"Well, this is the option I like best, anyway. Nothing stopping me and Lan Zhan from cultivating to immortality and then raining death and destruction upon cultivators who bother noncultivators but, to be honest, Your Imperial Majesty, I'm kind of tired of being the"-- brief pause--"second most powerful person in China."

The emperor is impressed that Wei Wuxian actually remembered to not state what they both know to be true. "We have both borne the burdens of leadership, but would you truly prefer to give them to another less qualified?"

"Yes, Your Imperial Majesty. Absolutely and incontrovertibly yes."

"Why?" Wei Wuxian has made himself the enemy of the majority of the sects. Surely he is aware that if he is not one of the most powerful people in the world he will be killed. Anyone else, the emperor would know to be lying, but Wei Wuxian seems earnest, and utterly incapable of lying, and it seems unlikely he would present a facade of incompetence just for this moment. Something strange is happening here.

"Blatantly annoying Lan Qiren while he has no power to do anything about it gets old after a while, I need to master the art of subtlety."

Sometimes there are moments when everything comes together. The emperor understands, suddenly: he has had under-ministers like this before. People much more invested in pushing for particular policies than doing right by their clan. At best, they are skilled and dedicated enough that they can achieve minor positions of influence and push their preferred policies. They do wrong by their children, perhaps, but it is the duty of children to follow the instructions of their parents, even if that is not what is best for the clan or them. Wei Wuxian cares about educating the peasants, that wasn't just a declaration of alignment that made sense in terms of cultivator politics. He is convinced that he can have more effective influence behind the throne, with his puppet replacement for Nie Huaisang, while being safer from his many many enemies. Of course, he might be wrong: his instincts have led him wrong before, and he tries to be suspicious of sudden all-consuming revelations that explain everything, but this could be it.

"Is there anything else you'd like to discuss, Your Imperial Majesty?"

"A few minor administrative details, but if you would prefer they can come via letter. You have done Us and Our empire tremendous services."

He bows. "Not nearly as many as You, Your Imperial Majesty."

The next week, three members of the imperial guard arrive.

They bear a letter asking how fast bells can be produced, and offering payment. The plans to acquire babes to be raise in service to the Empire as cultivators are already in motion, though starting with a test program.

They also bear a portrait of the emperor, smiling and relaxed. A note accompanies it: "For Lan Su. Since you wanted a look at me." The emperor has no objections to playing whatever status games the cultivators do.

Is the Emperor competing in the Best Uncle competition? The Emperor can't be competing in the Best Uncle competition. He's not even Lan Su's uncle. 

...To be fair neither is Nie Huaisang. 

Fuck. 

How is he going to compete with the Emperor. 

Okay, well, obviously he's going to compete with the Emperor. He's a Jiang. Attempt the impossible. Lan Su's affections will not be stolen by some noncultivator with a stupid mustache. Jiang Cheng has an extremely cool whip and he can decapitate demon boars with it. 

A very polite young man in his early twenties, with a forehead ribbon, informs the imperial guard that they will of course receive bells in due time if they put themselves on the waiting list. He is sure the guards understand that they can't give too many of such a scarce commodity to a single buyer, particularly with Master Wei's new program to educate the peasants taking so many of the bells they're producing. Would they like some tea?

He is very polite and very pleasant and they get nothing they want except the appropriate spot on the waiting list. 

They are also treated to the sight of the fearsome Ghost General, terror of children throughout China, bouncing a baby on his knee while he teaches a small child to read.

They claim waiting list slots, and write back to the emperor to have others claim slots on the waiting list as well, and worry about what their training in demonic cultivation will entail. Not too much: they are very calm and reliable men, after all.

Their training is delayed for nearly a quarter of an hour. They can overhear Wei Wuxian's voice in the distance, going "--please talk to me, Lan Zhan, come on, say something, it all worked out fine, our daughter didn't get executed even a little bit. And a-Su wanted to see the Emperor! It's not my fault she takes after me. --Actually, it's definitely not my fault she takes after me, she's adopted--"

The guards are well-trained for Court service. It is not at all obvious that they are listening and doing their best to perfectly memorize what is being said.

Wei Wuxian looks cheerful and completely untroubled when he arrives to teach them demonic cultivation! Wei Wuxian sure hopes they already know how to play the flute or this is going to take a while. 

