Ahaha no he does NOT. Abruptly the giddiness dissolves.

"No, thank you."

"You'd like it."

Maybe he would and that is the problem!! "I would still rather not."

"It's-- really different from other Nectar. Do you know how flavoring works?"

He is aware that it is really different from other Nectar -- just ripping into each other like rabid dogs. Somebody — just some joker standing next to me — throws a knife into the arena, but they were too busy gouging each others’ eyes out with their thumbs to notice, someone had said in LA, and Mordred had laughed lightly like this was a completely normal and reasonable thing to be nostalgic about -- "Only very vaguely."

"Nectar has different effects depending on how you feed the Mouth. LA does torture which gets you what I'd call 'standard' Nectar. Malta feeds on human misery at the factories, so it's very-- work-oriented? Louise favors it for translating."

"Bangkok feeds its Mouth on street fights, so our Nectar is really really different. It's very-- it makes you immune to pain, it makes you crave violence, it makes you tougher and more durable and stronger. Or, not immune to pain, you still feel it, it just-- makes you happy."

"I bet if you tried it you'd like it a lot better than LA."

Fucking christ. That -- does explain a lot -- he almost certainly would like it if he tried it, is the thing, she's not wrong. Which is why it is extremely important that he never does.

I... would still rather not," he says.

"Why?"

The skin around Inaaya's eyes is tight like she's trying very hard to hide how stressed she is.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. How much can he get away with-- Mariam already knows he doesn't take Nectar much-- he knows you can't be properly in the cult and never take it, because of Lukas, but he also knows you can get pretty damn close at least in LA, because of Oswald--

"My whole family is drunks. I really don't like risking it."

(In much the way that true things can still be in the meaningful sense a lie, this is a lie and also it is in a meaningful sense true.)

--Inaaya is not good at hiding how relieved she is.

"So you don't take Nectar very much at all."

"No, I don't."

Why is that a relief -- cultists don't in general know what Ayers knows -- whatever this isn't the point --

"Well, if you decide you want to switch for when you use it, I can get you lots of Bangkok Nectar. Lifetime supply."

"If you're only using it sometimes there's no sense in not using the kind you'd like, right?"

"That's very sweet of you but I think all things considered I'd rather stick with the kind I don't, if I don't actually like it I worry less."

There is so much subtext happening here and he understands so little of it!

"That-- makes sense." Stressed eyes again.

"Do you mind if I take some, before we--?"

"I think you'd like me on it."

He really should say he'd rather not but he has no idea whether he can justify that and in fact his feeling is mostly excited-but-nervous, which he is going to examine at a DIFFERENT time that is NOT right now.

"Go ahead."

She opens up her nightstand, takes out a small bottle, and drinks it down like a shot.

"And do you mind if we cuddle and I do math afterward, I don't take it much because it's inconvenient to need to beat people up."

"I mean, I can fuck up the rest of the Emporium. But you don't want to do it too much or everyone will be injured and they might die if we get into combat or run into a lion or something."

Zoe is going to kill him for the amount that he finds this endearing and he can't even say she'll be wrong --

"Cuddling while you do math sounds great."

"Excellent."

"Oh, it's starting to hit."

Her eyes go dark and her face shifts. It's a very subtle shift-- a difference in tension, a somewhat different smile-- she's still recognizably herself.

But it looks like she very much wants to murder him.

That's terrifying. That is incredibly attractive. Zoe is going to kill him and she's going to be right --

"Okay," and he's audibly a little bit nervous but only a little bit. "So --"

"Do you like knives?"

She still has the murdersmile, like she's very curious what exactly is inside his body.

"Never tried them," nervous, god she's beautiful --

"I won't, unless you like them."

She flicks open a butterfly knife from the nightstand.

"But I do."

"I," fuuuck this is such a bad idea, "would like to find out."

And he does.

She's very careful with his safety and very terrifying.

There's a certain-- lack of restraint in her behavior, a certain amount of giving herself over to ripping him apart, making him hurt.

But it's very striking that, when she holds a knife to his throat, she's careful not to cut him.

Mordred has been beat up before. He's hurt himself, carefully in closed rooms where no one would notice; he's asked for boxing lessons from boys he liked; he's even gotten Lev to hit him, a few times.

He has never been hurt like this. The boy who gave him boxing lessons was holding back, trying to teach him; Lev was holding back, trying to be careful; last time they'd done this even Inaaya had been holding back. And -- she's still holding back, some, when she puts a knife to his throat it's terrifying in the way that's fun and not in the way where he's genuinely worried he might die -- but it's not the same.

It had been fun before. It had been a lot of fun. And now he knows what it's like when it's enough.