I don't know what the no-more-dyspraxia equivalent of walking me across the ice would be either, if that helps.

Just, I don't know, I think I should be cool? To the guy I'm into? Gentlemanly and nice and interested and interesting and attentive and all that. And I was definitely not doing any of that at all, then. Not after a while.

I can't reconstruct exactly why I didn't - follow up - but given that I apparently didn't -

...then you still don't want to? he guesses, and that—kind of hurts, actually? Uh. Uh. That hurts kind of more than he'd have thought? He's gonna take a break from the roof hopping for a minute here.

That's not where I was going with that, actually, I was going to say that it makes sense that you wouldn't have been putting tons of effort and attention toward the prospect if I was being standoffish? Though also separately it really bothers me that I can't figure out what my problem was last time.

Oh, that one's easy! It's because, c.f. above, Yutaka's broken goods and has an inherently shitty personality. Hope that helps!

Man, he can't even say that. Plus it'd be, like, half a lie? The... notch on the bedpost thing... is the big thing he's leaving out... but also...

...he clearly is weirdly hung up on this boy. He clearly is spending a lot of time and emotional energy on thinking about Haru and trying to make Haru happy and being hurt when it feels like Haru doesn't like him. He doesn't know why but he is. Maybe it's because of the rejection last time? But, man, he's been rejected before, that wasn't his first or twentieth rodeo, and he usually takes it better than he's been taking it this time. Haru just... wouldn't be just a notch on his bedpost. For better or worse. Maybe he would've been at the time? Yutaka doesn't know. But now? When Haru saved his life, and Yutaka (if he accepts the framing Yamanaka chose) saved Haru's life right back, when they're both magical superheroes? Haru won't be a notch on his bedpost.

So it's fine. It's not lying. It's not lying because that isn't true, not anymore. This time he's not going to be a fuckboy, like he's always been, he's going to be good and nice. Probably. Maybe. Assuming Haru doesn't reject him out of hand. If Haru rejects him out of hand he will probably go on a spree of bad decision hookups for two weeks.

Why, exactly, again?

Is this what "liking someone" feels like? Is it what it feels like when Yutaka's the one feeling it? If it is, he'd like a refund, please. He didn't ask for this and he doesn't want it.

So how does he say this, then?

You think if you'd—liked me—then you'd have acted differently? Yeah, certainly, duh, and yet putting it this way also kind of hurts, even though apparently the prior hurt just now was entirely self-inflicted. He does that a lot, anyway, he should be used to it by now.

I think it's weird if I didn't tell you why I wasn't going for a second date, if you'd - wanted to know. I don't know what that weirdness means exactly.

You think you'd have told me about the magical boyness?

Not necessarily? That's separate.

What—excuse—do you expect you'd have come up with, if the reason you were refusing was due to being a magical boy and you didn't want to say? Or do you think you'd just have made time for it despite the superheroing thing anyway and it's weird that you didn't?

I think you're not telling me everything and I'm pretty acutely aware that if you find out exactly how I came to that conclusion you can try again with a better story, if you care enough, which, like, probably you don't, but -

What? Wait, what? You—think I—

This is a good time for him to pause time and freak the fuck out.

Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. F u c k.

Wow. He's just really, really stupid, huh? Obviously, obviously Haru would be able to tell that his reactions as described imply something that Yutaka didn't think about. His description of Haru's actions wasn't out-of-character; it was in-character for a version of Haru that—believed some things. Which Yutaka isn't saying. Which, yeah, obviously. And, yeah, if Haru told him what made him reach that conclusion then Yutaka could rewind time to fix it. And he—probably would. Actually. Haru is wrong. He does care enough.

Why does he care enough.

Like, look, if this were a story, if this were one of the dumb BL manhwas Yutaka occasionally binges on Lezhin when he's having a bad day and can't get out of bed, then this would be the point in the story where the MC either notices he's in love with the love interest or where he comes up with some way to stay in denial. It's obvious.

Except for two things.

One, it's usually a result of some long, drawn-out plot about someone learning to listen to their feelings, getting over some trauma, there's a lot of character development and relationship growth, the works.