The lessons proceed quickly, despite occasional interruptions by children who need kisses where they fell down, a very determined-looking Jiang Cheng leading two horses by the bridle, a cultivator who heard about a new trade opportunity up north that he thinks they should explore, children requesting dispute resolution ("just knock out his teeth and he'll stop bothering you"), a merchant who heard that Wei Wuxian pays good prices for rare books, the Ghost General who wants to know what Wei Wuxian thinks he should pick up at the market this afternoon, children who want to show off the new song they learned on the guqin, a minor crisis at the dress factory, and Lan Zhan who doesn't say anything at all but still causes Wei Wuxian to forget what he's talking about for nearly three minutes. 

The guards were not selected for flute-playing ability. Nobody told them that they would be expected to play the flute. They've heard flute-players, at least.

An...unusual approach to dispute resolution. Particularly for children.

The Ghost General is apparently still personally doing shopping. 

........okay yeah after a day of this Wei Wuxian is going to send them to flute lessons with a bunch of householders and some very jaded six-year-olds. 

Over the next few weeks of flute lessons, the guards discover the following:

-Wei Wuxian's property is crawling with rogue cultivators, demonic cultivators, merchants, teachers, bureaucrats, et cetera. 
-It is also crawling with children. It's very difficult to work out which of them belong to him, which of them belong to the householders, which of them belong to the rogue cultivators, and which of them are around because the Yiling Patriarch keeps throwing them candy. 
-It is also crawling with adolescents wearing white headbands getting drunk, fighting each other, making out in bushes, and screaming at the top of their lungs and then looking at each other in shock that they can get away with this. 
-The cultivators all seem to think the above is a normal way for a household to work. The noncultivators are used to cultivators being really really weird. 
-Lan Su has a horse now.
-The Chief Cultivator comes to visit. He has a collection of beautifully painted fans and flutters like a particularly stupid Imperial concubine.
-Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian make up, a process which involves smashing their bedroom into smithereens and then Wei Wuxian wandering around for the next six hours with a slightly dazed expression. No one seems to find this remarkable. 
-The Ghost General plants flowers while having an animated conversation with a peasant woman about how good the rains look this year.
-Once they think they've got a handle on this whole Ghost General thing, the Ghost General appears at breakfast covered in blood, viscera, and various bodily fluids of unknown origin. No one seems to find this remarkable either. The adolescents in white headbands are whooping and high-fiving each other. He apologizes very meekly for tracking in mess. 
-Wei Wuxian can drink them all under the table without appearing drunk. 

This is a very strange environment. They are not used to this. They are used to protocol, and the little exceptions that make life work. Not this...chaos! It is all too much for poor Jun Chen, who is struggling with learning an instrument and keeping track of everything and everyone and not offending anyone and always staying perfectly calm and balanced. He spends a lot of time in their room. He says he is meditating, but his fellow guardsmen Tong Banfeng and Xia Zhi suspect he is simply withdrawing. It is very different from anything they have dealt with before, though Tong Banfeng, being senior, can't admit it. Xia Zhi is more interested in exploring and understanding: teachers from across the empire, rogue cultivators and demonic cultivators alike, and so much more!  

Tong Banfeng emphasizes to Xia Zhi that he is not allowed to make out with any of the adolescents, even if they're interested in the strange imperial guard. Xia Zhi, being a stable and sensible person, does not.

Lan Su is perhaps a bit spoiled: they do pay attention to where the painting of the emperor goes, but other presents are not worth keeping track of.

Tong Banfeng, as the senior most guard and thus de facto representative of the honor of the Imperial Guard, thinks that Wei Wuxian drinking them all under the table is an affront to their collective honor and demands a rematch! Once he wakes up. And is reminded what happened last night. And gets over what he did with the Yiling Patriarch.

Wei Wuxian is totally up for a rematch whenever. 

Xia Zhi is adopted by a group of rogue cultivators and Lan juniors. They're fascinated by his stories of life in the Imperial court and regale him with their own stories of monsters and nighthunts and exploration. (There's another continent across the ocean, and chunks of ice as tall as a mountain, and fish the size of an island...) They share gossip ("the Yiling Patriarch is cheating on Lan Wangji with the Chief Cultivator," "Lan Sizhui was created by Baoshan Sanren, an immortal cultivator who was the Yiling Patriarch's mother's teacher, and he's Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji's biological child," fervent speculation on whether the Ghost General can fuck). They teach him talismans. They invite him out nighthunting. 

