"Yeah. The moment you realized that things were not ever going to be the same. And they're not, obviously. Whatever happens - things are not going to look the way they did for you before that night."

He swallows. "Yeah."

“Your conscious mind is represented here by the Five of Cups, which represents loss and regret. I suppose there’s no mystery there. Your unconscious mind is represented by the two of pentacles, indicating that behind the scenes you have too many other concerns for the cards to focus in on just one of them. There's a lot else going on with you, but it's not being consciously processed right now, while the grief is so fresh. Do you think you can tell what some of those other concerns might be?"

He considers. "I'm not... sure. I haven't been... thinking clearly, lately. I -- I used to have my job, and my -- my sister, and now everything feels... blank? Like I'm drifting. There was, there was Samson, I guess. And the Mouth. And all the death -- and, and all this stuff happening that I don't understand, that shouldn't be happening, and I can't understand it and I can't predict it and any of it could be suddenly deadly, and there's -- I don't know what to do -- it used to be obvious what I was supposed to do--"

Nodnodnod. "Yeah. I think it'll be a while, before you feel like your feet are firmly under you again. You've lost a lot of things, and lost them all at once. So - take your time, you know? --Your past is represented by the Ten of Swords, which symbolizes martyrdom or powerlessness. The good news is that it’s behind you now, indicating that that chapter of being powerless is coming to a close. Ahead of you is the Seven of Swords, which symbolizes running away or being alone. I suppose it would make sense, to feel that you’re alone now. And on a literal level you're going to be running for a while, Trammel kind of has your number."

"Thanks." He grimaces, but then breathes out. "So I've lost everyone important to me and that's going to be chasing after me for a while, but it's not... out of my control, anymore. I have space to maneuver, now. That's, that's, I can live with that."

"Yeah. It's a hard place to be, and the cards recognize that. But the staff is less depressing. You yourself are represented by the Knight of Cups, who symbolizes earnest and sincere emotion, particularly love for someone. But he can be unbalanced and unthinking. He is overtaken by his emotions, and has trouble balancing them against other things. Everyone's like that, sometimes, especially in the wake of something that dramatically changes everything. It's not even strictly a bad thing - it's a sign your heart is working right. Be even more concerning if you were going on like nothing had happened, don't you think?"

"--Yeah." He nods and looks like he's going to say something else and then instead nods again, more emphatically.

"Your relationships with the people around you are symbolized by the Five of Wands, which represents disagreement, annoyance, or competition. I’m not very sure what to think of that. I don't think it's talking about Trammel, I'd expect a more emphatic card for that. I suppose you don't have to tell me if there's someone that you're having a more minor disagreement with. But it might be good to think about who it might be, and what to do about that."

He frowns and nods contemplatively.

"Your hopes or fears are represented by the Page of Wands. Pages are messengers - they invite you to throw yourself into things associated with their suit. Wands represent creativity, confidence, and action. The Page of Wands invites people to take action and be daring, even when it might look like a more measured approach to the situation calls for caution. This one's sitting in the spot where your fears go, though, suggesting that maybe you're afraid to take him up on it. The cards aren't wrong, though. This is not a time to give up on your ability to affect the world. It's not a time to fall back. You're going to be called on to act. And I think you can do it, once you've had a little more time to recover."

"So... take action. Be daring, confident. Trust my instincts. Okay."

"Yeah. And then, finally, your outcome is represented by the Page of Cups. This is the spot that tells you how things are going to ultimately turn out for you, if you stay on your present course. Despite all the darkness back there, it's a hopeful one. The Page of Cups is an invitation to feel, to be intimate, to love. I'd guess right now that probably seems like a terrible idea. But I'd read it as saying that - it'll take time, yeah, and it's not going to be easy. But whatever you've lost, your ability to feel, to love, that wasn't part of it. There are going to be other important relationships ahead of you. So don't give up on that, okay?"

"--Okay." He doesn't want to let on how deeply comforting that is but some of it leaks through anyway.

A few days later--

Lev is going to get his tarot read.

He used to think this was bullshit but the past ten years of his life have made him significantly less likely to declare things bullshit.

She puts out his cards. In the center is the Knight of Swords, crossed by the Two of Wands. Above is the Four of Wands, and below is the Two of Swords. To the left is the Moon, and to the right is the Five of Swords. At the bottom of the staff is the Seven of Cups, and above it is the King of Cups, then the Knight of Pentacles, and finally the Ace of Swords.

"What does this mean?"

"It's beautiful, is what it is. In the center we have the Knight of Swords and the Two of Wands, representing that the fundamental problem facing you is concerned with the capacity for certainty, the ability to have outspoken opinions, and the ability to dare to take actions and pursue goals. I suppose your time in the asylum was quite bad for all of that."

Lev looks very suspicious of the idea that he might "have opinions" and "pursue goals." "I was never certain of anything. Even before. I doubted everything and doubted all my doubts and."

"Wow, that's even more serious than I thought. I do have to say that your current condition strikes me as quite bad in this area. Makes me suspect that you might have been hurt more by all that time with Dr. Keaton than by the initial shock, even. That's years and years of having the will beaten out of you. It's not gonna get all better overnight, is it. Gonna take time to get even back to where you were before, on this front."

Lev nods about the instruction that he is supposed to start being certain about his opinions. He didn't want to be before. But before he also accidentally summoned a Great Old One, so probably Anemone knows better than he does.

Anemone is not aware of how concerning Lev's very concerning thoughts are. "Your conscious mind is represented by the Four of Wands, representing freedom. I'd guess from the asylum, but it could also be from other things; you'd have better guesses than I would. But your unconscious mind is represented by the Two of Swords, representing blocked emotions and a fear of acting. So there's still a lot of stuff trapped in your head, even if on the outside you're closer to free than you were."

"That... seems right. You are very good at this. I mean not that I can-- assess-- Probably it is more obvious to other people than to me what I am like."

"I did do this for pay, before, but a lot of this is just telling us some things we already know, yeah. Here's something more like news, though. Your past is represented by the Moon, representing fear, illusions, phobias, and trouble thinking clearly. It’s behind you, indicating that this chapter in your life is coming to a close."

"That... seems unlikely. To be honest."