Two, in most of those stories, once the MC even deigns to consider the possibility that he might like the other MC, then it all comes crashing down. It is Suddenly Obvious. Like, there are some stories where the fuckboy MC refuses to acknowledge that it could be possible, there's some sad backstory about how he decided that living life easy was best and he doesn't like attachments, or how liking people is for other people, or love is a waste of time, or whatever the fuck else, but when the MC stops doing that and genuinely considers that it could be real and stops lying to himself, he notices he's been in love all along.

It is too early and Yutaka is not lying to himself.

Let's look at it head-on, then.

Yutaka doesn't think love is a waste of time, or that he's incapable of liking people. He's—been bad at attachments, and he's set so many relationships on fire, and he thinks other people liking him are making a mistake because he just fundamentally sucks as a person. It makes no sense for both Kobayashi twins to have independently gotten crushes on him like that. And like, does that mean that there might've been other boys he's fucked who also liked him and never told him and he never knew???

—this is a distraction. The point is, Yutaka doesn't think he's, like, immune to falling in love. He doesn't think it's antithetical to his being. He doesn't think he's above all that, doesn't think he's too rational for attachments and that the only good way to live life is through pure hedonism, hasn't decided to forsake love because that is the only way he can avoid being hurt, doesn't do whatever the fuck it is that that guy from "Part-time Partner" thinks he was doing. It is perfectly possible for Yutaka to like a guy, in theory. It might even be cool, someday. Like, it'd be a rotten lie if he said his little gay heart didn't get touched by the romances on Lezhin? To say that he didn't feel like he kind of maybe wanted it a little bit? Those would be pretty good, actually, maybe, if they were possible, if they were possible for him?

But it's not obvious. Or—it's, alright, the top explanation, he guesses. It's not that he has an amazing alternative, here. If he doesn't actually like Haru, then what? Did he just imprint on Haru like a duckling when Haru saved his life? Possible. Did Haru's death on his watch make him form a weird attachment and now ne needs to be glued to Haru to make sure he won't die this time and he is sublimating that obsession? Also possible. But those explanations aren't all that likely, are they? They're a bit contrived. There's probably any grain of truth to them, but they're probably not the whole story.

The problem is that it feels like "Yutaka likes Haru" can't be the whole story either.

He's looking at it! He's considering it! He thinks it is a likely explanation! He probably likes Haru, or something like it. He's definitely got at least some kind of infatuation. But it's not obvious. He's not having a moment of dawning realisation. He's not suddenly dismantling the layers of rationalisation in his mind and finding out that it was love all along. This isn't what's happening, here.

What's happening here is that he's confused. He's confused that this could be what liking someone feels like, because it doesn't feel nice. It feels bad, actually. In those romances, liking people feels good. Being in love is a good feeling, it's a positive feeling. Being rejected sucks, always sucks, but it sucks because it's being denied a good thing. If he pictures the past five minutes having gone right rather than wrong, if he pictures Haru accepting his explanation and feeling flattered and deciding to date him, that mental image doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel like it'd solve his problems.

And it's too mcfuckin' fast.

People don't! Actually! Start liking! Other people! So quickly! This doesn't happen! Not in the comics on Lezhin, not in real life, not anywhere other than, than, than fucking, Disney movies with love at first sight shit! It doesn't happen! It'd be a much more plausible story a month from now, or even a week from now! It is completely implausible now!

He barely knows this guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. Pause. Time out. Hang on. Let's go back to basics.

It doesn't matter if he "likes" Haru or not. The name of this heavy feeling that's making his extremities feel numb and making him feel like throwing up, it doesn't matter what it is. What matters is that he is feeling something very strongly, and that something is related to Haru. And one of the elements of this feeling is that he wants Haru to like him. And he wants Haru to kiss him. And he wants Haru to think he's cool, and sexy, and brave, and powerful, and competent. So, yeah, it does have at least some elements in common with what he'd expect liking a boy would feel like. And it doesn't matter, really. All of this was a waste of time. The why of why he cares so much is, actually, immaterial. The fact of the matter is, he does care so much. He wants Haru to like him.

How does he do that?

Actually, when he puts it that way, the answer is obvious.

Rewind.

How were you not great?

A pause, then a mental sigh. Okay. So. This is embarrassing and lame and cringe and I kind of wanted to feel a lot more secure in, I guess just secure in general before I, but it's relevant, isn't it.

So I'm—I've been—a bit of a fuckboy. Or a lot of a fuckboy.