Lan Wangji appears at the door to Jun Chen's room, hands him a rabbit, says "for you," and disappears.

They are found to be good enough at flute to be taught the most important demonic cultivation technique: whistling the notes that will make fierce corpses stop whatever they're doing. Wei Wuxian requires all demonic cultivators to be able to whistle those notes on instinct-- while half-asleep, while drunk, while distracted thinking about something else, while overemotional. Everyone on Wei Wuxian's property has an excellent time making sure they have this ability. 

Talismans are fascinating! He can summon chains! Actual physical chains! This is much more interesting than controlling the dead, which he finds a bit creepy anyway. He considers for a night just how much he should share, and decides that trading imperial court gossip for cultivator gossip would make his superior officers very pleased, and proceeds to regale them with some of the most convoluted stories ever passed around the barracks, of interrupted plans that reveal that, though the secretary thought to interrupt the affair of his wife with a merchant, only the merchant's wife was attempting to do the same, and the secretary and and the merchant's wife were sleeping with each other and let their guard down when they saw each other so their spouses found out, and in the end they resolved never to speak of it: right in front of six guards who didn't swear any such thing. He also brings word of the fashions of the imperial court, something he has heard is always in demand. He joins them night-hunting once he can successfully whistle the notes that make a fierce corpse stop after being dumped out of his bath.

Jun Chen is very confused. A little scared, since getting involved in the business of guests is rarely wise. But the rabbit helps, actually.

They all study very diligently, while also taking proper time for rest and relaxation and socialization with the other members of the extended household. It's nice.

The cultivators view the fashions of the imperial court with polite indifference, approximately the way that the imperial court would feel about the fashions of peasants. They're way more interested in imperial court gossip. They share stories of the latest matchmaker that Sect Leader Jiang has been banned from for making his potential wife cry, and the member of the Jin sect who took some liberties with a female rogue cultivator at a nighthunt and she chopped off both of his hands (they seem to view this as a triumph of rogue cultivators against the Jin), and the time that a rogue cultivator was fucking three different members of the Su sect and they all wanted to see him at the same time and he had to rush between the dates so none of them would find out.

They think he does an excellent job at his first night-hunt! Does he want to stop working for the emperor and go nighthunting with them full time?

And eventually Wei Wuxian pronounces them capable and returns them to the emperor. 

Xia Zhi has many more stories, and writes what he hears down at night (the emperor would not have let anyone go to Wei Wuxian who could not at least read and write already, given the clear focus on literacy). He tells them stories of why you never mention blue jade to anyone who was at court six years ago, and how the under-minister for harmonious taxation was reminded that just because you can browbeat a merchant into providing something at a cut-rate price, doesn't mean you should when your pond suddenly has all of its expensive fish die, gifts from the emperor himself, thus leading to his reassignment as a diplomat to the barbarians of the south. And of course, there was that time with the palanquin, the silk-weaver, and the noodles. But they're aristocrats, what else can you expect?

Obviously he can't leave the emperor's service. It is tempting: His life here is very nice, and the thought of being able to continue it, and perhaps pursue things with one of them he has taken a bit more notice of, is very tempting. But the Imperial Guard carry the secrets of the emperor, and are not exactly allowed to leave.

Jun Chen is happy to be gone, and tries to give the rabbit back to Lan Wangji, thanking him profusively.

The emperor receives them privately, one at a time. There is going to be one of them with him whenever he is at court and during some more private meetings, and they will furthermore have two hours of (very secret) teaching and two hours of cultivation every day, but there will be no other duties. They are interrogated thoroughly and politely about everything from social norms to powers. When the emperor learns that Wei Wuxian (or more likely Lan Wangji or Lan Xichen)  tried to get one of his men to come with him with pay and excitement he isn't surprised, but the loyalty the guard showed by not leaving for the only person in China inclined to and able to protect Xia Zhi from the emperor, and resolves to assign him the most sensitive time slots. Xia Zhi is instructed to work on improving his talismanic work: it seems like it could have all sorts of applications, and to teach that rather than demonic cultivation: the emperor wants guards he can put in front of Wei Wuxian, who can likely detect demonic cultivators given his other feats.

Wei Wuxian receives a letter of personal thanks for the security enhancement, and an accompanying gift for Lan Su of intricately carved and melded jade that plays clever and strange patterns with the light, since of course the emperor can't give an appropriate gift to Wei Wuxian directly.