And also familial drama. Apparently Sect Leader Jiang felt that this was the appropriate moment for him to resolve his issues with Wei Wuxian over Wei Wuxian leaving the Jiang clan."
Timelines. Good linear timelines. "You said Wei Wuxian arrived, and had his romantic drama. Did he and Lan Wangji fight together before or after Sect Leader Jiang arrived?"
"It was interspersed, Your Imperial Majesty. Both Jin Guangyao and Wei Wuxian thought of the tactic of distracting the other with interpersonal conflict and then attacking them."